Sad days

I haven't been writing lately. That is because it has felt like life has kicked me in the teeth again. I have had so much going on and much tragic news. I don't much talk about my family on here. The news I have received lately is my uncle has liver cancer and is terminal . My grandmother that lives with my mother is going on hospice in the real near future. She is 94 so that isn't a big surprise. She also has severe senile dementia. I have mourned the departure of my grandma when she lost her mind about 7 or 8 years ago. The hardest one I have to stomach right now is the possibility that my daughter might have leukemia. She has had several blood test that all come back screwy. The values indictate something is wrong and she will be going to a hematologist for farther investigation. I will hear something hopefully by Friday. It has been the longest 2 and a half weeks with this. I just want some answers and they aren't coming fast enough for me. I'm scared and haven't dealt very well with all this news. I should say I'm dealing with it the best I can. Some days , I don't even get out of my pj's and just watch the crappy t.v. Some days, I try real hard . I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and just want to get off.

I'm planning a trip up north and will be gone for about 5-6 days. Up north is very spiritual for me and I need to connect to something. This trip is to restore some of my sanity as well as just to escape. I need some recharging. I know my problems will be right where I left them. Maybe, with some renewed spirit I will feel more like coping instead of finding my faith in a beer bottle. I have been getting drunk lately and it isn't acceptable to me. I need the beauty of nature and up north is where I find the divine wave , the colour of fall, the majestic waterfalls, trees that whisper in the wind and the pebble sanded beaches. I can find these things and relax without modern technology or most anything modern. It is very rural and cell phone coverage is spotty. Part of me is going to moan and grown for a day without my wifi or my daily calls to my mother. I might still make my daily calls but it will be on a land-line in a motel of mystery. I still have what we used to have before computers and blogs. It is my trusty journal and notepaper . I really plan on doing some journal and getting in touch with me. Hopefully, I might find one motel that might have wifi. I doubt it though because most of it is so rural. If I do I will update my blog. But probably will when I get back.

The Good and Bad

On a good note, I have started to battle some of my depression. Baby steps have been applied to my life. I started to get out of the house. That started last week. I have been continuing that aspect as much as I can. I went shopping yesterday and actually didn't mind it. I also got my hair done . I love getting my hair done. Nothing like a good shampooing and massage to the scalp. The stress totally leaves me and makes me a happy camper.I shopped for more exercise clothes. I was thinking it might get me back on track. Since, it has felt like I have derailed this past last month. I also was pricing a new stove top for the kitchen and realized , I'm going to have to shop harder as the one place I went I didn't like the price. Which translates I'm going to have to order it via Internet or drive a distance. Sometimes, it really sucks to live in a rural area. The selection is just not there.
Last week, we went and visited my in-laws. To be honest it was more like checking up on their well- being. They are 90 years old. It always leaves me wanting to bang my head into a wall. They really need to be in a nursing home. They are hanging on by a thread. My mother in law has senile dementia and my father in law can hardly walk. My father in law makes all the decisions and lack of good ones in my opinion. He is very difficult for me to get along with as he is very stubborn and very argumentative. It lives me not talking much and just observing. I also get mad at J for not pushing them more to get more care. J and her brother don't want to step on toes. Well, I step on toes and wouldn't mind shaking things up. No, I'm suppose to bite my tongue about anything they do and that includes J's father treating me like shit and being in my opinion treating J lesser than the rest of anyone in J's family. Sometimes, I feel J's family is ungrateful as we travel aways to see them and help them. We also spend a ton also. We pay for most of the meals and have to pay for our lodging also. That doesn't even include gas. For as much as we pay we could have a nice mini-vacation of three days , anywhere in Ontario . So it chaps my ass, when they aren't grateful. I have been sort of ranting about J's parents for about two days. Mostly, in my head as it isn't nice to rant about someones elderly parents even if they are a huge pain in the ass. I always suck it up and I'm nice out of duty. Even booked another trip next month to help out and visit . Whether I'm in the mood or not. I will suck it up like I usually do and make my way to the hotel lounge and make the bitter taste in my mouth go down with a double of scotch.

