I can't come up with a witty title

I can't believe it has been a week since I have wrote. I don't even know where to start with an update. I have been very busy in my own way. I was suppose to go bottle wine today but felt crappy (psychially). I have had some bouts of angina the past two days. Nothing serious though just need to slow down and stop over doing it and my never ending quest to handle my stress and anger. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not a type a personality. Some times I can be pretty Type A. I'm not ambitious or competive anymore. The things I can be at times are very impatient ,time-conscious, and preoccupied. My preceptions depending on mood can colour my outlook and are part of my bipolar. I can be high strung then be so easy going also. No matter what mood I'm time-conscious when it comes to appoinments and anything I have to show up for. I'm not so picky about my personal time with things like goals or work I do for myself. My time for my personal things has turned up side down since my heart attack. I feel so disorganized with my life and know it will even out in time. My life recently has been so chaotic with appoinments, errands, personal problems.

I have been going through an on going ordeal with my old dog. The vet suspects liver disease. He went in again yesterday for a bile test for his liver. Last week he went in after I collect a urine specimen in the morning and then took him for blood work. He has been to the vet twice after fasting for 12-14 hours for blood work. We haven't been billed yet but I suspect it is going to be high. After, this last blood test I decided to do no more testing and he can live till he gets to the point he has no quality of life. I'm willing to change his diet if need be and put him on medication. I will know later this week when his bile concentration test come back from the lab. I just can't take another dogs death this summer.

My Grandma is in her last stages of dying. She is 94 so it isn't a big shock and has been declining rapidly for some time. I still love the woman though and it isn't nice to waste away dying and the whole nasty process she is going through. I really feel for my mother and my Grandma is dying at her house. My mother has been her caretaker for many years. I finally ask for some pictures of her as she is right now. Part of me didn't want to see as she was a robust woman 3 years ago when I last saw her. I needed to see as it helps me help my mother through the grief process to see exactly what she is going through. Death is so santized when it is out of sight out of mind for a family. It also is one thing to study death and dying and write papers on it ( I used to) and live the process. One side of my family is almost died. I have lost 6 relatives in a relative short time. I think what hurt me the most was when our two dogs died very close to each other last year. It was literally the straw that broke the camels back with all the death that has been going on in my life. It finally allowed me to grief the other deaths in my life. Which has been for the past year. I'm much better about the grief and have went through the proper stages after even been stuck. I know for me at times I still grieve even though it isn't as fresh. Time has helped over the last several years meaning it isn't as raw. I'm not a big person on showing other people my feelings and I hate crying. Many people don't see that side of me and won't. It really is only for me and sometimes J. That is just how I'm and it isn't going to change. I have been very strong for my mother during many of these deaths and my grandma dying but as soon as I have been either out of sight or off the phone , I fall apart. It isn't a time for me getting overly stressed or emotional as it doesn't help with my angina.

I have been gradually getting back to some of my spirituality. It has been slow but it is a way I have handled stress and emotional times. I tend to lean towards buddhism philosophy even though I have been terrible with the off and on again practice. I have been meditating again and even using my mala. For those who don't know what a mala is basically it is prayer beads or meditation beads. I think off hand my mala has 108 beads. It helps me concentrate or sometimes pray in my own way. Not like western religion though. One thing my mala does for me is gives me a sense of safety and peace. It really helps me with my anxiety. It has such a nice vibe when I hold it and very comforting. I have also recently been using visual imagery in my head to help me relax and be. It is nice to escape in postive mental imagery and a person can do it regardless if they have any faith in anything or not. I basically respect anyones religion if they are not beligerent and radical about it. I tend not to be very judgemental when people are not violating my rights. I don't like many things in life but that is what true tolerance is about. What I can't stand is other people violating other peoples rights. No matter whether I would do it or not. Enough rambling.

Oh, dental update if you read this far. I'm so glad I left that other denist. I start my dental saga tomorrow with the one I went to a couple of years ago. It is going to cost so much less plus I trust him. All, the work is going to cost 1,800 and that includeds the partial, extractions, and to restore my bottoms. My bottom teeth are pretty perfect except a broken tooth and a cavity in another. I will still have a few teeth in my upper mouth to be able to hold the upper plate. I'm happy with the price and trust his judgement with what he is taking out and leaving. I don't feel like a endless money pit either. My visit with him last week cost me 25 dollars for a dental plan. I couldn't of been happier.

I will wrap up this saga.

It Hit Me

I was talking to my mother the other day on the phone when she asked me a question.
" Do you want your grandmother's ugly old clock"? I thought about it for a minute and sad oh hell no. It is so ugly. I speak to my mother a lot and get updates all the time on my grandmother's well being and also my families well being. My grandmother is on hospice living with my mother. It has been very hard for my mother to watch her mother die. I hate hearing the heart-ache and misery in my mother's voice. My mother has been taking care of my grandmother for around 5-6 years. She has dementia and finally was put on hospice about three months ago when she started declining and failing .
I thought I was immune to the grief of my grandmother dying. She is very elderly and has not been in her right mind in years. I didn't think anything of her being on hospice until that damn clock. The ugly antique clock with metal pegs in it. I thought about that clock and gave my mother a call back. I wanted the clock after all. It was like it hit me. Grief that I didn't know was their. An overwhelming sadness came over me and the pain hit. The clock is eccentric like my grandma. It is a piece of her. The quirks I miss and have long missed. I have missed my grandma for years who has been locked in her destroyed brain from age. Now , I won't even have a grandma. I grieve the better aspects of my grandmother. As, much as I want to be a hard ass and not cry it came out. Buckets of tears and sadness.

I was so worn out yesterday from my grief and physical display of emotions. I was like a limp rag. Instead of denying my grief like I usually tend to do or run away from it, I just accepted it. I cooked good food and enjoyed some movies. I rested and took naps. I didn't try to drink myself into a crazy stupor. I was finally just in the moment and allowed that empty dark longing feeling fill me. As, hard as it is to feel grief sometimes we need to . This year has been just chalked full of grief for me. I lost my girls(Golden's) both in about two months. I also lost my uncle . I have been losing a family member about every year for the past 7 years or so. It isn't anything new but it never gets easier to lose anyone. It doesn't even get easier when you know someone who you consider a friend like my grandma is losing a battle with old age even though it is a part of life. I will miss her very much and I have missed her for many years. Sometimes, when death lingers for years it takes something out of you.