hmm...

First off I can't get my own comment section to work to comment back on the comments. It is frustrating. I want to say thanks to all that commented. I'm really trying to change this vicious cycle with my moods by being more proactive and dealing with my life even if it isn't perfect by any means.

This week has been a rough week. J sickness has got worse since detoxing off the booze. We had to go to the er this week with symptoms of a gallbladder and it wasn't that but a fatty liver. J can't hold food down at all for the past 2 weeks. J shits it all out and on top of that doesn't want to eat hardly at all . Which isn't like J. J is very over weight due to all the weight gain from all those nice psych pills. The doc said the fatty liver was due to J's fatness. Who knows because as I was reading you have to do a liver biopsy and the doc didn't do one. He did do blood test and a ultrasound. I was hoping for a gallbladder as that is fairly straight forward. This isn't as straight forward and really their is no change in J's sickness and J is very sick and very weak. I think we will find out more when J goes for a follow up the 24th. The er doctor wasn't what i say very good or helpful.. I find in the area where we live the doctors aren't very good and I have been to a lot of doctors over a lifetime for various things. I certainly wouldn't feel like putting my life in any of their hands up at the hospital. I always joke around and say if I break anything or am very sick drive me 90 miles away to the next bigger city. I even question how they read an ultra sound as J has had a bad ultra sound before in this area and was told that the other city was going to do it over again because everything they do here is questionable.

J not eating means I don't want to cook just for myself. My diet has been crap this week and I hardly eat. J eats soup or something like ensure. I made my first real meal last night where I grilled some burgers. It felt good to eat something like real meat (lol) I have been running around like crazy to take care of J these past 2 weeks. You would think J's legs don't work nor arms.  It puts me in a funky mood. It seems when I try to take care of myself something like this happens.It pisses me off because I don't abuse my body like J. If I did I would have to pick up my own pieces and get no help . J sometimes drags me down . J is starting to get real whiny.  I hate whiny sick. Who knows if the liver is from being fat or from drinking to much. Abuse is abuse. Even if it has tons of reasons. Of course J is in denial and feels helpless doing anything about it. It might take getting off the couch and putting the food down to solve. It might mean cutting back on the psych pills and dealing with life.

I do know one thing I can't  put my own life on hold anymore. It effects me in a negative way and triggers depression. I know that for me to stay healthy mentally I have to stay active and do some of the things that make me happy.

Coming out of my Cave

I have been pretty anti-social and not very much on communicating since about sometime in June. If it wasn't for facebook or twitter I wouldn't communicate to people at all.  I have been in a mixed mood. For those that don't know what that is .... It is depression and mania at once. The weird thing about this go of it is that I have been productive. I have managed to dejunk a lot of the house.
To be exact 2,600 pounds of junk. I hate clutter but J likes clutter. J calls it collecting . I call it hoarding. It has took me years to finally get this shit out of the house. The house still needs more junk out but I can live with this. I have been making everything have a place and been organizing since it is just way easier to clean that way and to deal with. Clutter=chaos to me. I have never lived in a cluttered home until J and that has been full time this 4 years as before we travelled back and forth and lived in two countries. I just didn't deal with J's junk and about every three months I went back to my home. Before that I just lived here during the summer and J would live in the states in the winter. Well, it finally had to be dealt with after 10 years in a relationship but got evaded at every conversation about it etc.  I got a big bin and pitched it . If I would of gave it away it would still be here. I needed rid of it. Worked for months babying the crap out to the bin as I just didn't pitch it I made J deal with it and let it go. I think bathing a cat would be easier.

