Unwelcomed Energy

I have been having a nice lazy morning. Drinking coffee and listening to some classic rock on the satellite radio. I have been catching up on reading blogs and facebook. I haven't been able to relax in a couple of days so this feels nice. I have been edgy and unsettled with a sense of nervous energy. I have been putting that unsettling energy to good use . I did all sorts of yard work yesterday as it seemed to help. I mowed, trimmed pulled weeds, stacked wood and got rid of brush piles. It seemed to help get some of that unwelcoming energy out of me. I even tackled the mess of the kitchen. All the work I did yesterday has left me more even kilted today. I don't know how long being calm will last but I will go with it.
I have all sorts of errands to do today since yesterday the thought of being trapped in a car wasn't going to happen. I even thought yesterday wasn't the day to deal with people either. So, today happily they will get done. I haven't had the patients to do laundry at the laundry mat . I have been paying the laundry ladies to do it and it has worked out good. I'm trying to eliminate some of the crap I truly hate around here when it doesn't work with my mood. It has helped me concentrate on some of the stuff I like in my life like working out and cooking. Also, I'm going to re-seed my lawn this week-end since it is all together. I much rather re-seed my lawn than do laundry. I better get off here and start planning my day as it might be rather long getting things done in town since the hoardes of tourist that embark on the town every week-end.

Ramblings of a mad woman

I have been sitting here reflecting over this past week. I love the morning as it is so quiet around the house . I drink my coffee and listen to the local radio at low volume. The local radio station really stinks but it gives local news and the weather. Sometimes, there contest amuses me. It generally is a simple trivia question or a clip of a song from the 60's 70's or 80's to guess at. What makes me giggle is the prizes won. I think you win a water bottle and get your name thrown in for a end of a week raffle for a buffet at the local Chinese food place. I'm used to radio stations giving better prizes. Oh what fun it is to live in a small tourist town.
I have been doing OK this past week. I have had productive days and not so productive days. I still struggle with daily life but it is getting better. I tell myself that anyway. I managed to run four days out of the seven. I wanted to run every day. I find the motivation to run hard. Actually, I find the motivation to do most things hard lately. It hasn't been so bad though and I have got a lot of things done. I think I want to have the feeling of natural motivation but it isn't going to happen. Sometimes, it is like pulling teeth to get me to do the things need to be done. It is even harder for J to get anything done and that is what I'm struggling with lately. J does nothing except sleep and drink and it is getting on my nerves. I hate being totally responsible for everything. I could bitch and whine about J but it solves nothing. I'm pretty irritated with J lately though. I know in time it will get better but the thing is when. It has been about three crazy weeks with J. It was just getting better until we received Flora's ashes back in an urn the other day. It is very morbid and I will have to look for a place in the house where the urn isn't in our face. I would of preferred her ashes in a box to be buried in the back yard. I wouldn't mind burying the urn but it seems pretty expensive to just bury.
Anyway, I hope this weeks weather holds up . I want to get on with life. I really don't care what else is going on with anyone at the moment . I have to take care of myself. I need to get back to golfing, swimming, and projects around the house. Being mentally ill myself and having to take care of someone that is mental ill can often take a toll. The best thing anyone that takes care of someone that is having episodes is to take care of their selves. I'm not getting in the middle of any crap and that is when I detach. In the past I have tried to stop taking care of everything and it backfires on me as some things just drive me nuts and I have to do them because it effects my life and comfort. I just won't be doing extra things or go out of my way to do things. My life has to go on even when life seems to be unfair lately.

The Other Shoe Has Fell Off

I thought I would do an update since I have been gone for awhile. A lot has happened since, I last posted. I did manage to clean up some of the pig pen aka house for my relatives to visit. I did it in whirlwind speed. It reminded me not to procrastinate as it just causes a ton of anxiety. I then had a hectic but fun week with my family. To be honest , I'm not used to being that busy. I think I scheduled everything to do in the region, we live in a week, which is to much but they liked it. At the same time we had company the dog got sick. We thought she had some type of UTI. We took her to the vet last Tuesday. She was dxed with acute leukemia. X-rays revealed she had a enlarged spleen and most of her organs where damaged. She was seven. Even taking her to the vet being sick she was the vibrant dog she always was. Licking the vets feet and pulling to say hello to other dogs and people. It was a shock when we had to put her down. She just showed signs of her illness during the last week of her life. She had sudden onset. I was curious about that since she had a physical the month before and was fine. So, basically we lost 2 dogs in the period of 3 months. I was just getting over my mixed mood and depression when this happened and life looked up. Things where going well. I actually started to live again. My trudging was starting to be in the past. I'm back to trudging again but differently this time. The grief is to much this time and I try to ignore it as the thought these weren't only just mere dogs; they where my immediate family that I have spent years with and a lot of good and bad times with. I will get over it and have managed to stay busy. I just can't go back to that dark place where I was for the past three months with the death of Spud. Our young dog Flora was so full of life it is kind of a tribute to that dog to keep trudging along and living. I allowed myself a good three days to just totally fall apart and go on a binge drunk. It didn't solve a thing and made me feel worse.
J is Bipolar also. She has took this worse than ever expected. Her mood has been starting to change for the worse. She has been experiencing psychosis and has had to increase her anti-psychotic. I'm trying to be the rock in the storm now as both of us really can't go insane. I have increased the structure in the house and have started running it really tightly. I have started running again to relieve the stress of all of this and handle it in a more approtaite way than a scotch bottle. The remaining dog loves to run also and it burns off the anxiety . Brett the Brittany has been showing his ass since the girls have died and I have had to show him who is top dog and it isn't him. He is coming along and dogs like to have discipline as it shows them they are safe. Life goes on as I tell myself and in time it will be better .