Today, I'm going to not let this eat me as I can't change people and the only person I can change is me. Hopefully, I will make an appointment for a personal trainer to get me ready for the ski season and some help rehabbing a past injured shoulder. Several years ago , I tore a rotary cuff. I really need more aerobic activity also. I know how to exercise but it also helps me to get a firm schedule of what I need to do to get stronger in my core and legs . It cuts down on injuries when down-hill skiing when you are in shape. I need at least 8 weeks of fitness training. I have heard in might be a earlier winter and I want to be ready this year before the SAD seats in. I want to be locked into a proper schedule so I don't flounder.

SAD

I have been missing for awhile. I have been in a depressive mood. The weather hasn't been helping. It has been raining off and on for over a week. It has been so grey and black out. No sunshine at all. It is almost fall and with fall comes SAD (seasonal affective disorder) I'm just dreading it. The good thing is the doctor said she would loan a sad device to see if it will work. I will also have to step up on exercise and nutrition. I tend to sleep a lot when it gets all bleak outside and I will have to start setting my alarm clock not to sleep 12 hours a day. I haven't been active at all in the past 2-3 weeks and it has took a toll on my self-esteem. I feel a little bit more like conquering today. I told myself I have to start some where.

A Ghost from the Past

I had a funny experience. I logged on to facebook yesterday with a request from a person . I thought I didn't know her . I did , it was someone that I went to High school with. I have no old high school people on my facebook except one other person. I did sort of stay in touch after high school with that person. I was surprised that she found me. It isn't the easiest thing to find me on facebook with all the privacy controls and stupid picture I use. I use a lemur for a pic. I about laughed when she asked me what I have been up to in 20 years. I laughed and said a lot has went on in twenty years. She wanted to know. I let her hear the good things but never really told her about anything else. I really don't know this person anymore. I just declined to say well I have went totally crazy in the past 9 years . It isn't as bad now. Who wants to hear you have been scooped up in a butterfly net and locked up more times than you can count on your fingers. It made me aware that at one time I had a picture perfect life to the outsider looking in at one time. Well it was never perfect nor does it look so hot now. It also amazed me after not talking for twenty years how one person could ask why I got a divorce 8 years ago. I was asked what happened. Why does anyone get a divorce. I never answered that but the dude was a real ass hat. Very emotionally abusive and I had enough. It might of also been because I'm a lesbian. I don't want old friends looking me up so I have to come out of the closet again. I still guard that fact about myself . I hope she can look at the pictures and figure it out herself. I don't think in a million years anyone could of figured out that I would become a lesbian.
I fought for many years to like my life and just want to forget about all the shit that happened in Highs cool. Or many other times in my life. My life is good now and I plan to keep it that way. I have worked my ass off to get to a place where I like myself most days. It hasn't been easy.

Irritable

I'm not a happy camper. Everything is breaking down in this house. This week-end the newish cordless phone went out and so did the coffee pot that is less than a couple of months old. Did I save the box or warranty. The answer is NO. I thought they would last more than a couple of months. I get pissed nothing is made with quality anymore. It isn't like I bought cheap things either. The coffee pot is Faberware and I have no idea what the phone is but it wasn't cheap. To make things worse the oven has went out about two weeks ago. I don't want to have that fixed until I get the stove fixed. They are two separate units that I want to only call one service person and have to wait till the counter top stove that I want to purchase is within my reach. Now I won't wait for a coffee pot or cordless phone. I have been using the antique rotary phone. Yeah, we really have one of those old ones on the wall. I hate it but it is better than nothing. I haven't much spoke on the phone for the last four days because of it. Just to talk to J and bitch. It goes through one of J's ear out the other. I have been trying to argue with J but I'm not getting anywhere. I'm a little pissed at J also. It has been along four days by myself and nothing has went well. It also has rained buckets so I have cabin fever on top of everything breaking down. I haven't ran using the pouring rain as an excuse. I miss seating outside also. The dog did though recover from eating a box of bran buds. He was awfully smelly for about 2 days. He is back to him self.
J gets home today . I'm more glad about having transportation than J being back home. Like I said I'm pissed at J. I have had a ton of time to think about our relationship and it isn't the best at the moment. I get tired of the same old shit that happens year after year. I never have accepted the fact no one changes and I have to accept it or move on. I probably won't move on but I have to accept J. I have to remind myself I have to do what is best for me and sometimes that is to detach , move back and take care of myself and only concentrate on my needs for a change. I'm such a caretaker with J that I have lost myself in many ways. When I'm alone it shows me how selfish and self-centered J is. It also shows me how J takes no responsibility for anything . I feel like it is my fault since I do everything around here and make all the decisions. Lately, I have felt J is not very able to do things. Oh, I'm so wrong as J finds ways when I'm not around and is very functional without me . It pisses me off because I ask myself why can't J be like that around the house. My answer is J is lazy and can get away with it around here so why would J be any different. Oh it eats at me lately. With everything falling apart, my mood and the irritation with J sometimes I just want to scream.

