I have been busy with having some fun lately and feeling good. I haven't felt good in along time. My depression is lifting. I still have some fog of depression but generally, I have been feeling good. I don't know what to make of my happiness as I find happiness elusive and hard to hang on to. I feel if I'm happy, the other shoe is going to drop off. I'm learning to go with it though.
I have been pushing myself to find new ways of being happy. Happy for me has been to be active physically lately. I have been snowshoeing and cross country skiing. I especially love snowshoeing. I found I worked hard and had air in my lungs where I never have had cold air before. It felt real good to walk through the snow where most people sink if they try to walk in it. The weather has been so wonderful. It has been sunny and clear for the most part. Yesterday was more breezy and overcast so I was so happy when I didn't waste the wonderful days this past week. I have been gradually getting back to photography also. My pictures that I took weren't the most wonderful but not to bad considering it is very hard for someone that is learning to cross country ski to stand and click at the same time. I'm not very good on the skis. I have away to go. I'm still a little wobbly and cant stride and chew gum at the same time. One of the reasons I didn't fall my first time out was that I didn't want to screw up my cameras that I had strapped to me. My balance has always been not that great and worse on a pair of skinny skis. The thought of busting expensive cameras where enough to keep me up right. I ended up after about a half an hour taking them off and just hiking . I'm looking forward to skiing again next week when it is suppose to be nice again. Part of loving the skiing and snowshoeing is all the solitude and wonderful beauty of the landscape , I get to enjoy. They have a ski place that isn't that far from us but it is always so crowded. We have been going out to this place called Killbear. There is hardly no one there during the week and even when people are there it is so huge that you might not see many if any people at all. Nature at times is my only spirituality and I feel like I'm whole with my environment. I really can't put the feeling in words but it makes me happy and filled with marvel. It is sort of like a Emily Dickson poem where she speaks about the outdoors being her church.
I have neglected the house in the pursuit of my physical activity but I don't feel bad at all for neglecting it. Messes will always be here for me to clean. I will eventually get in the mood for the house but I'm taking the opportunity to do what I please and what I'm in the mood for. It works better that way for me as I find each to be a building step for me to get what I need to get done. By having fun I'm more likely to do what I need to do as I'm happy. I don't know how long my happiness and positively will last . But I will embrace any of it and try to build on the building blocks of being more functional.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Bringing In The New Year
The year turned into another year. I had a uneventful New Year Eve and went to bed probably around 10:30pm. My partner has a birthday on New Years Eve and I did celebrate that. We watched a good movie called The Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All.We also had a nice greek pizza. I also bought her some flowers. They are real nice and look like spring. I also got her two shirts. We celebrated in a low key fashion . I had a nice time watching a movie and eating pizza. I was expecting more movies in the mail but the mailbox wasn't plowed out like it was suppose to be and we didn't get any mail. I was very angry with the man that plows our driveway that he hasn't been keeping up with the mailbox area as it prevents us from getting our mail. I stewed about it awhile and just pushed it out of my mind so I wouldn't totally ruin my evening. My partner knows that she will have to deal with him or I will not shut up about it until it gets done. Or worse yet I will deal with it and I will end up having to do it myself as I will scare the man away. I have about had it with these locals. A good or bad job is the same price. I have been meaning to snow blow myself but I'm not going to work in the house and do all the jobs and do it outside also. When she takes over some of the house work , I will work outside and remove snow but until then she can pay someone to do the job she won't do.
New Years was totally a flop. I was so scattered and couldn't get motivated to make a New Years dinner. I was planning on some lamb chops, black-eye peas and squash. I try to have black eye peas every year for good luck. I can't find greens here or even a bag of black eye peas that aren't cooked. I found a can of them though and that will have to do. I was happy to even find a can of black-eye peas. I need to have my family to send me a care package of things I can't find here. Something , I did find which is good is a bags of chips that where called General Tao's , Greek, and Tandoori BBQ flavoured chips. All with resealable zip locks . Three bags of chips cost five dollars. It made the sting out of not getting a bag of black eye peas better. I did though find a bag of red beans. I was so delighted that I can finally make a pot of red beans and rice. I really miss my Cajun and Southern food. I'm thinking I might be able to find greens in Toronto. At this point I wouldn't even mind a can of greens even though they aren't as good. I would be very happy with any Sylvia product at this point.
