Casino

I'm here sitting waking up. The coffee helps somewhat to form my thoughts. I'm jumbled with all kinds of information and I'm having a hard time making it into coherent thought. Basically, my brain is tired. My mind has been very busy lately. I'm a goal oriented person believe it or not. Give me a project and boom , I get it done. Somethings in life are just not projects and it throws me a little, till I rework it , in my mind to be like a break down of a list. A simple to do list .

At this moment , I play a lot by ear. Plans can be interrupted at anytime. Plans can be hard. It is just not as easy as getting packed to go somewhere and going. J is disabled now and it takes a lot of work. When I plan something it has to be totally handicap accessible.

My point, we went to see Chelsea Handler show at a casino. It took planning. I had to spend extra money to put insurance on the tickets. I ordered them back in February. I had to book a refundable hotel room . I had to make sure it had a room also that we could access. I had no idea when I booked everything if J would be died or alive. Or mostly, if J would be well enough.

We had a awesome time seeing Chelsea Handler. It was a riot. We laughed so much. We for a moment where best friends again. No arguing or bickering.  I even forgot the tickets in the room . Nothing would cause irritation and it was as next to perfect. We took a real limo over to the show from the hotel. They provided an out dated limo . It is hilarious. We felt like we where old pimps getting out of the huge white retro limo. Except, I had to go back in the huge retro limo to get the tickets. I left J in her wheel chair outside the casino.

We made it to the show. The worry where to put the wheel chair ended when a nice attended came over and said we could check it with her . It was awesome. I ask myself what sort of person steals wheel chairs and other mobility devices. Real low lifes. I guess mobility devices are huge money. We paid 300 just for a transport chair. That is cheap compared with what other mobility devices cost . It is a racket, medical equipment.

The show lasted about 2 hours. She had an opener first. He was so funny also. After, the show it was so crowded. It is sort of hard to push a chair in a crowd. You really have to concentrate not to hit people and their heals. People aren't even aware that your there. They dart in and out and sometimes you have to come to an abrupt stop giving J whip lash because some oblivious  asshat jumps out in front of the chair.  I'm getting better at navigating. Thank god , I was in a good mood or the asshat might of got  rammed and ran over.

Even the ride back was better because I really tipped the driver to be more accommodating. The first time going over there he was having a hard time with the chair and had the trunk swinging open to fit the chair and begrudgingly put the chair in the trunk. Suggested we get one from the casino. I had to explain to him she actually needed it to even get back to the room etc. It is deceiving because she can walk some and get into a car herself. That is about it though. He was kind after that. I tipped him real well dropping J off and taking me back and forth. So when he saw us again he was about tripping over himself to do a real good job. Even set up her chair to present her when she got out of the limo. It is funny what money will do to motivate people.

I have a very hard time with crowds and casinos. Casinos trigger a mini mania for me. Everything shines, twinkles and is so loud. The decor even over stimulates me. Just about everything overstimulates me in a casino. I had to smoke up before I went over there. Just to handle all the things that are bad for me and gives me that horrible anxiety ridden feeling. In the past , to deal with the casino, I would hit the bar at the casino. Next thing you know I have that zombie slot face. Then J would yell at me to stop gambling and drinking. She would also yell at me because I would have to see every section of machines, trying to figure out the best return for my buck. They don't have the best return for your buck in a casino.

I managed to stay out of the bar and no where near a slot machine. I didn't even eat at the casino. Opting for a bag of Arbys in the hotel room. We just laughed and talked till we went to bed. For that evening, I was in love again. It really felt like a date. I had all the feelings I had when we first got together. It truly was a good day.

Reality, set in the next day. J was so exhausted and has been in bed off and on since we have came back. It takes a lot out of J to do anything.

We have another trip planned for our 10th Anniversary for the first week of June. That will be more sedate at a lighthouse over looking Lake Huron. Lots of taking in the water, bush and boats. It should be restful.

I hope this post was somewhat coherent. I'm a better blogger in the afternoon. haha

The Help

I love the morning. It is so quiet in the house except for the occasional meow or dog wanting to go outside. It is my time of day. I have no demands at all this time of day. I have actually missed my early morning routines. I started to watch murder mysteries with J instead of going to bed early.

When the day officially begins is when J wakes up. It is loads of pills, breakfeast, coffee and anything J wants and of course the tv starts. The blasted tv is on usually for hours. I have started to really hate the tv with a passion. It is so dismal. I usually clean, cook and wait on J, watch tv, go to appointments, and occasionally have my own appointments.

