I have been trying to get it together lately. The other day I spent it taking care of the yard and trying to thicken it with seed and fertilizer. I even planted 45,000 wildflower seeds for shade in part of the back yard that has a lot of shade. I planted everything in the rain. All the racking and what not made my back ache pretty good. I was real emotional that day also so I wonder if my back wasn't worse from having a build up of all this emotional baggage I have. I decided I need a massage so I went for a massage yesterday and she got most of the soreness out and I have felt better. I also got some Chinese chicken noodle soup for the soul. It was a nice lazy relaxing day while it snowed yesterday. It was weird to see pollen and snow on the hood of the truck. .
It has occurred to me I need to take the bull by the horns and slowly get to where I want to be and seating on the couch isn't going to help. I called about scuba diving classes and I'm thinking about that. I will also get my butt back to the gym as it helps the most with my moods and especially with blackfly season going on. I also need to have more patients when it comes to service around here . I'm dying to get the mower back to manicure my lawn to cut down on some of the bugs around here. I have never been religious but I need to get some of my spirituality back that keeps me at peace and do some meditation again. I need some peace of mind as mine is starting to crack some. I really know I need to step it up when my mind starts backfiring. I have been eating more healthy with tons of vegetables, taking vitamins, trying to get out more and hoping to exercise some of that anxiety away. I need to think more positive even though I don't want to but negative thinking has never got me anywhere. Most of all I need to stay busy and not bored. My idle mind gets me into a ton of trouble. Now I will search for things to not keep me so idle and hope this weather cooperates

Moving Forward

I have been domestic lately after a 2 month furlough. Gradually, I'm getting back to my routine in the house and enjoying it. I can be very domestic or not domestic at all. It is all about my mood when it comes to homemaking. I'm also taking up more interest and hobbies. Taking up hobbies have never been hard for me. Actually, I have the tendency to take up to many.
The other day I replaced the bird feeders that should of been condemned a long time ago. They where in such bad disrepair , I bought some more. I forgot how expensive it can be to feed the little buggers. I'm used to mid-western birds that will eat any thing and be delighted. I have an array of thistle, black sunflower , white sunflower, and some song bird mix of food for them. I love watching birds and much better than watching the stuff I watch on tv. I look forward to watching them as I will have to put the feeders up in the spring due to bears. I don't like having bear bait on the property.
I have been yearning for brighter weather and warmer weather also. I think what sparked my need for spring/summer is the flood of seed magazines , I have been receiving. I love gardening and can't wait to plant a garden. My amaryllis and hyacinth is starting to shoot up to bloom pretty soon also. It reminds me of spring . I'm sort of in a spring like mood with plants. I bought an orchid yesterday and look forward to trying to keep it alive. I go through a period in the winter where I need plants and grass. Last year I planted regular grass in a pot. I stuck a golf tee in it with a golf ball. It was nice to think about the golf season. It is easier to plant cat grass though and the cat likes it. I planned another batch for her and it makes me happy to see green and the cat happy she has something to munch on without getting yelled at and shooed away from.
I also got a running magazine to give me inspiration to discover I can run in this muck of snow and ice. Running doesn't stop in the winter. I need to buy me some yaktraxs to put on my running shoes. I think I will use some older running shoes as I don't want to get my new ones mucked up. Basically, I have the clothes for it as you adjust the layers for the winter. Up to three layers just like cross country skiing. Something to wick like long underwear that has wool in it. I like a performance wool blend. Something to keep the wind off and to repeal the water. Something to service as a insulator . I use a cotton shirt and sweats. They sell all sorts of running gear for the winter but I really don't want to spend the money at the moment. I do have a winter cycling jacket that I could use for a jacket also.It has nice zip pits and is warmer so I don't have to wear so many layers to run in. They say to adjust it according to how cold it is. I don't know how much I will enjoy running in the winter or jogging. I think I would prefer to snowshoe or ski. I'm thinking of trying running this coming Friday or week-end if I don't get mowed down by a snow mobile and I can hurdle the snow banks just in case. I will give it a try though as I miss it and like to run on something other than a treadmill.
I generally get more antsy and hyper during Feb and March. It seems my hyper clock is a little off on dates. I don't know how long this good mood will last but I like it. It is different going from being immobile to more active. I feel good when I can perform and get things done. It seems to build on my good mood. I'm even starting to freeze more things up for dinner when I'm immobile with depression again. Or just not feeling well. I'm finally looking a head. Things are starting to look up again.

Excess of The Hoilday Season

Christmas morning, I woke up with a sore throat and a swollen gland. I was a little took back as I wanted to enjoy the food. Being sick threw a wretch into my feasting. I ended up doing some more cooking but didn't eat much of it. I still have the fridge stuffed with food.
I really didn't think much of my gluttony till my father called on Boxing day to wish me a happy holiday and to see what I have been up to. When I told him about all the food he promptly reminded me of being a diabetic and the results of diabetes. He should know as he has had two heart-attacks related to being a diabetic. Also, his mother died of kidney failure as a result of not managing her diabetes over a life time. So, I was reminded food does kill you and not exercising does too. I didn't want to be reminded of excess and just wanted to eat and not in moderation either.
I open the fridge now and don't get so much delite now after speaking with him. I remind myself of moderation. I will be not eating the candy either as I don't want to spike my blood sugar and have tingling in my arms and feet , which I have totallied ignored this month.
As soon as I feel a little better, I will get back into managing my weigh and diet. I just feel better mentally and physically, when I watch what I eat and exercise. Diet is so important whether or not you have mental illness or physical illness. I don't want to suffer mood crashes or physical symptoms of excess. Back to being healthier. It is always a battle for me not to go over board with anything, in my life.

