Another Mixed Day

Grr. I can't get this to edit or spell check. I guess I will edit it and spell check it later.

I really didn't want to blog but it has been awhile. The reason why I didn't want to blog is I feel like I sound like a broken record and I much don't have anything much to say. I'm trudging along in my mixed mood. It isn't all bad as I don't have that paralyzed feeling I often get being mixed where I don't do anything except watch TV and play on the computer. I don't have much drive though and when I make myself do something I often have hyper focus. Or I'm just totally scattered not knowing what direction I should take during the day. My routine is so off at the moment. I do try though if I can remember what to do. I used to have everything wrote down for occasions like this how I do each task and didn't have to think about how to get through a task. When I get back out of this mood I shall write down my lack of routine or routine on how I do things around the house and what I need to do. Things, I need to keep up etc. Many things get forgot during this period of time. Many things lack attention to detail also. I guess it is my lack of concentration. I'm generally not like this.

I'm still waiting on word about how much it is going to cost us to remodel. The guy said he would get back to us next week well it is next week and a little past. It has been about 8-9 days if I remember right. It pisses me off as I have to plan everything to the money. Money and lack of money for this is a big stressor for me at the moment.

Another stressor is my dog is failing and I'm going to have to put him to sleep. I don't know when as when I was thinking and writing an e-mail to a friend I thought maybe this week by describing his condition. Well, Mr. Brett, surprised me yesterday and had a very good day and managed to wake us only twice . Once in the middle of the night and morning when I generally wake up. Damn, this dog isn't going to make it easy. Most days though he has been not himself and his bad days are starting to really catch up with him. I will play it by ear. I do think he can't possible make it till next month and it would be something if he could make it without suffering. That is wishful thinking though and I will deal with this and not fall apart. I have had this dear dog for almost 12 years. He has been to hell and back with me. Thick and thin. He is also my dear friend and has travelled with me over the years. He has travelled more than most people have. Basically, he is my loyal companion that never has judge me in the almost 12 years I have had him during my illness. That says a lot as many people have left my life in this time period because they didn't want to be around me anymore. Some have left because they are deceased. His life span has brought much change in my life and not all for the better. Most of all I will miss my running buddy. As, a Brittany he really loved to run and would work me out and as a younger dog run me or drag me and give me the exercise I needed twice a day at one time.
He will be missed and I have wonderful and not so wonderful memories of him. He was not the best behaved dog and a hand-full most of his life. He makes me shake my head. He has grown to be a fine dog though.

I don't know what I will do today. Probably some cleaning around the house. I never lack anything to do around the house. I also have a new spin bike that I need to make room for. I need to get J to put that thing together. I need to stay busy and get what I can get done. I'm always afraid the other shoe will drop and I will be in a dark deep funk. I always try to prepare for my funks but most of the time fail to prepare the best. I just can't allow myself to go there again. I will do anything not to get to that point.

Getting There

I was so depressed yesterday dealing with my emotions about Spud the dog. I guess I'm out of shock, anger and bargaining and moving into acceptance. Oh the wonderful grief process. I know life has to go on and we have two other dogs and a cat. I brushed one dog yesterday and clipped the nails of the cat as part of me taking care of them. Took one on a small walk . Trying to get back to normal whatever that is. I felt dead inside as I did all my task yesterday and going to town to go grocery shopping and do errands. Finally got my tomatoes and other things I need to finish the garden. I also got a ton of flowers as they make me happy and the more they grow I get a big delight out of it.
Today is suppose to be warm and I will get a lot done hopefully if I don't crap out emotionally and physically. I know I will gradually move on but really don't know about this flat do nothing irritable mood that is getting old. The dog really was the straw that broke the camels back. I feel paralyzed when it comes to do the things I really need to get done and just get nothing done. I have no motivation and don't have the energy to just make myself. I will repeat trudge , trudge , trudge

Escape

Every since we have had to put the dog down , I have been a wreck. I hate being a wreck and like someone else said about their dog it was a part of my soul. It felt like a piece of my soul got ripped out. I have felt so raw and disconnected until I finally escaped into a mini-vacation to Toronto. It is a little hard to cry walking down a busy street or even be centered in that place with millions of people around you. It has been nice to escape my mood and my life. I have been going to art galleries and eating as much as I can. I have also been walking a ton. You have to walk here and it is great. One of the reasons to be here is to walk without all the blackflys biting and what not. It also allows me to be me in the city. I just get to be and be totally autonomous. I didn't realize how much I have missed the city. As, much as I love it here I will be happy to get back tomorrow afternoon also to my other wonderful dogs and cat. One can only escape so much before you have to deal with life again. But sometimes an escape is a great way to get a handle on things before a person totally comes to pieces. I was slowly unraveling and really need to get a grip .

Things are only getting worse

I have been in a bad mood for about a week now and it just seems to get more complicated. It was an ordinary mixed mood with no motivation, depression, aggitation, restless boarding on obessive thoughts over and over and just the general tendency not to live comfortable in my skin. I have had no energy or just meager energy to get what I think I can get done. When Bam the dog we have had for 12 years and has been in my life for eight is dying. It feels like a little piece of my soul is gone. It has been pushing me over the edge of reason and my mood just gets worse. I have been crying over her and hopefully today we will find something out.