I have been dealing with cleaning and organization for several months now as I go to shit in the winter and need everything in order for it. I'm planning for my major seasonal depression. I haven't had much fun either this summer as I have been super broke paying off bills and debt. Which leaves no money to have fun. Next month will improve as the debt has been dealt with. We will finally have a vacation after not having one for about 3 years. I also started to jog again after my hip was bothering me. I can't afford massage therapy and don't want to hurt so exercise was forced on me. It has been a good thing. A friend also sent a link to some Yoga sight on You-tube. Ekhart Yoga. It is the best. I have been doing it for like 4 days everyday and plan on to keep doing everyday. I was so tight everywhere and right now I'm pretty sore as my muscles loosen up. I didn't realize how tight I was because I live in chronic pain with my shoulders and back. I don't know how long I will keep exercising as I go on and off it but I do feel better jogging and doing yoga. I also plan on the last little bit of summer to swim. I have no excuse why I haven't been swimming as the lake is in my backyard. I just haven't felt like it . I have went a couple of times. Believe it or not I use the excuse it has been to hot. (haha) Most of all I have been busy in my head. I also been busy with problems with J. That is another blog into it's self as J has been drinking again and now is detoxing.
I have to take care of myself and my moods which have been put on the back burner for awhile now. I want to start having fun again. I look forward to my vacation next month. I look forward to using some of the things I rediscovered de cluttering.  Being broke has been good in the part I found that I use more of the things I have around the house and became more handy in the kitchen . I eat a lot healthier not going to the grocery store as much. I'm also back to drinking water all the time and feeling better. I got off the soda last year just to get back on it again. Now I'm off it again. No junk food either as I haven't been able to afford it and have to make everything by scratch. It has been good. We also had a complete fire ban. Which means no bbqing . It has ended and I can enjoy what I enjoy so much in the summer cooking out. I do look forward to the fall though which is soon for us. I like cooler temps and have hated this very hot summer.
Hopefully, I will be updating more lately and commenting on more blogs. I have been reading peoples blogs but just haven't had much to say.

I'm back

I have sat here wondering what to write. I have been having writers block of some sort. So far after my daughter has left I have managed getting some sort of flu and pulling the muscles and liagments near my ankle on the back of my foot. I'm over the flu but the flu helped me stay still enough for my foot to start healing. I went and had it massaged and ultrasounded and it is about back to normal. I also do daily stretches and that helps a lot.

I'm also back to my decluttering and getting things done around the house. Finally got that treadmill into the main house. It weighed over 200lbs and had to get the guy up the street to help me. My muscles are screaming. It is done though and all I have to do is put it together. It has been sitting out in the studio since Januarary. Yesterday, I could hardly move and I was so tired moving all the things out of the house to get the treadmill in and also lifting the treadmill.

I'm trying to clear out the studio for the a/c. We dont have a/c and that is the only room to handle the load of one. I also want to clear out the junk room/studio so J can get back to painting. I want to have everything organized by winter. We only have about three months of summer then it gets cold again.

Im also trying to get into some sort of structured rountine which is real hard for me also. I'm also trying harder to get out of the house. I just really don't like going out period as |I have everything I need at home. I do manage to do some shopping when I need to . But my justification of not going out is being broke and it seems to work. I do go outside though but just not to town. I'm hoping with this warm up soon , I will get back to swimming. 

My Brain Is Tired

My brain and body are exhausted. I'm sitting here trying to get my thoughts in order and they seem scrambled. I feel emotionally drained this past week and a half. My visit with K ends next Monday. I have been going hard since K has been here. Trying everyday to come up with something to do when the weather has been very screwed up. One day it is cold and rainy then to sunny or overcast. The weather lies all the time. It was suppose to rain yesterday and it was a wonderful pretty day. Ended up doing shopping on a pretty day because it said it was suppose to storm the whole day. Also, K wanted some piercings. I'm like what ever floats your boat. It isn't like I can say much having as many tats as I do and piercings. I took out all my piercings though. I do feel that they where tasteful. One was in her ear and on a weird place and the other was her belly button. She has a pretty body so she can really rock her belly piercing. K is all into appearances and pretty much takes forever in the bathroom putting a lot of effort in her hair, makeup and clothes. While I'm ready in 15 minutes.

One day we about tore each others heads off sparring. Since then it has been quiet and actually nice. I'm not going to take K's crap and neither is she mine. It doesn't help we are both moody and insecure around each other. I have just mainly figured out give K what she wants so we don't fight. It is for so little of a time that I can be more giving. I do set myself up though giving and giving and then when it becomes to much blow the hell up. I have tried to stop the material things as much because it is just really breaking me. I haven't even sat down and figured it up because it is a couple of thousand as we stand and it is money I don't have. I feel guilty as hell putting my foot down but try to do other things that are domestic like bake brownies or listen without giving advice even though I think some of the things that K does are terrible. I'm sure I wasn't all that wonderful at 17 but I can actually see my mothers influence on K and it isn't great. K is so high maintenance but I love her anyway. Maybe, high maintenance people get what they want though as I was never high maintenance and haven't much got what I have wanted in life. I'm happier with less or do I tell myself that? I will have to ponder that. I do know I settle for less out of people and that is my own fault. In the past couple of years I have even allowed myself to get lazy and settle for nothing out of myself also. I have been basically been trudging for awhile.