My mood has been all over the place in the past week. My thoughts have also. It is very hard to blog as I have ideals all over the place and it is hard to keep on track. My mind feels like a pin ball flipping all over the place. I don't often take meds but I did yesterday and probably will the next couple of days to get the scattered thoughts in order. Just a push in the right direction. I have also neglected my diet lately so I'm going to have to make some life style changes also. A balanced life style is so important and mine has been off . I need to do some small changes such as diet , and get a little more active. I think when I get some of my thoughts in order it will be easier to get the life style under control. I feel so paralyzed when it comes to life at the moment . It doesn't help when everything is a fleeting thought. I lose direction and purpose. I think the reason I started getting off track was the meds I took for a sinus infection. It sent me sailing off course. I hate getting sick as it sends me to the clouds. I was finally getting back on track from the depression to be derailed. I'm getting back slowly though again. I found with me a lot of staying on course is just not giving up and always trying no matter how hard it is. I have to remind myself of that all the time not to give up and fight . I'm going to try to trudge today and give a good fight this year.
New Years was totally a flop. I was so scattered and couldn't get motivated to make a New Years dinner. I was planning on some lamb chops, black-eye peas and squash. I try to have black eye peas every year for good luck. I can't find greens here or even a bag of black eye peas that aren't cooked. I found a can of them though and that will have to do. I was happy to even find a can of black-eye peas. I need to have my family to send me a care package of things I can't find here. Something , I did find which is good is a bags of chips that where called General Tao's , Greek, and Tandoori BBQ flavoured chips. All with resealable zip locks . Three bags of chips cost five dollars. It made the sting out of not getting a bag of black eye peas better. I did though find a bag of red beans. I was so delighted that I can finally make a pot of red beans and rice. I really miss my Cajun and Southern food. I'm thinking I might be able to find greens in Toronto. At this point I wouldn't even mind a can of greens even though they aren't as good. I would be very happy with any Sylvia product at this point.
My mood has been all over the place in the past week. My thoughts have also. It is very hard to blog as I have ideals all over the place and it is hard to keep on track. My mind feels like a pin ball flipping all over the place. I don't often take meds but I did yesterday and probably will the next couple of days to get the scattered thoughts in order. Just a push in the right direction. I have also neglected my diet lately so I'm going to have to make some life style changes also. A balanced life style is so important and mine has been off . I need to do some small changes such as diet , and get a little more active. I think when I get some of my thoughts in order it will be easier to get the life style under control. I feel so paralyzed when it comes to life at the moment . It doesn't help when everything is a fleeting thought. I lose direction and purpose. I think the reason I started getting off track was the meds I took for a sinus infection. It sent me sailing off course. I hate getting sick as it sends me to the clouds. I was finally getting back on track from the depression to be derailed. I'm getting back slowly though again. I found with me a lot of staying on course is just not giving up and always trying no matter how hard it is. I have to remind myself of that all the time not to give up and fight . I'm going to try to trudge today and give a good fight this year.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Excess of The Hoilday Season
Christmas morning, I woke up with a sore throat and a swollen gland. I was a little took back as I wanted to enjoy the food. Being sick threw a wretch into my feasting. I ended up doing some more cooking but didn't eat much of it. I still have the fridge stuffed with food.
I really didn't think much of my gluttony till my father called on Boxing day to wish me a happy holiday and to see what I have been up to. When I told him about all the food he promptly reminded me of being a diabetic and the results of diabetes. He should know as he has had two heart-attacks related to being a diabetic. Also, his mother died of kidney failure as a result of not managing her diabetes over a life time. So, I was reminded food does kill you and not exercising does too. I didn't want to be reminded of excess and just wanted to eat and not in moderation either.
I open the fridge now and don't get so much delite now after speaking with him. I remind myself of moderation. I will be not eating the candy either as I don't want to spike my blood sugar and have tingling in my arms and feet , which I have totallied ignored this month.
