Try Try Again

I have been under the weather since yesterday. I have been running a low grade fever. So , I didn't do anything I planned on doing yesterday. I'm sick of being sick as it makes me feel low about myself. I was just starting to feel well again to get back into what feels like the ditch for me. I get very needy when I'm sick and I hate that feeling also. I feel like a big baby also because I want my mother to take care of me. Which isn't going to happen because she is over a thousand miles away.
I feel a little bit better today and took some allergy medication and some tyneol. Hopefully, I will make it grocery shopping today and get some errands done and my mood wont dip farther down as it was just coming up to an acceptable level.

Building Blocks

Yesterday, was a better day. I got cleaned up as soon as I wrote my blog and got ready to go shopping. I even cooked bacon and scrambled eggs. After eating and watching the news me and J went shopping about 60 miles from here . The drive was absolutely stunning with the different shades of green that are coming out this spring. We went to a place that I thought might have some summer clothes and not much luck. So we went to lunch and it was interesting seating out on the patio listening to this one table debate whether they had sex with this woman. They where pretty drunk but nice enough as they helped us get our umbrella up. We hardly talked to hear this tawdry conversation. We walked away full and entertained. We had one last stop to look to see if this store had Rollerblades and BBQ tools. Nothing turned up but we bought some mosquito coils for a bug shelter that we are going to put up so we can sit out in the yard.
Driving home I took photographs of the various lakes and rivers that we live by. I'm a little sore today from climbing rocks and paths to get the right picture. I love photography even though I'm pretty average at it. I try to get in all the practice I can.
Today, I'm going to try to tackle some of the mess around the house and maybe go grocery shopping. I was thinking laundry but it is trash day and we have to drive our trash to the dump. Not enough room today. The mood I'm in is gradually building on it's self and getting a bit better. It feels like building blocks. I hope I have a better base so it doesn't come tumbling down.

Baby Steps, Overcoming my Mood

I have been trying to trudge my way through whatever I'm going through. It is sort of like a mixed mood but more on the depression side. I do have some energy but can't stay focused on what I need to do and it seems in the past month with being sick everything has fallen apart. I'm also back to going to sleep early and getting up early. Where I was going to bed late and getting up at a normal time. It is so weird to look at the contrast of my moods and reflect on them.
I do know I'm getting better as I can make myself do some things around the house. I lack motivation all together and no one tells you how to regain it. It's either Just Do it or they can't understand why I don't and can let everything around me crumble. Well Just do it is great if I'm in any other mood than mixed or severe depression. In a mixed mood I just do what I want to do and lack the concentration of staying on task. Depression I do nothing and have a hard time feeding myself meals on top of it.
Yesterday, was a good day for me as I picked up some stuff around the house. I tell myself every time I get up pick up something and put it away or pick up ten things. It has been working. I got my laundry sorted to take to the laundry mat as clothes where storn all over and aren't anymore. I even gave all three dogs a haircut and clipped their nails. They look orderly and manicured. They where real good about it and are ready to stop dropping pounds of winter hair all over the place. It helps me and it helps them. I didn't clip them that short but tried to get the winter hair off and off the Brittany I just made him look like a Brittany instead of a wild haired mountain goat from the Himalayas . I still have some stripping off the hair off the back with the Golden Retrievers. Also, another nice brushing this week to get all the winter off of them. It would be easier to just take the three into the groomers but I'm trying to be a little more frugal and saved myself about 150.00. I have been doing there grooming for about a year now and I'm gradually getting better. The nice thing about screwing up it grows back.
I'm also getting cleaned up again everyday or putting on my work clothes for around the house. I have done that now for three days going on four. I have paraded around in my house clothes for to long now. I remember when I retired, I found no need to put on regular clothes and opted for lounge clothes . Real clothes everyday is what I need and a shower also even if I do messy work outside. I have found if I can't commit to little things such as regular clothes, brushing my teeth everyday , I'm not going to get the things done around the house and just watch tv. I certainly don't care what I look like when I'm depressed. So trudging back out of that hole I have to take care of every aspect even if it means getting cleaned up is all I do for that day and take care of my personal needs. If I get a couple things a day done it is better than nothing also. I have also been making a mental note in my head what I really need to get done first as everything seems so overwhelming. Chipping away at it in little chunks seems to be working and making myself feel better with cleaning up and healthy meals help also.
Now if it could get sunny today it would be a great start to my day as I'm looking forward to golfing again. It seems that I need something fun to do or even get out of this house.