Yesterday, was one of those days that I had an appointment of my own. I had an appointment for my feet yesterday with my massage therapist. My feet are really bad lately. My  tendons are flared up and I have muscle that tries to adhere to places where it isn't suppose to be. , Plantar issues are some of my issues with my feet also. Anyways, I went for a half and hour to get my scar tissues busted up in my feet. Not fun but worth it. I don't drive so I had to have J take me. This is a nightmare for J to take me anywhere. All I heard  how she had to seat in the truck for a half and hour. How horrible that is and etc. The day before I had to leave the house at 9 in the morning for her doctors appointment so I could push her wheelchair but never did I bitch about it. It is  a nightmare getting everything ready for a morning appointment. I wont schedule an appointment until the afternoon . I heard about my appointment for hours yesterday like I was going on a vacation for pleasure of something. It is terrible to ever have an appointment of my own.

J was psychotic yesterday. I dread those days. I can just look at J and say anything and J  burst into tears. I can say anything and J gets angry and rageful. I can also say nothing and the rage boils because .... I haven't guessed or conjured my crystal ball for the right thing or answer . I forgot to add how really screwed up the thinking and hallucinations can be. J is bipolar also. It is a curious combo when you have a very sick mentally ied and physically ill person to take care of. It just drives me up a pole some days. Most days , I just ignore the verbal diarrhea that comes out of J's mouth. Some days, I tell J off and confront the illogical thinking. Yesterday, I tried to ignore it . Didn't work. I confronted it and by golly somewhere in the recesses of that dark brain of J's she took extra anti-psychotic. It wiped J out enough to sleep.

I have not a clue what today holds . I can guess it probaly won't be goood. It will start with the usual demands , then shit will hit the fan because I have no mushrooms for mushroom omelets. I was to tired yesterday to pick some up. Oh , I will pay for that with, J grumbling about mushrooms until I go to the store. Thinking about how unreasonable J has got is tiring. I feel like the maid. The help. It does get old.

I'm Back

I don't know where to start. If anyone has noticed, I have been gone for over 5 months. Short and sweet my life fell apart. We had a very brutal winter. I just came down from one hell of a mania this winter and crashed. To top it off my spouse has been very very ill and is dying. I have been learning to cope with it. It hasn't been a easy ride. Plus , I cope with chronic pain myself and taking care of J is so exhausting to my body.
     My new role has became a caretaker or better known as a personal support worker. My body and mind has and still is adjusting to this. J got so sick this winter that she was bed ridden. Now, J is now stabilizing and can get around with a cane and wheel-chair. J went from fat to morbid obesity and pushing a wheel chair has took it's toll on my body, so has lifting on and off the couch, in and out of the shower and in and out of the bed. |My brain has also had to adjust to waiting on someone hand and foot and how demanding it is to take care of every need J has.

The hard part though is seeing someone I love muscles waste away. Watch an independent person be waited on and have to be pushed to her doctors appointments because it is to far for her to walk. To know it is all a guess game about the prognosis. Trying far  to be there emotionally when my best friend might just drop dead tomorrow. I have done my fair share of crying. I have been at times angry. At times, I'm fine. Anymore, I'm pretty accepting even though I don't like it.

I have  tried to make life pretty normal and go on like nothing has been happening. Very few people know what is going on or just vaguely know. It is J's wishes to be private. It has been hell for me to be so private about it that I just don't share period . I have shared with a few people but not to any depth. People just don't know what to say. I wouldn't either to someone close. Maybe, I would say my ear is open. I would love to just voice my frustrations sometimes to get through  another day .

One thing I have learned in this shit storm is to take life a day at a time. I know, it sounds so cliche . All, I really have energy for is sometimes minute, hour , day. I don't have many options to not get up every day and deal with it. I can't hide. I can't shut myself up in the house and  be a hermit anymore. It rattles me to the core someday with anxiety.  I can hear my head. It says how in the hell can you get through this situation? My head says, I don't know but you have to. I just try not to think about anything and just do it. I also get a little help from my friend weed. It works better than anything I have ever took for anxiety and pain. So, judge if you want. It has been a god send.

More later.....

Free Book

Cathy Olliffe-Webster, wrote another book called Friday Girls. The book will be available 

Starting tomorrow, for five days, Friday Girls will be free to download on http://www.amazon.com/Friday-Girls-Cathy-Olliffe-Webster-ebook/dp/B00GI293M0/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1383839900&sr=1-1&keywords=Friday+Girls

The description for this book from amazon is: If Friday wasn't already your favourite day of the week, it will be after you've read Friday Girls. 

Every Thursday night for more than a year, author Cathy Olliffe-Webster sat down in front of her computer and wrote a story for #FridayFlash, an Internet meme that involves some of the finest writers in the world. Stories are written and posted on blogs, where other writers (and fans of their work) can read, enjoy, and comment. It's a friendly, positive atmosphere and it encourages writers to stretch their literary muscles. 

Cathy's stories took on a life of their own and she began to think of them as her "Friday Girls," mainly because they were published on Fridays, but also because they were usually about "girls." 

These are stories that will touch your heart, make you smile, make you cry, make you think. They're just like you, the Friday Girls. They're just like all of us. 

Rant

I have been doing my usual morning routine. Sad lamp etc. I'm finally waking up and just dread the day. I try to go to sleep at night at the earliest time possible to just get the day in.I thought I was depressed but it seems I'm mixed. Meaning :depressed and manic. It is a horrible feeling.