As soon as I feel a little better, I will get back into managing my weigh and diet. I just feel better mentally and physically, when I watch what I eat and exercise. Diet is so important whether or not you have mental illness or physical illness. I don't want to suffer mood crashes or physical symptoms of excess. Back to being healthier. It is always a battle for me not to go over board with anything, in my life.
I really didn't think much of my gluttony till my father called on Boxing day to wish me a happy holiday and to see what I have been up to. When I told him about all the food he promptly reminded me of being a diabetic and the results of diabetes. He should know as he has had two heart-attacks related to being a diabetic. Also, his mother died of kidney failure as a result of not managing her diabetes over a life time. So, I was reminded food does kill you and not exercising does too. I didn't want to be reminded of excess and just wanted to eat and not in moderation either.
I open the fridge now and don't get so much delite now after speaking with him. I remind myself of moderation. I will be not eating the candy either as I don't want to spike my blood sugar and have tingling in my arms and feet , which I have totallied ignored this month.
As soon as I feel a little better, I will get back into managing my weigh and diet. I just feel better mentally and physically, when I watch what I eat and exercise. Diet is so important whether or not you have mental illness or physical illness. I don't want to suffer mood crashes or physical symptoms of excess. Back to being healthier. It is always a battle for me not to go over board with anything, in my life.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas
It is official Christmas day. It is much like any other day for me except that I cook more. I'm still not in the hoop la of the Holiday season. Neither did I put my shopping off till the last minute. I did put my grocery shopping off until the last minute but that is just me and had nothing to do with Christmas. It amazes me , when I see people still shopping for presents at the last minute. I find this time of year most stores are picked over. I can't imagine finding the perfect gift but more of an last minute gift of that will do. On the news , they showed mostly men doing last minute shopping. I guess men fit the stereo-type of not liking to shop and being disorganized. I have known a lot of men that like to shop and that are very organized.
I wondered if the real reason for last minute shopping is because people live from pay cheque to pay cheque. I also wondered if the grocery stores are busier because everything is closed until after Boxing Day . If you run out your just screwed and with that mentality people end up stocking up more. I don't know, I can only speak about myself. I made sure I was extra stocked up for the long holiday and possible bad weather. I know it got real bad over the holiday season last year and my partner has lived in this area for almost 36 years said that the weather gets real bad over the holiday season. The weather hasn't changed much yet and has been so sunny but cold. I love all the sun and the brightness against the snow. I still want more snow to cover up the ugliness of the plowing and slush that cars and people make. It looks like a winter wonderland out where I live, compared to what it looks like in town.
I have been preparing for the long holiday closures and being home bound. I started cooking yesterday. I made some pasta salad , potato salad, and ham. I sliced the ham up for sandwiches. The pasta salad looks very pretty with all the different colours of peppers and different veggies. I made a red potato salad which I found a homemade pickle relish to put in it. Very tasty and a balance between sweet and bitter. I'm making deviled eggs this morning. I don't like turkey very much so I'm cooking my partner a thigh as she likes dark meat. I'm going to make a roast today instead with the traditonal meal fair of Xmas. I also have all the condiments like pickles and peppers to go with it. Cheese platter of bleu cheese, cambert, and sharp. A very nice salami and pepperoni as I cant find summer sausage here . I also have buffalo wings, jalapeno poppers, spring- rolls , potsickers. I bought some smoked prosciutto to wrap around some asparagus to grill in the kitchen. I have enough food to feed probably 6-8 people and I'm just feeding two. We will be pigging out until the new year. Then , I'm going to watch what I eat for awhile and get back to the gym after being sedentary and watching movies. I plan on playing the Wii over this period also. It is perfect exercise without leaving the house and putting on a million clothes and heavy snow boots.
