Procrastination

Procrastination marks my life. I finally got my media storage center done to unburden the clutter. I needed to finish it to move all the games and movies we have. When I was able to do that I could hook up the VCR-DVD transfer to get up all the old VCR movies to DVD format. I'm the gadget person. I hook up everything around the house and hook up everything.
I also finally hooked up the Wii. I have all the stuff that has been hanging around for months in their place and it looks nice. I don't know why I put it off as it was easy. I have lacked motivation for awhile. I think just taking time for myself yesterday helped promote getting things done. I also don't want to deal with my relationship problems of late. I have a lot of time on my hands now . My mood is not great and still mixed. Nothing makes it worse than sitting on my ass . I really would like to just sleep but life doesn't get better when I sleep. Here is to more things to come. I even made a list today and it built on it's self with getting things done. I clear an area and do more.

Sometimes you just have to get back to basics Bipolar 101

Sometimes, I just need to get back to basics with being Bipolar. That is sleep,eating right, exercising and having me time to heal. Basically taking care of myself. I have been dxed since I was 27 and I'm now almost 37. It has been a long ride for the past 10 years. I also no longer beat myself up for the things I don't do and just take things in stride lately. I'm really trying to beat getting to the hole I'm heading into. I'm also trying not to speculate about the future as I have no control over it and I tend to be a control-freak. I can't control anything of other peoples or even much of my own shit. I try to take it a day or sometimes a hour or a minute at a time. My mood basically sucks and it isn't going anywhere soon. I don't feel like doing anything lately and that doesn't give me an excuse anymore to stop trudging with doing what I need to do. I used to tell myself I couldn't do it. But in all honesty I just didn't want to do the things that make me well. I don't have to feel good to make some strides and take care of myself.
With no energy except the anxiety I took a short jog which made me feel better temporally. I cooked today and had three meals today. I ate a healthy salad and started my extra vitamins. I relaxed today and listened to my favorite music as loud as I wanted and made more play list. I acknowledge the feelings that have been bothering me even though it more less takes time to get over some of the stuff I'm dealing with at the moment. I also escaped into magazines today and was trying to distract myself. Most importantly I have a very good friend that will talk with me and I talk to her about her problems. It is always nice to have support . I'm still working on a support system since I have moved over a thousand miles from mine.
I also bought me a Bose docking system as a treat for putting up with life. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves. I haven't done anything nice for myself in awhile. I also thought I would extend the niceness to taking care of myself with giving myself a manicure and pedicure. I also did a cheap facial and felt relax for awhile. Sometimes , I ignore my appearance and need to remember that is important to have these things done and it boost my ailing self-esteem even when I'm not into it. It is building stones to help me get where I want to be. It is a never ending battle and some days it is as level as it gets but it isn't a cure. Somedays you just need to take a day off and do things for yourself.

Anxiety

I have been so full of postive and negative feelings lately. I have also been full of anxiety. The crippling stuff that wants me to just not do anything. I tell myself I'm overwhelmed because of all I have to do. Well now I don't have to do anything and Im still anxious. I decided to go jogging in the dreary grey drizzle. It sure does clear my mind for awhile. It is so important that I get some sort of exercise as it has away of clearing out just for awhile the antsy anxiety that burdens me.
I thought I wouldn't need a list for awhile and just go by muddled mind. It isn't working. I do know what I need to get done but sometimes it helps me see it in a concreate level. I know sometimes Im more into the list then the actual things I need to do and never do on the list. Sometimes, though it gives me a starting point and that is what I need when I feel overwhelmed with life. Sometimes, I just start with what is the easiest and it gives me confidence that I will get more done and it builds on it's self. Sometimes, I just need to take a break from all the crap in my life .
Today, Im going to be gentle with myself and just focus on myself. I haven't focused on myself for so long that I tend to forget my needs. My need to do something fun is great. My need to do something to escape is great. Maybe, I will just grab a book today and hopefully it will clear enough for another jog to clear out the cob webs in my brain. I could really use more outside time. I'm also enjoying my music today. I love music and today is going to be a music day and not a TV day. I'm so sick of the stuff on tv . I have to also priotize some of my projects today and hope to finish the media storage system I started to finish last night.

Vitamins

Today, I bought some more vitamins to throw on the mix of taking a multi-vitamin and a B-complex. I'm going to start getting more Vitamin C that is chewable for flu- season and cold season and Cod liver oil for the impending winter. I don't get any Vitamin D from the sun. I'm hoping to get a lift of mood also as I'm defienct in that area of sun lately with it raining. At the moment I try to get out even for any influence of the sun. It is dreary with all the greyness but it does help my mood to take some sort of walk and to get out period. It is harder when it rains all the time but not to make excuses their is some breaks in the rain even though it is never enough and the muck of mud is all around. It isn't that pretty outside either as everything is bare naked also and the ground is all dead. November until it snows can be one of the worst months around here as it is known for it's grey sky and nothing ascetic to the eye. Nature is doing her thing and pretty soon hopefully with Day light savings it will be a little better with how fast it gets dark and gain an hour. What are you going to do with you extra hour?

