Procrastination

I'm having an inability to focus this morning on any one thing. I'm overwhelmed with everything that I need to get done so my mind skips around. I really don't want to do anything today except relax. I have been making list and the shear amount of things I need to get done doesn't appeal to me. I'm a serious procrastionator and always have this slogan : (I can do it tomorrow ) The thing is tomorrow never comes for me. Because their is aways tomorrow:) I will get some things done today even if I don't go out. I always have a ton to do around the house. List tend to help me see exactly what needs to be done also. I always put what is absolutely urgent down. I know in my head what is urgent but list make it more concrete. I like making list also. I look back at my list in my little notebook or scraps of paper and it tells me a story months later of where I was at and where I'm now.

I went to the doctor yesterday. It was my first time meeting him. Before, that I went to see the nurse practioner. The doctor comes once a week to the outpost. I was very impressed with him. It has been awhile since a doctor hasn't been dismissive and has listened and listened. He asked questions and stayed silent to listen. I think my high blood pressure yesterday impressed him also as I have been half ass medicated for it for a couple of months. He wants to do some serious investigation before he puts me on anything more. But he did up my Cardizm to help with the chest pain and keep the high blood pressure level. He even recognized his/nurse practioners mistake about the one medication that had my potassium depleted and in ER. He said he has to understand how I metabolize better. I go to a specialist the 25th and start the intense testing that I have needed all along. The specialist and this doctor are going to work together to find the answers I need. I feel really relived as I really don't want a stroke or heart-attack. I feel like I'm getting some where which gives me hope. I'm doing the things I need to do also like exercising more , losing weight and cutting sodium. I still need to give up the smoking. I will do that but not right now as it helps me through this time in my life. I would totally go bat shit not having my smokes right now.

Even though I live in Canada , I don't enjoy socialize medicine as I still have to pay for it for so many years because of being sponsored. It doesn't bother me at all. I pay less than people in the states with an insurance deductable. It is very resonable and really don't feel like I should be a drain on the system either. Yesterdays doctors visit cost 30 bucks. When I had a cat scan I payed 700 not 9,000 that was charged to my daughters insurance when she had an accident. I'm very thankful for the healthcare in this country that doesn't leave me bankrupted or neglecting my health. When I see the nurse practioner it is based on donation for me. What ever I feel like giving. I always give a good sum though. I don't want to take advantage of the generiousty of the outpost. Many people I seen in this area arent very appreciative of the healthcare and sort of abuse it also. I guarntee you if their was a minimal charge they wouldnt show up with the flu or many other things that could be treated at home. I have heard people in the office not want to drive 20 miles either for free healthcare and get bitchy about it. I will drive 20 miles for decent afforable healthcare and not abuse the system. So many people take for granted many things they are entitled to. I hope I will always remember and be thankful for what my new country has gave me besided healthcare and that includes better civil rights than I had in the states. I'm starting to bleed maple leafs so I better stop.

I look forward to figuring out what I need to do as I feel better capable to deal with things even if it is overwhelming. I will probaly put around the house and get things done as I have to go to town tomorrow for a dental cleaning and combine everything tomorrow. I do need some relaxtion too as Rob-bear pointed out.
I want to thank my new blog followers for following this blog. I have found many interesting blogs lately with new followers and lurking on these blogs I have found more blogs also. It really makes me feel not so alone and heard. It puts a smile on my face to read blogs every morning with coffee whether I comment or not. I do pretty much keep up with everyone. I will also enjoy reading farther back on some of the new blogs I have joined. It really is nice to get a different view from reading blogs and cheaper than therapy:) I have got more out of blog land than years of therapy.

I Wonder....

I wonder if I only write this blog for myself? Which I do. I never hardly get any comments. Neither do I much ask any questions. I wonder if anyone even listens to me really. I wonder why I even want to be liked. I never really cared in the past. I have always had thick skin. I used to have professions where you had to have thick skin. In every way I have always been a minority that has been discriminated against.

I have visitors on my blog and that should satisfy me but not repeat all the time visitors and never ones that stick. I occasionally have people comment and I'm thankful for it. I'm trying to not whine as I don't think I do very much. I guess I'm in a tender place and want to know if I offend people are what it is that I do to not get repeat visitors or comments. Or is there nothing to say about what I post. I know in the past I never commented much on blogs because I was shy or they said it for me. I read many peoples blog everyday and never say anything. I have started to change that as people really need to be heard. I don't feel like I'm being heard. I'm also pretty insecure about my writing abilities. I have always been dyslexic and it is hard to organize my spelling and wording. I can understand if my writing skills suck. The thing is I have read many blogs that suck that have tons of comments and followers. Suck in content and everything about grammar, sentence structure etc. What am I doing wrong? I'm not that tender to get constructive criticism.