The only thing the holiday season has accomplished is putting me in a homey nesting mood with cooking and cleaning. I needed a big kick in the butt to get me back on track again. It also helped getting a very whimsical apron for Christmas. I love it. It has a tex-mex theme on it with peppers, Tabasco sauce, tacos and tequila on it. I love aprons and collect them. I like wearing them because I'm such a slob in the kitchen and end up wearing what I'm cooking if I don't wear one. I also got a itunes card. I was in heaven with it as I can blow through it in about 5-10 minutes. I actually got my fill with a hundred dollars worth of music. I could probably down load music all day if I could. I'm up to 13gb on my ipod now. I still have about 135 gbs to feel it up. I'm working at it. If I ever get my storage cleared out I have a lot of stuff to transfer to it. I just love music and it never gets old for me. I love every genre of music even though I'm not that wild with some country. I do like some of it. My ipod is very eclectic and a person could find about anything on it.
I also got a snuggie. It really isn't as cheesy as they advertise it as on the chimerical. The sleeve part does get in my way a little bit but generally the only time I wear it is watching tv and it does fine. I wouldn't use it to work on my computer as the sleeves sort of gets in the way and tends to be bulky for me. It is nice and warm and the plus for me is it is in leopard that tends to hide dog hair. Patterns are wonderful for pet hair. I was thinking stains also. I don't eat with it on so it isn't a problem. We also got the whole series of ab fab and I love it. Nothing like women with sharp tongues . I also like my cafe mug I received filled with biscotti. How can you go wrong with that. My final gift I recieved was money. I purchased two seasons of The jetsons with that. I love old cartoons. I also put my own money with it and ordered Saturday cartoons of the 60's. I can't wait to get them. I ended up buying my partner a Nintendo Ds as they have phased out gameboys for awhile. She loved it and the plus side she can use her gameboy games on it. I also got her games and a book. I combined her Christmas and birthday, since they are so close together. The book is called Pegahmagabow- Life-long Warrior. It is about a man that was a WW1 solider and an Indian Chief. I think she will enjoy it as she was excited to get it because she loves local history, Native North American culture, and anything about war history. It truly combines all of those elements together.
Most of all I'm thank-full to be in a better mood and not so depressed. Unlike, most people ,I'm blessed not to have all the stress most people have during the holiday season.
I wondered if the real reason for last minute shopping is because people live from pay cheque to pay cheque. I also wondered if the grocery stores are busier because everything is closed until after Boxing Day . If you run out your just screwed and with that mentality people end up stocking up more. I don't know, I can only speak about myself. I made sure I was extra stocked up for the long holiday and possible bad weather. I know it got real bad over the holiday season last year and my partner has lived in this area for almost 36 years said that the weather gets real bad over the holiday season. The weather hasn't changed much yet and has been so sunny but cold. I love all the sun and the brightness against the snow. I still want more snow to cover up the ugliness of the plowing and slush that cars and people make. It looks like a winter wonderland out where I live, compared to what it looks like in town.
I have been preparing for the long holiday closures and being home bound. I started cooking yesterday. I made some pasta salad , potato salad, and ham. I sliced the ham up for sandwiches. The pasta salad looks very pretty with all the different colours of peppers and different veggies. I made a red potato salad which I found a homemade pickle relish to put in it. Very tasty and a balance between sweet and bitter. I'm making deviled eggs this morning. I don't like turkey very much so I'm cooking my partner a thigh as she likes dark meat. I'm going to make a roast today instead with the traditonal meal fair of Xmas. I also have all the condiments like pickles and peppers to go with it. Cheese platter of bleu cheese, cambert, and sharp. A very nice salami and pepperoni as I cant find summer sausage here . I also have buffalo wings, jalapeno poppers, spring- rolls , potsickers. I bought some smoked prosciutto to wrap around some asparagus to grill in the kitchen. I have enough food to feed probably 6-8 people and I'm just feeding two. We will be pigging out until the new year. Then , I'm going to watch what I eat for awhile and get back to the gym after being sedentary and watching movies. I plan on playing the Wii over this period also. It is perfect exercise without leaving the house and putting on a million clothes and heavy snow boots.