K's visit has actually challenged me emotionally and physically and that is good but produces a lot of anxiety. It also makes me want to get out more. Not as much as I have been getting out but maybe a couple of times a week when K leaves. I actually look forward to swimming this summer when it does get warm enough. I have also been eating better since K has been here also. Three smallish meals a day and well balanced. I normally only fix two meals a day . K makes me behave like someone with structure and that is a good thing even if it is trying.

The Grass Grows

Everyone is a sleep and it is so nice:) I really like my time in the morning. Both K and J can sleep the day away. We are all three on a different sleeping schedule. It makes it interesting. K naps some in the day and is up all night and can sleep all morning also. Me, I go to bed at about 8;30 or 9 and sleep till about 4 . J goes to bed about the same time as me a little later and can sleep the whole morning away. I finally had to take something to get more sleep yesterday as I was so tired and tired and stress doesn't work for me. I actually just got up a few times in the night and went right back to bed. Slept till 6;30 this morning. It felt like sleeping in.

We had a real lazy day yesterday. It was 13C for other people around 50 degrees. It was mostly rainy. I did though put some grass seed down as they tore up the backyard with the backhoe. Even removed about 3 years worth of bulbs also in that area. I'm not happy but what else could they do. I will make it even better this fall and also try to plant some summer flowers that come up every year also there. My most important thing in that area is to plant grass as it has been so muddy and I want to prevent anymore erosion. I found this grass that really is no fuss planting. It will even grow on concrete. It is a golf green grass and really does well as I have used it before.  I did the grass planting while J and K went to town to get pizza. K also had to stop by the drug store for stuff to do her nails. K is such a girly girl and much diva like. I'm so not like that. But I'm happy to support her girly girl habits which are expensive. I'm always amazed at K's impractial shoes also in the bush. K would wear heals camping. Thank-god she did bring a pair of tennis shoes. Even though she reminds me she feels like she is slumming it. It is funny and not funny at the same time to see her sink in the mud with her shoes that are so impractial here. Well back to the point we watched some Harold and Kumar movie. It was very stupid and I had to go take a nap. I didn't say anything. I wanted to get rested up for the long haul of this visit. I hate complaining all the time about how tired and how much I hurt all the time so I thought I would get some rest and do many stretches with my back and shoulders. When I woke up probably a hour after I took a nap she was asleep. I was up hours and she still was asleep so didn't wake her. Put things up went to bed. As soon as I was asleep I heard some wrestling around and she was up. I'm sure she is bored out of her mind so far but it will get better. K also has been fighting being sick also. She gets physically sick every time she is stressed and goes somewhere. That has happened every since she was a wee little girl. I was glad she was resting as she can get very sick.  We have no idea why her immune system is such shit. A couple of years ago she was sent to St. Jude's for a leukemia scare but it turned out she was OK but has some white blood cell problems that was never addressed fully. But most of the time she is fine. That period of time drove me mad thinking she might have cancer. I was so relieved.

Don't know what we will do today as it is threatening to rain again and is so dark. As, I look up though the sun is trying to make it's self come out. I would dance a happy dance if it could at least not rain today. K wants to look at the little shops in town. They are great if your a tourist and shit if your not as they just carry tourist crap. Maybe I can talk her into decent shoes to take a walk on the nature trail also. She is so girly but at the same time rides a dirt bike and loves nature also but just in heals. I shake my head though. I hope it holds off on raining the whole time as I want to canoe with her and swim. Go to the beach etc. I have been missing bbqing and grilling also. I have cooked more than I usually do. I like it though and it is only for about 2 weeks.

Rainy Days

I woke up extremely early today. In the wee hours of the morning. I did go to bed real early though. Can't force my sleep it comes when it comes. I started reading blogs and noticed someone dropped following me. Made me scratch my head a little. Made me ask am I to boring, depressing, etc. Just really made me wonder why. I guess Im not there cup of tea. I don't loose sleep over it though because I'm who I'm. Chaotic post, some just normal, some dark, some just ramblings. It is just all me.This is sort of like my on-line diary. Most of the time I put my normal face on in public and most people would never in a million years know how screwed up I'm or how lately how stress out I'm.