Lately, I have been cleaning and have been on the line of a little obsessive. I was cleaning the windows in side the house and notice the dog really smudged up the outside. I went to clean it. Only problem it was raining so hard . The wind was blowing sideways. I was determined to clean that window. Put on a rain jacket and my shoes and out I went with my cleaning supplies to clean the outside of the windows. I also managed to really clean the kitchen from top to bottom. Very boring. I hate cleaning but it needs to be done,

I was in a funky mood yesterday. I try not to get into it with J but find it impossible not to argue with J lately. It always turns out bad for me because at a drop of a pen J cays and the argument is over. J is just plain lazy and doesn't lift a finger. All J does is watch tv, read and do facebook. I get sick of doing everything. I asked J to go and get something in town because I was busy. The answer was no you have to come with me. That is because J can't get off her lazy ass and walk into the store and get it. I really do everything around the house. Three meals a day, everything. I ask for one simple thing because J is never busy except with facebook or watching the same news feed over and over again. I get anger and you know what the response is. It is going to be a bad day because your being unreasonable with your mood.. My response is it isn't my mood but how you behave thinking Im your servant. J has been milking this sick thing to the max. J has had every test under the moon then some and guess what it is nothing. My theory is J is over medicated. Sick or not I still make dinner and am responsible to get things done. It makes me mad that one person can stick all the work on another person.

I need to figure out how to do something about this situation as I hate all the work heaped on me. In the past I have went on strike but that only hurts me . I still had to clean it up. It doesn't bother J at all to live in squalor either so really if I want a clean home it is all on me. I'm seriously thinking about hiring a cleaning lady twice a month.

What goes up must come down

I`m sitting here drinking my coffee and wondering what to write. It has been awhile since, I have really wrote. I have been manic since probably April or May of this year. I crashed last week sometime. I sleep 12-14 hours a day now. It feels so good to be able to sleep again. It is a relief not to be so hyper anymore.

It is also a relief not to contain my bipolar and hide my moods. It is pretty easy at the moment to be depressed and very mellow. With the depression now , I have started my SAD lamp and started to take vitamin D.

It feels great not to feel compelled to spend money I don`t have. Our mail box was brimming with packages of clothes, movies, games and weird stuff like latch hook rugs and paint by numbers. If you know me I`m not the crafting type. I thought if I could do something with my hands it would calm me down some. The boxes are unopened waiting in my weird logic as something to do this winter.When  I`m bored now or try to stop smoking again. I even tried to stop smoking this summer . It was a disaster. I even thought I would watch one scary movie a day for October. I bought like 15 movies and subscribed to Netflix. I even upped my internet package for the bandwidth. I haven`t watched any Halloween movies really of yet. I`m to tired in the evenings and J just hates my movies. I did though manage to watch a season a season of  Orange is the new Black. I really liked that. That is when our Wii bit the dust. Ordered a new one even though I could just hook the tv up to the computer. Ended up with a new wii that I keep saying I`m going to play the games I have. I have tons of games that I never play but keep saying I`m. Just insert excuse. I ended up hooking the computer up to the tv to watch Youtube. My hdmi cable broke some how and I have to get another one.It broke because it was cheap from some knock off place that sent it to me from Hongkong. I will buy one from a real store this time.

I have been so broke from spending money like it is water and it seems everything needs fixed all at one time. Had to fix the trucks steering and septic tank this month. I`m just happy the psychosis and pressured speech, ideas, etc are at bay. Funny thing , I don`t speak very much anymore. J thinks I'm mad. I had to explain I just have nothing to say. Then J gets it Im not manic talking all the time  about the most mundane things

I`m mildly depressed but have missed so much sleep. I think I`m just catching up. I have done more catching up with the house and my affairs than I have all summer. It feels good to be in a hibernation sort of mood. I even baked bread not that long ago I feel content to hardly do anything.

Green Eggs and Weezie

I rarely mention books on my blog. I would like to tell you about a book I read not that long ago. It is called Green Eggs and Weezie by Cathy Olliffe Webster. It is about a woman that finds out that her husband is cheating on her. She has a bad reaction and ends up in jail for domestic violence. Then it goes through the journey of her piecing back the broken pieces of her life. The book is witty and humorous while tackling  very hard topics of relationships, divorce , and  assault .  I forgot the add how she navigates through the ridiculous criminal justice system.

Cathy also has a blog that I read that is very funny and she is a very gifted writer. Her blog is called Cold Lake Cathy you can find it here : http://muskokariver.blogspot.ca/

Go over and check out her blog then go and buy her book. http://www.amazon.com/Green-Eggs-Weezie-ebook/dp/B00FL7Y27O/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380901601&sr=8-1&keywords=green+eggs+%26+weezie

Help out a fellow blogger by spending 4 dollars. It  took me an afternoon because it is well written and a page turner.