The only thing the holiday season has accomplished is putting me in a homey nesting mood with cooking and cleaning. I needed a big kick in the butt to get me back on track again. It also helped getting a very whimsical apron for Christmas. I love it. It has a tex-mex theme on it with peppers, Tabasco sauce, tacos and tequila on it. I love aprons and collect them. I like wearing them because I'm such a slob in the kitchen and end up wearing what I'm cooking if I don't wear one. I also got a itunes card. I was in heaven with it as I can blow through it in about 5-10 minutes. I actually got my fill with a hundred dollars worth of music. I could probably down load music all day if I could. I'm up to 13gb on my ipod now. I still have about 135 gbs to feel it up. I'm working at it. If I ever get my storage cleared out I have a lot of stuff to transfer to it. I just love music and it never gets old for me. I love every genre of music even though I'm not that wild with some country. I do like some of it. My ipod is very eclectic and a person could find about anything on it.
I also got a snuggie. It really isn't as cheesy as they advertise it as on the chimerical. The sleeve part does get in my way a little bit but generally the only time I wear it is watching tv and it does fine. I wouldn't use it to work on my computer as the sleeves sort of gets in the way and tends to be bulky for me. It is nice and warm and the plus for me is it is in leopard that tends to hide dog hair. Patterns are wonderful for pet hair. I was thinking stains also. I don't eat with it on so it isn't a problem. We also got the whole series of ab fab and I love it. Nothing like women with sharp tongues . I also like my cafe mug I received filled with biscotti. How can you go wrong with that. My final gift I recieved was money. I purchased two seasons of The jetsons with that. I love old cartoons. I also put my own money with it and ordered Saturday cartoons of the 60's. I can't wait to get them. I ended up buying my partner a Nintendo Ds as they have phased out gameboys for awhile. She loved it and the plus side she can use her gameboy games on it. I also got her games and a book. I combined her Christmas and birthday, since they are so close together. The book is called Pegahmagabow- Life-long Warrior. It is about a man that was a WW1 solider and an Indian Chief. I think she will enjoy it as she was excited to get it because she loves local history, Native North American culture, and anything about war history. It truly combines all of those elements together.
Most of all I'm thank-full to be in a better mood and not so depressed. Unlike, most people ,I'm blessed not to have all the stress most people have during the holiday season.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Non-Hoilday Spirit- Call me Grinch
I finally completed all my Christmas shopping yesterday. I only had my partner left to shop for. I have been very good this holiday season with my money for the most part and haven't been as extravagant as some times I can be. I have been trying to not fall prey to the commerical greed this holiday promotes and a empty chequing account. I have asked myself many times does a person even remember what they got for Christmas, unless it is very special. Most people don't give very special gifts. They might think they are special but in reality most people forget about what they receive if it isn't a gift of time,home-made, hideous or sentimental. I have this motto to give all year long and just not on the magic day of Christmas. It really helps out my budget. I also have made limits to what I will give and not be quilted into giving, what I don't have. It is hard to stick by that because this whole season is about buying in society. Materialism is in full tilt after Thanksgiving. You can see signs of gluttony everywhere. Another pet peeve of mine is people that only give to charity during the holiday season. Like there is no poverty any other time of year and the food banks stock themselves the other months of the year. It almost gives the sense people aren't deserving any other time except the magical Christmas season.
I give 11 months out of the year and refuse to give during the Christmas season . I don't feel the need to say what a wonderful human I'm because I spread around the Christmas cheer by giving minimally once a year. Í give 11 months out of the year because that is what I feel I should do as a responsible member of society and community. You don't make society a better place by giving to the disadvantaged once a year.
I admit that I do indulge with food around the holidays. I'm a sucker for all the candy during the holiday season. I also like a nice Christmas dinner. Most of my fond memories of Christmas was never the gifts but the dinner shared by family. This year will be different as I have no family around to have a huge feast. I will be making a feast for two. It still will be nice snacking and eating and being with my loved one. Other than the Christmas feast that I had with my family , I don't miss any aspect of Christmas season. I can't wait till it passes and society gets back to normal. No more crappy tv specials, music, and pressure to shop. Back to dieting after getting fat as a hog. I can feel better mental health coming on with all the pressures and extra stressors going out the door the first of the year. Even though I don't buy into the whole season of greed , I do participate in some of it. I feel a little pressure not to be a what society labels as Scrooge or Gringe. I do my minimal to please other people and pretend I give a shit. I pretend to give a shit with not saying anything generally negative about Christmas. I just smile or avoided any conversation about Christmas. I'm not Christian and really have no use for Christmas. When I'm in the mood I will do the winter decorations but I'm not in the mood this year. I did put up a golfing Santa on the book case. I think that is the extent of the decorations this year. I really don't feel like putting up a tree that you have to take down. Or watching the cat destroy the ornaments.