Do you want some cheese with your whine

Today, has been a dreary dark day until the clouds cleared out this evening . The evening got still as the clouds cleared. I wish my mood would clear like those clouds. I have been alone today. J went away for the week-end and the house is so quiet without the girls being with us anymore. This is my first time alone without watching 3 dogs and a cat. If you have been following the girls died this year. The house is empty without them. I still have Brett but he is a old crank that sleeps most of the day or hunts. The poor thing ate a whole box of bran buds while I was at the grocery store today. He got it off a counter. He must of used his big paws to scoop it off the counter as it was far back. He is in a lot of distress stomach wise and should be better tomorrow but until then he is full of gas and the stink is about killing me. I might have to kick him off the couch. The cat is about useless without J here. She won't come out of the bedroom but managed to keep me from sleeping this morning playing with her ball and spitting around the house at 3 in the morning.
I have read a lot today as the summer is full of shit on t.v. and I have watched about every sitcom this summer. I just can't numb my brain with that crap anymore. I also been a little introspective and it is just uncomfortable. I think it is uncomfortable because It has been a rough year and I just don't want to be alone with some of my thoughts. Not that they are dangerous or anything but just painful and sad. I generally have other things to focus on and for once I'm alone with myself and I don't really like it right now. I have to come up with a project this week-end. I don't want to think. I would go somewhere but have no wheels this week-end which leads me to feel trapped. I'm so full of complaints this week-end. I feel like asking me if I want some cheese with my whine.

A Delight of Food

I thought I would blog this morning as I feel chatty. It has been awhile since I have felt like talking or writing. I have been sad for months on top of being depressed. I don't know what has changed exactly for me lately but I like it. I'm sure it is particual my mood. During my summer of funk I stopped taking all my vitamin supplements. I started back a couple of weeks ago and feel so much more alive and functioning. I'm more like myself. I'm starting to have the summer that I planned . It is also showing signs of fall here. Some of the trees have started to turn some and the mornings are pretty crisp. I also see the days are getting longer. With signs of fall I start getting more of a nesting instinct to prepare for winter as they are very long here.
Anyway, I reseeded the yard yesterday and the weather was nice enough to rain and water it all in. I also managed to get most of my errands done also. I picked up my meat from the butcher. The freezer is now stocked for about 4 months. Until , beef goes on sale. Then I will get a side of beef. This time I got a cheap variety pack and about 15 pounds of skinless , boneless chicken breast. I'm pretty stocked for pork as the last time I got meat I stocked up on pork. I'm actually thinking about getting some lamb this fall from a local farmer up the way. It would make a change as I'm about beefed out.
I have been looking at different recipes lately and trying more marinades. One I found I like is called Wine Shallot: 1 cup dry white wine 1/4 cup of finely cut onion and shallot, 1 teaspoon oil 1/2 teaspoon each of cracked pepper and dry basil, 1/4 teaspoon of dry rosemary, and one bay leaf. I really like this on pork.
I also have made an easy ratouille doing hobo packs on the grill. A hobo pack is just a foil folded over all the vegetables. Eggplant, squash, tomatoe, onion , any type of peppers and seasonings. I served some naan (indian flat bread) brisked with some olive oil and heated up on the grill to go with it. It would be more french if you serve some sort of crusty bagette or french bread . Or with the ratouille sauting the vegetables before baking it. I just skipped that step as I like simple on a hot day.
I need to get ready for my jog this morning and finish my coffee while it is still warmish.