Procrastination

I have been in a slump for awhile and have no motivation. It is gradually coming back but it has come to the point where I just need to do the things I need to do whether I want to or not. I don't think there is anything to get me motivated except baby steps. I think I'm going to start a small routine with my morning ritual and start blogging more as it seems to keep me more accountable and on track. I have all sorts of things to do now I need to narrow them down to the most important and build on that. I also need some fun or something to plan as that motivates me more. I hate list but maybe I need to make one and narrow down the things I really need to do. I'm a master at procrastination. Depression gets so old and I hate whining about how I'm in a slump.

I'm back

I know I finally feel like I have a little life in me if I feel like blogging. I have started to get more active again. I have been suffering from severe allergies and have done everything from washing them out to taking meds for them. The meds have left me feeling crappy and speedy but anti-social. I have done my best around the house even though I feel like I could of done more to keep things in order and I haven't. I have a big wreck of a house to clean up since the month of decline in mood and body. My back hurts today after unloading a hind of beef and some pork which together is about 175lbs. I'm set for meat until this fall and I'm very happy about it. I also planted a garden even though I have one more part of the garden to till up by hand and plant. The weather is still coldish to put in tomatoes or starter plants. I still have tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, eggplant to put in and some herbs by seed. I have put in sugar peas, snap peas, swiss chard, salad greens, green onions, and radishes.
I have finally sent a gift card for my mother's day present and hope it gets there faster than she has sent my birthday present. My birthday was last week and cards and presents still ha vent came even though people have asked me about them. I'm still sort of disappointed about not receiving them in a timely matter. Oh well it is the thought that counts even if I don't know what that thought is.
I got a golf membership not that long ago and have played a couple of times but haven't lately due to bugs and allergies. I tend to keep in the house during black fly season. I will soon when it isn't raining . I wish today it wouldn't rain because I feel real good for a change. I do look forward to the summer though.

Sick

I have been sick again with the seasonal allergies. I can hardly breath and it is getting old. My nasal passages are horrible and my lungs are like fire and very heavy to breath. I have asthma and spring tends to tear me up. My head throbs like an elephant is sitting on it. The thing is I love spring and it's changing into the greens ,yellows and purples around here. I love to play golf again and not be sick for days. I have had one allergy med and it isn't working anymore . Time for another one and maybe less symptoms. How I would love to just sleep with the window open or even dig my garden. I have been a mess now for about 2 weeks. I have been extremely tired and icky also. Time to do something different as I hate how things have been going and how I don't get out much at all or do much of anything at all .

Life

I haven't blogged in awhile and thought I would do a little update. Everything is going real well for the most part. I have been real busy with the yard and getting ready for summer. I felt better last week so even got a golf membership at the golf club. I also got a Big Green Egg . A Big Green Egg is a Grill, BBQ, Smoker and Bakes all in one. It is the most fantastic grill out there that is charcoal. I love it as it can grill so fast and maintain any temp. I seared some steaks the other day with it and they where excellent. I have mainly been outside in this wonderful weather we have been having. It is raining this week though . I have a ton to do in the house this week and don't look forward to getting it done. It is mostly cleaning and spring cleaning. I just loath cleaning most of the time. Even worse I need to declutter which just brings anxiety. I don't know what to do with J's junk and treasures. Most of the house is filled with J's junk as all my stuff is in storage from moving here permanently last year. I have to say it is nice not leaving in two different houses in two different countries . I dragged my stuff back for years and it has been nice to see the seasons change and make plans this year. It will be going on a year that I have lived here straight in June. Even in the previous years that I have lived here seasonal, I have done every season but not the spring season. Mainly, March till May and it is nice this year even though it is odd weather and warmer than it every has been in 63 years. I'm definitely going to enjoy it . I look forward to the warmer weather so I can put a garden in also. I have many things planned and look forward to writing more in my blog.