I will put back my smiling face to the public and be myself behind closed doors and count the days until Christmas is over.
I give 11 months out of the year and refuse to give during the Christmas season . I don't feel the need to say what a wonderful human I'm because I spread around the Christmas cheer by giving minimally once a year. Í give 11 months out of the year because that is what I feel I should do as a responsible member of society and community. You don't make society a better place by giving to the disadvantaged once a year.
I admit that I do indulge with food around the holidays. I'm a sucker for all the candy during the holiday season. I also like a nice Christmas dinner. Most of my fond memories of Christmas was never the gifts but the dinner shared by family. This year will be different as I have no family around to have a huge feast. I will be making a feast for two. It still will be nice snacking and eating and being with my loved one. Other than the Christmas feast that I had with my family , I don't miss any aspect of Christmas season. I can't wait till it passes and society gets back to normal. No more crappy tv specials, music, and pressure to shop. Back to dieting after getting fat as a hog. I can feel better mental health coming on with all the pressures and extra stressors going out the door the first of the year. Even though I don't buy into the whole season of greed , I do participate in some of it. I feel a little pressure not to be a what society labels as Scrooge or Gringe. I do my minimal to please other people and pretend I give a shit. I pretend to give a shit with not saying anything generally negative about Christmas. I just smile or avoided any conversation about Christmas. I'm not Christian and really have no use for Christmas. When I'm in the mood I will do the winter decorations but I'm not in the mood this year. I did put up a golfing Santa on the book case. I think that is the extent of the decorations this year. I really don't feel like putting up a tree that you have to take down. Or watching the cat destroy the ornaments.
I will put back my smiling face to the public and be myself behind closed doors and count the days until Christmas is over.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Hoilday Season
The snow has been very abundant. In the past two weeks we have had between 75-100 cms dumped in a very short time. The weather has been sporadic and wild. I have tried to stay in and not go to town on the bad driving days . I have been very busy on the nicer days to get groceries and do the minimal Christmas thing. Finally, shipped off some final presents and wrapped up Christmas shopping. Except I have to figure out what to get my partner.
I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I could really care less about it but feel guilty for not buying into the whole holiday season spirit. I really hate Christmas music also. I can't wait till they stop playing it on the radio. I rarely listen to the radio anyway so it doesn't effect me much. I listen in the mornings for the weather report and to get a sense of what is going on in town. The town I live near is so small that you really don't get a sense of what is going on except for the local newspaper, which isn't much of a newspaper . It is better than nothing though. The radio station falls into that category also. It just plain sucks. I listen for the weather and what is going on in town. Other than that I listen to satellite radio and my ipod. I can't pick up except one station on the regular radio. The reception is so bad .
I'm excited about all the snow. This is my second time I have spent a winter here. I love the cold and the snow. I'm really a cold weather person and enjoy it more when it settles down and after the solstice when the days get a little longer. I think there is about 7-8 hours of sunlight at the moment. When it is blizzard after blizzard their isn''t much sunlight though. I really enjoy the colder days when it doesn't snow as much. It gets very bright.