Christmas

It is official Christmas day. It is much like any other day for me except that I cook more. I'm still not in the hoop la of the Holiday season. Neither did I put my shopping off till the last minute. I did put my grocery shopping off until the last minute but that is just me and had nothing to do with Christmas. It amazes me , when I see people still shopping for presents at the last minute. I find this time of year most stores are picked over. I can't imagine finding the perfect gift but more of an last minute gift of that will do. On the news , they showed mostly men doing last minute shopping. I guess men fit the stereo-type of not liking to shop and being disorganized. I have known a lot of men that like to shop and that are very organized.
I wondered if the real reason for last minute shopping is because people live from pay cheque to pay cheque. I also wondered if the grocery stores are busier because everything is closed until after Boxing Day . If you run out your just screwed and with that mentality people end up stocking up more. I don't know, I can only speak about myself. I made sure I was extra stocked up for the long holiday and possible bad weather. I know it got real bad over the holiday season last year and my partner has lived in this area for almost 36 years said that the weather gets real bad over the holiday season. The weather hasn't changed much yet and has been so sunny but cold. I love all the sun and the brightness against the snow. I still want more snow to cover up the ugliness of the plowing and slush that cars and people make. It looks like a winter wonderland out where I live, compared to what it looks like in town.
I have been preparing for the long holiday closures and being home bound. I started cooking yesterday. I made some pasta salad , potato salad, and ham. I sliced the ham up for sandwiches. The pasta salad looks very pretty with all the different colours of peppers and different veggies. I made a red potato salad which I found a homemade pickle relish to put in it. Very tasty and a balance between sweet and bitter. I'm making deviled eggs this morning. I don't like turkey very much so I'm cooking my partner a thigh as she likes dark meat. I'm going to make a roast today instead with the traditonal meal fair of Xmas. I also have all the condiments like pickles and peppers to go with it. Cheese platter of bleu cheese, cambert, and sharp. A very nice salami and pepperoni as I cant find summer sausage here . I also have buffalo wings, jalapeno poppers, spring- rolls , potsickers. I bought some smoked prosciutto to wrap around some asparagus to grill in the kitchen. I have enough food to feed probably 6-8 people and I'm just feeding two. We will be pigging out until the new year. Then , I'm going to watch what I eat for awhile and get back to the gym after being sedentary and watching movies. I plan on playing the Wii over this period also. It is perfect exercise without leaving the house and putting on a million clothes and heavy snow boots.
The only thing the holiday season has accomplished is putting me in a homey nesting mood with cooking and cleaning. I needed a big kick in the butt to get me back on track again. It also helped getting a very whimsical apron for Christmas. I love it. It has a tex-mex theme on it with peppers, Tabasco sauce, tacos and tequila on it. I love aprons and collect them. I like wearing them because I'm such a slob in the kitchen and end up wearing what I'm cooking if I don't wear one. I also got a itunes card. I was in heaven with it as I can blow through it in about 5-10 minutes. I actually got my fill with a hundred dollars worth of music. I could probably down load music all day if I could. I'm up to 13gb on my ipod now. I still have about 135 gbs to feel it up. I'm working at it. If I ever get my storage cleared out I have a lot of stuff to transfer to it. I just love music and it never gets old for me. I love every genre of music even though I'm not that wild with some country. I do like some of it. My ipod is very eclectic and a person could find about anything on it.
I also got a snuggie. It really isn't as cheesy as they advertise it as on the chimerical. The sleeve part does get in my way a little bit but generally the only time I wear it is watching tv and it does fine. I wouldn't use it to work on my computer as the sleeves sort of gets in the way and tends to be bulky for me. It is nice and warm and the plus for me is it is in leopard that tends to hide dog hair. Patterns are wonderful for pet hair. I was thinking stains also. I don't eat with it on so it isn't a problem. We also got the whole series of ab fab and I love it. Nothing like women with sharp tongues . I also like my cafe mug I received filled with biscotti. How can you go wrong with that. My final gift I recieved was money. I purchased two seasons of The jetsons with that. I love old cartoons. I also put my own money with it and ordered Saturday cartoons of the 60's. I can't wait to get them. I ended up buying my partner a Nintendo Ds as they have phased out gameboys for awhile. She loved it and the plus side she can use her gameboy games on it. I also got her games and a book. I combined her Christmas and birthday, since they are so close together. The book is called Pegahmagabow- Life-long Warrior. It is about a man that was a WW1 solider and an Indian Chief. I think she will enjoy it as she was excited to get it because she loves local history, Native North American culture, and anything about war history. It truly combines all of those elements together.
Most of all I'm thank-full to be in a better mood and not so depressed. Unlike, most people ,I'm blessed not to have all the stress most people have during the holiday season.