Fresh Squeezed Lemons

I haven't blogged in about 3 weeks. So little and so much has happened. I keep telling myself I really need to update. My memory anymore is crap. I will start off by saying I didn't go on my camping trip. Life came up. Life has away of getting in the way of good plans so does the lack of money. I can't remember everything that has went to hell in the past three weeks but the major one was our water pump went out on our water system. No pump = no water. That cost a good 1,700. Mostly, because the pump is located in the lake. Needed a new harness built for the pump and water line also. It is aggravating but not the end of the word.

It seems many things have been on stand still lately. My kitchen is waiting and crying it needs fixed. The bathroom is crying it needs major new flooring and sub flooring. Everything in the house is screaming "We need your attention" I scream back I'm not made of money. The house then screams we don't give a crap we will break on you. We are really trying to figure out how to get it all done before it snows. Trying to find honest hard working people in this small town is very hard. Everything is so overpriced by American standards also. Don't even get me started on how much more expensive everything is here. When the Canadian dollar is higher than the American dollar. It really upsets me to pay double and triple on some things.

I did though have one nice day exploring,hiking and going to a tourist trap and eating a Indian Taco on a Rez. I need more of those days. I was so tired hiking 3.0kms of very rugged terrain. My back and legs where a mess the next day. Oh the bush though. It calls to me at times and soothes my crazy racing head. I feel more at home than even in a mall.

I used to call shopping home but not to long ago I went and felt so out of place. I'm not used to the choices at all and the sticker shock. Ended up getting all dressed up. I'm starting to feel like a hick anymore. Example: They had a dyson hand blower that looks so different and I marveled at it. Kept blowing my hands. Did managed to get J new glasses. Also, some real nice sweaters and more dressy clothes so when we go down south we won't look like such hicks in a fine dining establishment. Ended up eating at the Red lobster. One of those all you can eat shrimp things and I have been so sick the last past couple of days. I don't think I can look at shrimp the same now. It is something when to do shopping you have to drive a good 180 mile trip and get the gift of food poisoning. I also got my monthly present at the same time. I feel so lucky. The night we went ended up drinking to much wine also and had a hangover the next day also. I haven't been so physically sick in ages. My stomach better today still gargles.

My mood is getting slowly under control. It has been a ride on the mixed roller coaster.

Coming out of my cave

First off , I want to thank everyone that made such kind comments. It really is so kind. The blogging community can be so awesome at times. I finally started to get caught up reading other peoples blogs also . I have never got this far behind. I have pretty much have caught up. I don't comment much but I do read all of your blogs. I read regular blogs also besides just a steady diet of mental illness blogs.

Anyway, I'm trying to do better. It is off and on for me. I will get there. It is moving slowly. I'm slowly getting back to eating. I just got somewhat of an appetite back. The irony is I'm getting more teeth pulled today and getting everything finished. My partial will be put in today also. That means even if I'm hungry it will be painful to eat. The good part is I will lose more weight. The bad news is my shorts and pants hardly fit. I like my clothes and I'm also cheap can be frugal at times. I'm excited though that all my teeth will be fixed completely today. I think I had some fillings done last week in the bottom teeth. Which completed fixing my bottom teeth. My teeth where a mess and they will be pretty again. Time anymore is such a blur to me.

I have been watching chick flicks on tv recently. I was never a fan of them. They are perfect when you don't want to think and just need a laugh or an escape. They have been good for me. It makes a difference than watching a movie I watched in this last month called For Coloured Girls. That movie was deep and despairing. Not like the stream of movies like Maid In Manhattan, 2 week notice, Confessions of a shop acholic. You get the drift. Chick flicks are good for not thinking and so very predictable. I really don't need serious movies at the moment. That is pretty much how I spent my week-end. I also had a real nice dinner out. It is nice not to cook and have something decent. My only complaint is the serving sizes out are so huge. Also, most of the time not worth taking left overs. I used to take home scraps to the animals but don't any more since I really don't want them fat and the elderly dog doesn't need anything to mess up his liver more. I still have yet to take his urine in. Will probably do that today. They are going to test him for Cushion's Disease. He is doing OK though and has his days. Will know more about the options for him later this month.