I have been basically surving my depression since last month but it is getting more functional. I was so paralyzed up until the last week and a half. The sublingual b-12 has been helping. I also been taking a b-complex which also seems to be helping. I thought once it started to accumulate snow I would feel better and I was right. Everything looks so dead until it snows. It is so grey and depressing during the transition of winter. The snow makes everything so vibrant. I also have been eating more balanced meals, which I think is very important. I can really feel it when I eat like crap. I still don't feel like cooking very much but it is getting a little easier. I eat dinner at lunch because it is easier to make and I have more energy during that period of day. I eat lunch at dinner time because I have no energy in the evenings. It works for me. I have blew through my depression food reserves of things I froze when I don't feel like cooking. When I feel a little better I will get busy stocking up again. I have also started using heavy paper plates which I don't like. I have an objection with using disposable things. It is a waste and not good for the landfills. I'm just trying to survive at the moment and dirty dishes just don't get done if I have a ton of them. I will go back to my more conservative ways after I'm done with this mood. I do cringe at the short cuts I'm taking with easy things to cut corners with cooking and general everyday life. It isn't cost effective but it does the trick when your barely making it. I have let everything pile up again and I'm slowly digging out of the mess. The house is a mess , everything has tended to be put off and I'm trudging my way through it gradually. Generally, I can make myself do things depressed. I haven't been able this time up until lately. I have managed to seat in the same place for weeks in the corner of the couch watching endless non-sense on the tv. I knew I felt a little better the other day grabbing a newspaper from the stand. I actually read it and thought oh finally something worth filling my head with instead of crap. My moods make my taste different. Generally, I wouldn't be caught died watching all the reality tv, I have been watching. It doesn't require thinking and for that when I'm in a paralyzing depression it is good. I have began to think again a little. Now to get up the energy to do the things I love in the winter. Gradually, I will get there.
I have alot planned for this week also. I have alot of catching up to do . Truck serviced, hair cut, finalize my Xmas shopping with my last presents. Also , get the stuff to make a small Xmas dinner. I'm thinking more snack food instead of the all the traditional fare. I have been snacking on different candy though and need to stop as I don't want to gain weight. I also picked up the dogs some gravy coated bones for the Holiday season. It seems they sell a bunch of junk for humans and pets this time of year. Unlike my furry friends which I can control how much I give t hem, I can't control most of the time the amount of junk I eat. I will purge the house of all junk after the first of the year. I can't get into the Christmas spirit but I can get into the spirit of junk food like candy, cookies and appetizers.
I have to get to starting the day. Hopefully , I will start updating this blog more often.
I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I could really care less about it but feel guilty for not buying into the whole holiday season spirit. I really hate Christmas music also. I can't wait till they stop playing it on the radio. I rarely listen to the radio anyway so it doesn't effect me much. I listen in the mornings for the weather report and to get a sense of what is going on in town. The town I live near is so small that you really don't get a sense of what is going on except for the local newspaper, which isn't much of a newspaper . It is better than nothing though. The radio station falls into that category also. It just plain sucks. I listen for the weather and what is going on in town. Other than that I listen to satellite radio and my ipod. I can't pick up except one station on the regular radio. The reception is so bad .
I'm excited about all the snow. This is my second time I have spent a winter here. I love the cold and the snow. I'm really a cold weather person and enjoy it more when it settles down and after the solstice when the days get a little longer. I think there is about 7-8 hours of sunlight at the moment. When it is blizzard after blizzard their isn''t much sunlight though. I really enjoy the colder days when it doesn't snow as much. It gets very bright.
I have been basically surving my depression since last month but it is getting more functional. I was so paralyzed up until the last week and a half. The sublingual b-12 has been helping. I also been taking a b-complex which also seems to be helping. I thought once it started to accumulate snow I would feel better and I was right. Everything looks so dead until it snows. It is so grey and depressing during the transition of winter. The snow makes everything so vibrant. I also have been eating more balanced meals, which I think is very important. I can really feel it when I eat like crap. I still don't feel like cooking very much but it is getting a little easier. I eat dinner at lunch because it is easier to make and I have more energy during that period of day. I eat lunch at dinner time because I have no energy in the evenings. It works for me. I have blew through my depression food reserves of things I froze when I don't feel like cooking. When I feel a little better I will get busy stocking up again. I have also started using heavy paper plates which I don't like. I have an objection with using disposable things. It is a waste and not good for the landfills. I'm just trying to survive at the moment and dirty dishes just don't get done if I have a ton of them. I will go back to my more conservative ways after I'm done with this mood. I do cringe at the short cuts I'm taking with easy things to cut corners with cooking and general everyday life. It isn't cost effective but it does the trick when your barely making it. I have let everything pile up again and I'm slowly digging out of the mess. The house is a mess , everything has tended to be put off and I'm trudging my way through it gradually. Generally, I can make myself do things depressed. I haven't been able this time up until lately. I have managed to seat in the same place for weeks in the corner of the couch watching endless non-sense on the tv. I knew I felt a little better the other day grabbing a newspaper from the stand. I actually read it and thought oh finally something worth filling my head with instead of crap. My moods make my taste different. Generally, I wouldn't be caught died watching all the reality tv, I have been watching. It doesn't require thinking and for that when I'm in a paralyzing depression it is good. I have began to think again a little. Now to get up the energy to do the things I love in the winter. Gradually, I will get there.
