Anniversaries

I have a lot of anniversaries this week. Tomorrow, is my seventh anniversary of marriage. Also, this week I have lived in Canada for one year straight without going back and forth to the states. I can't believe I have been married seven years this go around. There has been many up's and downs. We both have been so committed to each other and one others short-coming also. It has also been a long year here getting adjusted. I'm used to the city and not living in a rural area with a small town. That is on going to get used to. I still don't have things near to my satisfaction either. My storage has never really been touched either. It seems out of sight out of mind sort of thing when it has came to getting it out. To be honest this house is to small for my stuff and J needs to get rid of a lot of stuff. Gradually J has got rid of some stuff but is a pack rat. I'm not as attached to stuff and can live without nick nacks and frou frou. Just give me my electronics and golf clubs and I'm happy. I'm happy that I don't have to drag stuff back and forth anymore and have a whole truck load , to unpack every 3-6 months . I also got used to living out of a suitcase and purchasing stuff to make travel easier. I haven't had to spend any money on that stuff any more.
Back to anniversary . I don't know what we will do. If it isn't raining maybe play golf and have a nice dinner. I still don't have a gift for J and will pick one up today. Money is a little hard at the moment with all of our up coming expenses so it will probably be something practical. I like to give big gifts so this will be a little harder for me to be practical and on budget.

All Tied Up

I haven't realized how much tension I have been carrying around until I had a real bad headache yesterday and a panic attack. My head is still tender from the headache and my muscles have felt like big knots this morning when I woke up. I woke up and decided I needed to do some meditation and stretching to get some of the tension and anxiety out of my body. I even did some imagery of where I draw some numbers in my head to clear it. It put my body and mind at ease doing some of these things. I need to probably get more exercise to break up more of the tension but my head still throbs a little. It seems the more it throbs the more I get anxious and the more my body goes into a huge tangled knot. I haven't had one of these attacks since around March when I went skiing. I know I need to relax more and that is easier said than done. I feel very overwhelmed lately with life in general because I have let everything go in my depressed state. I logical know I need to break it down into small task and not over think things. I think to much and sometimes I just need to do things and not think myself out of things. If that makes any sense. Today, I will not ask myself why, why, why, and self analysis about anything and do what I can and not beat myself up for what I'm not doing. I will take extra breathes today and practice some relaxation methods to start destressing so I can become productive and active.

Depression

I'm very frustrated I lost a post that I wrote. I'm sorry I have been MIA for awhile but I have been very depressed. I was in between mixed and depressed when the dog died but went into a very deep depression after she died. I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I haven't been doing anything except being paralyzed with crippling depression. I stopped doing even basic things such as showering and going out of the house.
I have started a anti- depressant and feel much better but still in low grade depression. This is when I start using my coping techniques such as diet, exercise, routine and being good to myself. I wasn't able to make myself do anything but now I can. I can start coping with the horrible heat that has plagued this area. Before I was sitting depressed baking to death. We have no air as the heat isn't common for days . I think the heat made my depression worse. I'm not used to the heat without central air. I knew my depression was getting better when I started to cope with the heat and just not languish in it. I started drinking more fluids, taking cold showers, eating ice-cream. I also started to get out of the hot house and go to town by the bay where it is 10 degrees cooler. When I'm outside I have started to play in the hose like a little kid. I'm slowly getting back to normal. It isn't fast enough for me but it is coming along. I started to have goals again other than just get through the day . I will have to discontinue this anti-depressant soon as it will make me manic. I don't like either extremes. Now it is up to me to do the coping I need to do to make it back to the middle.

Getting There

I was so depressed yesterday dealing with my emotions about Spud the dog. I guess I'm out of shock, anger and bargaining and moving into acceptance. Oh the wonderful grief process. I know life has to go on and we have two other dogs and a cat. I brushed one dog yesterday and clipped the nails of the cat as part of me taking care of them. Took one on a small walk . Trying to get back to normal whatever that is. I felt dead inside as I did all my task yesterday and going to town to go grocery shopping and do errands. Finally got my tomatoes and other things I need to finish the garden. I also got a ton of flowers as they make me happy and the more they grow I get a big delight out of it.
Today is suppose to be warm and I will get a lot done hopefully if I don't crap out emotionally and physically. I know I will gradually move on but really don't know about this flat do nothing irritable mood that is getting old. The dog really was the straw that broke the camels back. I feel paralyzed when it comes to do the things I really need to get done and just get nothing done. I have no motivation and don't have the energy to just make myself. I will repeat trudge , trudge , trudge

Escape

Every since we have had to put the dog down , I have been a wreck. I hate being a wreck and like someone else said about their dog it was a part of my soul. It felt like a piece of my soul got ripped out. I have felt so raw and disconnected until I finally escaped into a mini-vacation to Toronto. It is a little hard to cry walking down a busy street or even be centered in that place with millions of people around you. It has been nice to escape my mood and my life. I have been going to art galleries and eating as much as I can. I have also been walking a ton. You have to walk here and it is great. One of the reasons to be here is to walk without all the blackflys biting and what not. It also allows me to be me in the city. I just get to be and be totally autonomous. I didn't realize how much I have missed the city. As, much as I love it here I will be happy to get back tomorrow afternoon also to my other wonderful dogs and cat. One can only escape so much before you have to deal with life again. But sometimes an escape is a great way to get a handle on things before a person totally comes to pieces. I was slowly unraveling and really need to get a grip .

Things are only getting worse

I have been in a bad mood for about a week now and it just seems to get more complicated. It was an ordinary mixed mood with no motivation, depression, aggitation, restless boarding on obessive thoughts over and over and just the general tendency not to live comfortable in my skin. I have had no energy or just meager energy to get what I think I can get done. When Bam the dog we have had for 12 years and has been in my life for eight is dying. It feels like a little piece of my soul is gone. It has been pushing me over the edge of reason and my mood just gets worse. I have been crying over her and hopefully today we will find something out.