Storm

It has been awhile since I have wrote. So much and so little has happened. Most of all my mind is a wreck. The ugly head of mania is starting to creep up on me. I can feel the creepy hand of it near . It lurks in the back ground. I'm groggy writing this as I had my medication upped yesterday and spent most of the day in some state. J handed me some pills and I took them. Makes me feel short leashed inside my body if that makes any sense. Everything is slower and more exhausting. My body is weak and the pills make me not as coherent.

The stress is catching up to me. I have not had a good outlet for it. I haven't much wanted to talk period. To talk about my problems would be admitting I have some serious problems. I have had limited offers also. But I have had one good offer from Mr. Bear and I'm slowly getting there to take his offer up. I have tried without much success to act like nothing is wrong and to go on living like everyday life. The problem is I'm paralyzed by everyday life and don't want to get out of the house or do anything in the house except doing something that involves escapism.

Escapism is many things to me. Like watching loads of tv. Yesterday, I crawled into bed turned on the Cartoon Network and was so fucked up from my pills, I didn't move much.  To be honest I needed it as I was completely loosing my mind with olfactory hallucinations and fear. Tons of fear. It was just fear of the unknown.

Other days , I just get  lost in reading ,tv, other projects.  When I know damn well I need to organize and declutter this horrible house. I'm trying to make it handicap friendly and user friendly. All the mess is J's over 50 years of shit .One way or the other It has became my responsibility to deal with everything around here

It makes me angry that everything is heaped on me. I resent it period. At the same time it makes me feel guilty for being angry that |I have to do everything. It makes me angry when I suggest outside help it gets ignored as J says we are fine. J says we are fine to everyone. I'm losing my marbles. I don't like waiting on J 24/7. It might not be so bad if J made any of any sort of decision on her own behalf. J just bitches about everything.

I have to figure something out for me to survive this shitstorm. It isn't like anyone likes to hear negative news in my family either. I don't have a support system at all. I'm very lucky though my daughter is flying up here to help me for almost 2 weeks. I need some order and structure and believe it or not a 19 year old is helping me sort this shit pit of a house out. Should be interesting .

If I don't listen to the signs of Mania I will be full-blown. I have not listened to my triggers of stress at all. I'm listening now and trying to sort out the mess of life. I'm even at the moment when it is not very convenient to up my medication and get some sleep and basic nutrition . When I'm manic I don't eat much. I don't put any of my needs to be of much importance either.

Manic

I have been in lala land since about the 25th and haven't much felt like talking much. I started a new blood pressure med then and I have virtually put up a sign Out for lunch but I haven't returned. I don't know much of what I say but I'm reminded when I look at facebook. I cringe and sometimes don't look for days afterwards. I was physically sick for days until I figured out it was the pill. I thought I had the severe flu. I laid on the couch for days in a daze. I finally looked up the side-effects and I was suffering from all that that pill could do. It also had another side-effect. It screws with mood and sleep.

I have been a real mental mess taking this pill. I have felt things that I haven't felt in years like killing myself out of the blue. I have felt the horrible shame that goes along with just being way out there and not remembering from day to day. I have felt when am I going to loose total touch with reality and not be able to come back. I have fought the horrible ol factory hallunications that I have been getting again on a daily basis. The smells make me on the verge of throwing up or I throw up with perceived smells or just being so sensitive to smells. I don't remember what I say to people and think Oh fuck, then I'm embarrassed to speak to them. Some days I feel like I'm coming out of my skin literally. Someday, it is so uncomfortable being in my own skin I try to drink till I pass out. I want to buy things I really can't afford either and need to buy other things. I work then I can't move for a day or two. Then I'm back to wanting to move the world. My head is scrambled like eggs. I can't keep a thought to save my life.

The past two days I started back on haldol to try to rein me in and to catch the reins of reality. I feel like reality is like a big balloon that I'm trying to anchor down with it's big ropes that I keep tugging. I will get back to me in about a week and it will take me a little longer to not feel so out of it. I don't think I have done much damage but I have shaky self esteem at the moment. It is even hard to admit that I was getting out of touch. I know this all will pass and serves at a reminder how crazy it can get . It also makes me think I'm going to be very cautious taking any more blood pressure meds as it can turn my world upside down.