Tip

I was sitting here procrastinating again after I did some picking up and had a shower so I thought I would share some tips with you. I did a pedicure and manicure today. My feet where still green from working outside and even scrubbing and scrubbing didn't make a difference over the past couple of days. Something that no one might not know is I don't wear socks. That goes for the winter also. They drive me crazy. I don't much like shoes either. Anyhow, my feet suffered from two days of heavy duty yard work in flip flops. Finally, I applied my trusted tree tea oil shampoo to my feet and it stripped off the green. So did filing them and a pedi-egg. Tree Tea oil is good for many things. It cleans my jewelry, hair, helps with insect bites and cleared up a nice case of poison ivy also. I'm in love with the stuff. My hands have been so dry and chewed up so I soaked them in olive oil. I applied the olive oil to my hands and put on surgical gloves to soak. It repairs cracked cuticles and takes off hang nails. My hands and feet feel wonderful and look lovely. It beats paying to get it done also.

All Over

I don't know where I'm going with this post as I seem scattered and overwhelmed. I guess I will start with I got all the yard work done for the dog's invisible fence people . They did a great job installing it and we have been training the dogs twice a day. We have to have them chained up for a week until they understand their boundaries. It is coming along great. It is day three of it and we will up the radio waves on the collar and it will be more of a vibration if they challenge the boundary lines.
I have started to tackle the house and it is a huge job as I really haven't done anything in months. I did take a break yesterday from everything as I was just real worn from all the heavy work around the yard and my body would not take anymore. I had a nice time watching pure crap on t.v. and eating a ton of vegetables and fruits as that seemed to be what my body has been lacking and craving. I really don't know what I want to tackle today as it really looks like a bomb was set off in this house. I will probably do some errands today such as going to the dump and getting some cancer sticks(cigs)out on the Indian rez as they are about half the price as they are at the regular store. It wouldn't hurt me to get cleaned up as I have been in work clothes for days followed by my pjs.
I hope I can get the kinks out of my brain and start thinking in a more linear fashion. It would make it so much easier to get things done and not be all over the place. I really need to make myself a list but they don't help much as I basically know what I need to do but still skip all over the place.

I should win a trophy for procrastination.

I finally had to end my procrastination when it has came to the house and the yard. I was suppose to clear our yard so the dog fence people can lay down line for the invisible fence. I had to clear down to the lake as we never bothered except for a pathway. I had weeds as tall as me in some places to weed-eat. I'm 5'8 so the weeds where tall. We also had to get a down tree out of the way. Stupid me tried to pull on this rotted thing to get it easier with the chainsaw. When I pulled on it I went flying backwards and hit my head and ass so hard on the ground. I rattled my head pretty good. I think I gave myself a concussion. These are the times I'm glad J was a RN. J checked my pupils off and on all night and I have no brain damage from that at least. I feel decent except for a low grade head-ache today. It just feels like I was punched in the side of the head real good. Since, I procrastinate to the last minute I can't take a break today and have to get the front jungle down in what semi looks like a front-yard. I'm really excited about finally getting some type of fence for the dogs. Especially, for Brett, the Brittany. He has been chained every time he goes outside as he runs off and stays gone for hours. It is going to be great for him as he used to have a huge fence yard when we lived in the states. He is going to have a literal shock getting used to it but he is a smart dog and will learn fast . Flora, the golden retriever will do fine with the new fence as she isn't a runner or takes off but does need the occasional reminder to stay off the road.

Yesterday, I finally got out of the house for a haircut and went to town . While in town we broke down and bought a dock. It will take them a week to build it and deliver it. We have to install it . We thought for 150.00 hour that we would have to pay , we could do it ourselves. We have to paddle it to our property and set up the anchors, tie downs to the trees, and set up the ramp to the stairs. Doesn't sound hard but nothing we do is easy. It is nice to be kicked in the butt with activity after being depressed or in a mixed mood. I know I can't procastionate anymore as I have no time . I have relatives in about a week and a half and all that I haven't done in months calls my name. I have always worked better at the last minute. I should win a trophy for procrastination.

Off the ladder

I have been a little busy lately. First we went to visit the in-laws for a couple of days. Then I have been gradually trying to get this house in order for my relatives that are coming up from the states. The weather has been very hot and not in my favor. We have no a/c as it doesn't usually get this hot. It has been about 95 but with humidity 100 plus. I took a long awaited dip in the nice refreshing lake. It was actually sort of funny as I was trying to install a boat ladder to the main ladder that goes down to the lake .When I jumped in the water the ladder wouldn't work and I had to swim to the other side of the shore and walk home. I really think we are going to have to break down and buy a dock . I don't mind the heat if I can swim and it is hot enough here to swim every day. Plus it would help me loose much needed weight. The problem is docks are expensive and takes someone to install.
My mood is going better. It is funny how when a mood isn't so low or to high how a person can actually look forward to living life and the puzzle pieces come together . I don't know how long this little normal period will last but I'm happy that I'm more functional.