I have been making list to help me with getting things done. My list is getting done very slowly. I'm just really trying to get back into the groove and find it hard. I start off good then I'm moody. Like a damn roller coaster of emotions. It really is the grief I feel and it will all level out in time. It is just one wild ride. I have to chunk everything down to digestible bites in my life at the moment are it is so overwhelming for me to get what I need to get done. No one ever died of a messy dirty house, I don't think. I'm not going to die of my disorganization at the moment either . It does cause me anxiety though and it will get done. I have so many things that I want to do this year. Summer is so short here it sets me in a panic to waste the precious days of summer. Anyway, I'm going to really start rambling and don't need to do that . I need to finish my coffee even though it is late in the morning. I probably won't enjoy my coffee tomorrow with a sore mouth. Choke another smoke down and get ready for the dentist. If I feel like it tomorrow I will blog. I have some positive news to share also and just mundane life.

Sunny Day

It is such a nice day today. It has rained pretty hard off and on for about a week. It is nice and warm today. First day really of any warmth here. About 70F or 18C for an estimate. The daffodils are finally coming up and looking so pretty. Something, about bright colours that make me happy. The tulips are inching up pretty steady and hopefully in a week or two they will be in bloom. I planted many bulbs last year and forgot what I planted so I'm thrilled to see what colours I planned or I will be very surpised. It will be something to see as I generally am in a higher mood when I buy so many bulbs. It will probaly be very colourful if not a tacky arraigment of colours. Who knows. That is why I said I will be surpised:)
The ice went out of the lake about a week ago . I think anyway. I just managed the other day to walk in the backyard to look at it. It is so nice to see water again and also see that our dock held up in the brutul ice and winter. I can't wait till June when it will probaly be warm enough to swim in. I really look forward to swimming and floating around in the lake.
Today, is actually nice enough to bbq. How I have missed my Green Egg. I look forward to getting back to using it a lot as it is so idiot proof and easy to cook on. I really do need easy and healthy at the minute. I also always have loved no dishes. I hate washing dishes. I love easy clean up also. I like anything that makes life easier.
I did manage to walk around slowly yesterday and throw some grass seed out to reseed the lawn. You can't go wrong with grass seed that will grow on cement:) It is lovely grass when it grows so easy and you don't have to do all the complicate reseeding methods and watering all the time. I had J do the fertlizing this year. I just love nice grass that is soft that you can go barefooted on. I hate shoes and socks. Have had my sandals on for awhile even though it has been cold. Oh the freedom of sandals and not heavy clunky snow boots. I literally lost a good 5-10 pounds shedding those boots. Story on my snow boots was I accidently bought construction , steel shanked ones with steel toes in them. They where so warm and like wearing weighs around my ankles I kept them. I'm really like that story princess and the pea when it comes to finding just the right boot. I have like four pairs of various ugly snow boots. I love various shoes if I have to wear them. Love the different sandals and tennis shoes. Blackflie season will be shortly here and I will have to put the shoes back on to not get ate up.
It is very important to enjoy the nice weather because when the trilliums come up the blackflies will be out. They last a couple of weeks hopefully. The mosqutioes last longer but I don't hate them as much. I had the garden dug awhile back so will have J start planting. I was going to do it sooner but life came knocking. I look forward to puttering around the garden this year. I planted one last year and the girls (dogs) died and I had no passion for much and let it go. I can't believe Spud has been gone for almost a year. It seemed just like yesterday. I can actually finally think of her without crying and actually smile some. I still have my moments since both Spud and Flora died so close together. Next week , I have to deal with Brett and the vet. I postponed it till this coming Thursday and I won't be happy but I think I can deal with it. Either they can help him or I will have to think about putting him down. The old man has been through so much with me and has been such a loyal friend. But I'm prepared. I have been through so much this past last year nothing is much of a surpise to me and really has taught me I can deal with just about anything. It has also taught me to enjoy the small moments also as anything or anyone can be here one moment and gone the next. I have had grief in the past but this last year I really had to deal with it and really go through the stages and just not just get stuck.
Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the nice day. Absorb the sun and try to have fun and not take myself that serious.