Anyways, lately I have been telling myself I'm OK and not stressed. Do the anxiety etc. I will get through this stressful period called life even though it seems everything is breaking down etc. It does work to a certain extent but my body tells me stress, stress ,stress. My eye is twitching all the time, I'm up and down all night. I physically tired etc. I have been trying everything I know how to deal with my stress. Bubble Bathes, Breathing Excersises,Talking it out, Journalling,Eating right, Trying to not focus on my problems all the time, even drinking at times for the anxiety (not excessive), PRN Pills. You name it and I figured it will just have to pass like anything else. Most of all what gets me through things is distraction.

I went to see Men In Black 3 yesterday. It was a cute mindless movie. Didnt think of anything else during that time except getting popcorn in my teeth and being consumed by the movie. At first , I had to laugh it was the small and a outdated theather. I'm guessing at the seats being late 60's -70sih with the place having half the screen a modern one would have also. The sound was decent though. It was also something to do on a cool rainy day. I can't believe it has been in the 50's  for the past 3 days and doesnt have any hope to get warmer till tuesday and that will be in the low 70s. We have needed the rain badly. The catch is it doesnt help my visit. Even if the rain will just clear up next week it will be easier. Today is suppose to be rainy and cold. So, we are going to play old-fashion board games, rent movies and eat pizza. Hopefully, I will catch a nap also.

I really hope for decent weather. Last Thursday when we picked up K from the airport. The guy that put off securing the dock and putting it back into working order finally did it. It blew me away because he is so unpredictable. I was amazed it was done. I really look forward to the lake warming up and swimming this summer. Even got a wetsuit to swim when it is coolish. I think it is still real cool water. I also plan on getting the canoe out next week. Nothing like a paddle around the lake. I'm crossing my fingers for better weather as the place I live in is all about the outdoors and just makes things a little harder when it is cold and rainy. Cold doesnt bother me as much as Cold and raining. I have also planned a day on the request of K to take her to Canada's Wonderland. I'm not much of a fan of rollercoasters and neither is my back. But none the less I will go and walk around and might ride some rides. It is about a 3 hour drive not speeding to the place. If it keeps raining we will go to another city though that has more urban attractions. I'm trying to be real flexible.

I also had a talk with J about J being sarcastic with me also. J said she didnt realize what she was doing. Yesterday, no sarcasm. Also, had a talk about not putting me in the middle with the tension with K. They both have some tension with each other. Nothing terrible but none the less I dont want to be put in the middle. It really stresses me out when I want to make them both happy and a drama free visit. K was blaming J yesterday when we had a moment to ourselves about how I'm normal now and J is to blame for my anti-social ways lack of being normal etc. Basically J has rubbed off on me. I pointed out that was not true. The reason why I appear more stable than I'm is because I do basically live in isolation. That was my choice. I did tell her to try to remember how I was years ago. I was totally off my rocker and acting out. I was manic all the time also. If it appeared that I had more energy and was more social that was my mania. I don't think she gets it but told her she can tell me these things but please don't hurt J's feelings. J is very good to K and trys. J doesnt even resent the money I spend on K or the expensive plane ticket I bought K to come here. Me and J are a little stressed out about money at the moment but J never told me not to spend money on K. J does now how important this is to me. I really need to spend some alone time with K and hopefully the weather will permit it. I thought I would go paddling with K and just talk. I did spend some time with J alone even though it was whispering in bed while K was sleeping. It meant alot to be able to spend some time with J. It kind of destressed us to be able to talk a little and just lay next to each other holding hands . J is J faults and all but for the most part we get along even if J's quirks get on K's nerves they dont always get on mine. It is also harder because the last time we all(J,K,K) lived together was probaly 2006 to the beginning of 2007 if my mind serves me right. It wasn't idea then and a lot of baggage has been collected over the years. K was 7 when J came into my life. Loads, of baggage. But either one has ever said it to each others face. I'm the lucky one and they tell it to me. Most of all it is nit picking and nothing real major. I guess the major ones is when they bitch about each others personalitys. That doesnt change much and that just has to be accepted.