A flood of feelings

I don't know what to really say. My partner has been suffering from addiction and is also Bipolar. I went to an appointment with her today as she was ready to get help with her drinking problem. I'm very proud of her and think it takes a lot of courage to get help. My feelings have been all over the place. I worry a lot about her also as she has some underlying health problems. She was so scared and rightfully so as this is hopefully going to change her life. I already miss her and hope her the best as I know she can do this five day detox. Maybe, this will also give her a chance to get her meds together and me a break from all the chaos that has been around lately. It is heart breaking to watch someone drinking them self to death slowly . It is like slowly committing suicide. I have so much going in my head at the moment and it doesn't help my mood is at a all time mixed up crap state. I need to take care of myself in the meantime and do what I can for me at the moment as my hands are totally out of the mix what is going to happen to her at the moment. I cant guess what will happen and just hope she will be OK. She had to go to detox out of town and I really hope she will be OK. More to come in more days when all this sinks into my brain.

Morning Routine

I look forward to the wee hours of the morning. It is peaceful and quiet . It is just me and the animals. They are my fan club in the morning waiting to go out and do their business. Each day, I discover what the weather is going to be like. Today, it is raining. I can smell the burning of wood and what a nice smell that is. The air is crisp with a little bit of a bite this morning. I can't see much as it is always dark and have to rely on my other senses in the morning. I also love the smell of coffee in the morning and the gentleness of how unchoatic the mornings are waking up and sipping coffee and just being. I try to make plans for the day but life generally gets in the way of what I plan . Lately, I haven't been making as many plans and been getting more done. Sometimes, I need a list but lately I just see what needs to be done and do it. I do love my morning rituals though. I truly like just waking up and drinking coffee and being on the computer surrounded by my animals. I also like watching them in the morning as they are full of life and come alive. One of the Golden's plays with a cat in the morning as they stretch out and roll around. The cat usually bites the dogs head and sets it off as they mouth each other and it looks like they are hugging. The other two dogs just sit there and act all adoring or is it they want a big biscuit in the morning. They love to have their ears scratched and are thankful for the smallest things I do for them. Sometimes, when I think the day is going to suck , I have an animal make me laugh and forget about life and just focus on the small things. I'm very thank-full for my pets . They give me routine even when I reject the notion. They give me some structure when I reject that also. No matter what I do I have to take care of them regardless of how I feel. Sometimes they are my soul motivation to start my day.

Mood

My mood is a mixed mood. Which is a mix of depression and mania. I thought I was just suffering from SAD.(Seasonal Affective Disorder) The weather surely isn't helping matters either. When it is bright and sunny I'm up during the day and down in the evening. When it is grey and dark ,I'm bored and up . The evening down and dull like the sky. It has done nothing but rain and rain. It gets real old. Old like my mood. It will change but when I do not know. I was starting to get some sleep like a normal person before my sinus infection. I thought sickness would trigger more of my irregular sleep patterns. I'm now going to bed in the early evening and getting up at about 2-3 in the morning. What does one do so early in the morning, while others sleep? I try to be quiet and it is hard. I read a lot in the morning. I surf the Internet in the wee hours. I would like to do something else but not many things are quiet and wont wake someone up.
Routine is a thing of the past. Structure is a thing of the past in this mood also. I do what I feel like during the day. Sometimes that is a lot and sometimes it is nothing at all. I'm aware that I'm not the master of my moods lately and I need to get it under control. I need to put back some routine and structure into my life as it helps not only my moods but my sanity. I was fortunate to indulge in my photography this week-end and get lost. It was my mood that I was able to even see something to photograph. When I'm up I can see the silver lining in any subject and it speaks to me. It gives me motivation. When I'm down I just see a patch of grass that is dingy from the welting weather of fall. I just see a rodent in the sky , not a wonderful seagull that has alot of expression. It is funny how a bipolar person see's the world. It is either full of possibilities and is bright. Or it is painfully dull and void. It can at times be frightening also. Very much muddled and fragmented.
I just want to get back into a semi-routine. It is hard to get back to that point but I'm sure I will. I have been beating the all or nothing attitude. Which I have most of the time. Life isn't black or white . For me it has a lot of grey to it tinted all sorts of colours at times. It is time for me to just do it and get the things done in my life that I grapple with. It is hard and sometimes impossible for me to do. I trudge and trudge in the trench of this illness at times . The thing is I don't give up and I keep trudging until I get out of the trench of what ever is going on.