All Over

I don't know where I'm going with this post as I seem scattered and overwhelmed. I guess I will start with I got all the yard work done for the dog's invisible fence people . They did a great job installing it and we have been training the dogs twice a day. We have to have them chained up for a week until they understand their boundaries. It is coming along great. It is day three of it and we will up the radio waves on the collar and it will be more of a vibration if they challenge the boundary lines.
I have started to tackle the house and it is a huge job as I really haven't done anything in months. I did take a break yesterday from everything as I was just real worn from all the heavy work around the yard and my body would not take anymore. I had a nice time watching pure crap on t.v. and eating a ton of vegetables and fruits as that seemed to be what my body has been lacking and craving. I really don't know what I want to tackle today as it really looks like a bomb was set off in this house. I will probably do some errands today such as going to the dump and getting some cancer sticks(cigs)out on the Indian rez as they are about half the price as they are at the regular store. It wouldn't hurt me to get cleaned up as I have been in work clothes for days followed by my pjs.
I hope I can get the kinks out of my brain and start thinking in a more linear fashion. It would make it so much easier to get things done and not be all over the place. I really need to make myself a list but they don't help much as I basically know what I need to do but still skip all over the place.

Climbing Out Of The Ashes of Depression

It is morning and a nice balmy -3 C this morning. I love mornings. I have done my routine of taking the dogs out and feeding them. It is always a mixed blessing in the morning taking them out because they demand it right now. Not when I wake up but as soon as I open my eyes and sit up. Which generally means that I don't have adequate clothing on when I take them out. Just slippers ,t-shirt, and sweats. I have a great pair of slippers so I don't have to put on my snow boots . After, I'm done , I can enjoy the dogs. It is like saying good morning to them. Then I have coffee and my vitamins in the morning.
I have seen a big difference in my mood by taking a Multi-Vitamin, B-Complex, chewable Vitamin C, and sub lingual B-12. I have had more energy and for that , I'm grateful. When I feel better , I'm more productive and take care of myself better. It is hard to get out of the depression rut but possible. Some of it is just time and the other part of it is taking small steps to improve it .
I was right in the fact when I became more active physically , the domestic side would follow. I have been cooking and started cleaning again. I have been inspired to do more with food than just make boring pot roast. The other day I marinaded a roast and it was absolutely delicious. I have a ton of roast since I bought a front of a cow and have to get a little more adventurous with different things. Today, I'm finally going to make Red Beans and Rice. I have the chicken stock ready for it and all I have to do is put it on today as I soaked my beans over night. I love themes and have some zydeco music that will go nicely with it. Tomorrow, I'm going to cook some glazed beef short ribs to go along with the red beans and rice. I bought a nice bottle of red wine to go with it and a nice baguette.
I love it when I feel domestic as I come up with different things to cook and get inspired to tackle this house and organize it better. Sometimes , it is so difficult to even get a bowl of cereal much less cook something with multiple ingredients.
One thing, I have been doing to kick this rut is to get cleaned up every day no matter whether I go out or not. It is so easy to stay in my house clothes and not get cleaned up. I once read this thing called the Fly Lady that getting cleaned from head to toe was the only way to get productive in the morning. She even recommend to get your shoes on. For the longest time I thought she was full of it. I thought that I got more done looking like crap and having old clothes on. What it made me learn is I felt better about myself. Getting cleaned up just to clean made me feel better if that makes any sense. I have took it a step farther with doing things like exfoliating and little extras like more cream on my face. I have looked at some of the people faces in this town and they look all weathered from the elements and like they don't take care of there skin. I have since stepped up my skin care for the winter as in the spring I don't wear lotion as I would get ate up by blackflies and mosquitoes. I don't wear anything except ivory soap during spring and early summer. I have a very bad reaction to the assortment of biting insects. So I save my beauty routine for winter and the rest of the year. I refuse to look like a lizard or some tanned leather. It is so easy to forget about appearance when your depressed.
I have started to get more in a routine and manage my time a little better. It does seem overwhelming with all that I have neglected the past couple of months though. I have learned though the thing that I neglected the most was myself and my well being. I have found it very nice to take care of myself and get with living life. I'm finally up to the adventure of life.