Well, I have rambled enough. Time for a cup of coffee and some house cleaning.

Where has the time gone

I haven't blogged in a long time. I really haven't felt like it much. Life really has been busy with the good and the bad. My mood has been all over the place also with all the stress. Everything has been breaking. I'm to the point I can't pull money out of my ass. I have had J's glasses break, lawnmower,
brakes on the truck, A huge pipe to the house that had to be dug up by a backhoe and other machinery. It was ten feet down and leaking. Had to go without water for several days. We are on our own water system and have to pay all the cost associated. Also, my mother hasn't been well but is better now. That is a relief as you can fix that other stuff even though I have had a eye twitch for a month. Also, when my mood was a little high at the first of April. I made a not wise decision to book a trip to see BB King. That was real fun but cost way to much as we stayed over night and went to a casino. I only spent 40 at the casino and gambled a couple of hours and came home with 20. So, thankfully my mania wasn't flaring up that much. I did think the casino overstimulated me though. It made my head hurt. I even had to say I needed to go back to the room as it was overstimulating me to much. I would either stay and have to drink and probably gamble more to settle my nerves. I didn't want to do that so took a timeout and went back to the room until the concert. The concert was great except the seat triggered my back to act up and is still acting up a little. The pain is dull and just makes me tired. Some asshat was kicking and stomping the seat and it almost felt like sea sickness. I couldn't believe the asshats probably where in there 50's. I would expect that from a teen-ager but not some adult that old. Somebody , behind me was tone death and was singing all the songs also. I really didn't pay to hear someone overshadow bb's singing. I was in a goodish mood so overlooked it. The concert was late for me so I was so drained coupled with back pain. I barely made it through dinner after the concert. I limped back to the limo to take us back to the room. I had a laugh at the limo as it was a 80ish limo that looked like it might at one time belonged to a funeral home. It cost 8 bucks for J and I to get back to the room that probably was 2 blocks away. Worth it since no sidewalks to walk on and a very busy highway with probably drunk people..

I have also for the last month been decluttering. Rented a huge dumpster to clean out the house and garage. I hate clutter and J is a semi hoarder or she would say collector. I say it is to much for me and it has to go. I can live in some clutter but not where it impedes me. I would prefer none but I comprise. It is to much for J also. Also, the house became such a mess , disorganized etc over the course of the last year with me experiencing more depression that I'm used to. I really have been working at it but I'm a little at a stand still. It is getting harder. I just wish I could do the pitching but I will not pitch nothing without J's permission even if I think it is silly. It is looking better though but I feel guilt for not re homing the stuff as a lot of it is good. I just really really need it out of here for both of our sanity and before winter. Winter is when I get severely depressed and need it as easy as possible around here and maybe for a cleaning lady to come in twice a month. I'm already preparing for my extended depression.  

My daughter is visiting this week. I haven't seen her in 2 years. My daughter is a story in it's self. I have blogged enough so will try to tell the whole story some other time. But back to my daughter it is causing so much anxiety her being here. The anxiety is me because I haven't been much of a parent for the past 4 years. I have stayed in touch but I feel like I really don't know her as well as I should. Feel tons of guilt. I also really want to please her. She has been here for 3 days now. It has been going well (I think but who knows) My daughter K, doesn't show her feelings much so it is really hard to try to read her. K is very sarcastic which has always been her personality and mixes her humour into her sarcasm. What I take as a barb is her humour and her way of dealing with things but sometimes it hurts my feelings. J does it to and sometimes I feel like they are picking at me. I had enough last night and just casually went to bed. I needed my space from the both of them. Our house is small and it is hard to get away and have my time so I go to bed early and get up early. Which is my schedule anyway. I have not much energy either and K is a go -go person that needs barely any sleep. I'm really fighting not totally shutting down at the moment but run on fumes as I feel even before she came used up. She does put some energy back into me though. It really forces me to fake having energy and a decent attitude. I need to tell myself it wont be perfect but I will try my hardest. Trying my hardest when I don't feel like a damn is so hard but I'm doing it. I really want to try to live in the moment because I probably wont get a visit for along time after this since K is so busy in her own life. Going to be going to university soon. She probably wont have much time for me. But I'm so grateful she will visit me period. We have been through a lot and never thought 4 -5 years ago she would ever visit me.