I have alot planned for this week also. I have alot of catching up to do . Truck serviced, hair cut, finalize my Xmas shopping with my last presents. Also , get the stuff to make a small Xmas dinner. I'm thinking more snack food instead of the all the traditional fare. I have been snacking on different candy though and need to stop as I don't want to gain weight. I also picked up the dogs some gravy coated bones for the Holiday season. It seems they sell a bunch of junk for humans and pets this time of year. Unlike my furry friends which I can control how much I give t hem, I can't control most of the time the amount of junk I eat. I will purge the house of all junk after the first of the year. I can't get into the Christmas spirit but I can get into the spirit of junk food like candy, cookies and appetizers.
I have to get to starting the day. Hopefully , I will start updating this blog more often.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Winter is Has Began
I haven't written in awhile. I have been very depressed. My depression has been as dark as the days of winter. I haven't had much to say and really haven't done much except watch tons of tv. Which is not like me. Since the weather has changed into snow, I have felt better. The other day the snow began . It was a glorious 15cm (5.9 inches) Over night we where suppose to get any where between 15-25cm inches. It is starting to feel like winter. I really love the cold most of the time even though it isn't all that cold at the moment. It is around 30F most of the time during the day so far. I have started to start trudging through my depression a little at a time and trying to get in the spirit of Christmas. I wish this month would go by quickly. Maybe, at the last minute I will get into the Holiday spirit. I just feel it is a added burden that I just don't need in the scheme of life. Life at the moment is hard enough to get motivated with at the moment. I do look forward to this winter though. I have a lot of plans for it. Last winter was my first in Ontario and I loved it. I never knew I liked snow that much and the cold. I'm still learning how to walk on it without falling. I thought I mastered it last year and forgot. I also forgot how the sky can be so dark when snow is pouring out of the sky. I'm hoping to get some photography done this coming week. Everything has been a chore , even the fun things. I'm starting to gradually breathe life again. I'm still depressed but not as severe. The best thing though is I'm sleeping like a normal person again. I actually sleep 8-9 hours straight through a night . I no longer wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I'm gradually crawling out of my hole since the snow has started. I have also forgot how much I hate all the winter clothes though. All the layers,heavy jacket, heavy snow boots. I just hate shoes period. I'm not fond of much clothes either. I like my skin to breath. With it not being very cold I find myself with all different kinds of jackets. I never knew why my partner had so many jackets now I know why. This area has so many different temps. All varieties of cold. I would burn up in a down jacket right now. Next month I will probably need it. I also have three different boots I use in the winter. I have waterproof hiking boots when there isn't much snow. I have snowmobile boots, when it is dumping tons of snow and cold. I also have what I call town boots when everything is settled and I don't do anything else except shopping. It looks like we will be blowing out the driveway now. I can't believe how snow can accumulate so fast. I guess until Georgian bay freezes over there will be tons of snow. I hope it makes up time with dumping snow because last year at this time we had 100cm of snow already. I'm really looking forward to skiing this winter and winter photography. This year I'm getting some snow shoes so I can get out in the bush and take better pictures. Oh winter calls me this morning to get busy since I have been sitting on my butt for the last three weeks.
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