Some of the links I nominated
Bipolar We Can : http://bipolarwecan.blogspot.com/
http://keepsmilingsmileyfreak.blogspot.com/
Overlooking James Street http://madshelly.blogspot.com/
On the Ranch http://cjpattersonontheranch.blogspot.com
Soul Surviour:http://soulmange.blogspot.com/
Desperatley Searching for my Inner Mary Poppins http//mbsmith090801.blogspot.com/
I will update more later when I find 6 more.
I hope you will visit these blogs as they are fine blogs. I'm awarding breaking the rule by not posting 12 now.

Audience

I'm not for sure why people read my blog. I started this as a project for myself but notice I get a lot of traffic off of blogsurfer that I submitted this blog to. I wonder what is the draw if you do read this blog. Sometimes, I wonder what the audience wants from this blog . I have opinions on everything . I never defined my purpose really with writing this. The blog is not very old and I'm new to blogging. I don't even know in this mood or any mood if it is any good or revelant or not. So please if you read this blog give me a shout out and tell me why you read or what you would like to see more of. I know the stats get higher for some of the things I blog about while the stats get lower for some of the things I blog about. I just thought I would ask. Stats dont tell me much about the people following this blog either. I would like to get to know my audience better if you do follow this. Thank-you if you do take the time to read my ramblings.

Another Day

I have grown very intrigued with the concept of a blog. I haven't much in the past looked at individuals blogs and find them very interesting. I feel out of touch that I haven't in the past jumped on the bandwagon of the personal blog or blog period. I have embraced most things on the Internet and have kept up with the growing trends even though recently I'm very bored with some of them which included facebook,groups, twitter. What most appeals to me about reading blogs is that I find people interesting especially there lives. You can only get so much from a blurb on tweet or facebook. Status updates are so vague. The problem with facebook and twitter updates is that you can get a million little status updates to get anything and not much substance. I like more substance. I also love the idea of writing about things as mundane as they are sometimes. Sometimes, the mundane can tell you plenty about a person also. Most people aren't out there winning Nobel Peace Prizes or doing what some consider meaningful advocacy work. They are just regular people that have regular life's and have some insights.

What I do love about the Internet is a person never has to feel alone with a problem as I'm sure someone suffers from malady somewhere and all over the world. Over the years I have belonged to my fair share of Internet support groups and general groups. Some helpful and some not so helpful. Some of the more helpful ones where just general living. I seem to suffer from a living problem . I have came to that conclusion anyway. Which my mood swings seem to aggravate the way I live my daily life and causes problems at times how I view myself. I either view myself to highly or suffer from low self-esteem.
I was noticing yesterday when I was headed to town to go to the dump that I had a truck full of stuff that needed to be cleared out so I could load it with bags of trash. I was looking at the stuff I was unloading and thinking at the time I just had to have these things that I bought even though they have sat out in the truck (aka) storage shed for a couple of weeks. I came out with a roasting pan, media storage system , Wii, three pairs of shoes, various clothing from storage and previous travels, and finally knick knacks from my previous house. That is just the backseat and not the bed of the truck. Since this move I have been trying to organize this house and not to much avail when I keep bringing more in than I take out. It is real hard to try to combine two households. This house was at full capacity before I moved in. That is putting it nicely:) My partner is a clutterbug and trying now to take strides into improving that problem even though it isn't fast enough for me. Previously we shared two residences in two different countries for going on 7 years and took the plunge to combine them this year. It has been an adjustment for me to be in just one place and not travelling back and forth every three months. With not travelling back and forth I can focus more on just one house which has it's advantages and disadvantages. I miss my old house as it was organized and clutter free. It seemed bigger also. Hard to tell with all the clutter in this house how big it is. Last winter and I continue today to hit road blocks and seem stagnate at times how to progress ahead with clearing out the stuff that is what I term just junk and useless. I want things to be used and not just acquired which is hard when your a bipolar couple. The thing though through my travels back and forth from the states to Canada I learned was I was much less attached to my things. Especially, now with much of my things in storage , I seem not very attached to things what so ever. I do have my favorite things like my computer and music equipment but most things I'm attached to could fit into three bags. I never thought in a million years I could become detached from things. I seem to just want things that enhance my life now than trap me. If it doesn't get used it gets pitched. Which reminds me I need to do more pitching. It is also hard with my mood swings because I swear that someday I will do some type of project and it just never gets opened. I'm still working on it. For the things I cleared out of the truck they will get used but not soon enough . I don't feel like playing any game at the moment as that takes energy. Roasting pan, well I don't feel much like making a roast either. The storage system is great if it will ever get put together. I look at it this way, the first step with dealing with this stuff is just moving it into the house because I will deal with it probably when I get to a better place. That better place isn't coming soon enough though. One thing I have learned about moods they do change . I just don't have a crystal ball to tell when they will. Until then I will just tenderly trudge and make myself do what I can.