Ramblings of a Mad Woman

GRRRRRRRRRR

2012-01-18T07:01:00.003-05:00

It has been a wacky time since I have last posted. I feel like I have been in a black hole of some sort. The days have been dragging into crap day after day and have been a l ittle numbing. J still has her medical stuff going on. It has been horrible trying to find a right dose or medication to control J's blood pressure. We haven't went out much because I don't drive and J is so dizzy, tired and just feels real flu like. I have been out like once in 9 days and I'm getting cabin fever pretty bad. Plus, I just have a ton of stuff to do. I just shake my head at what to do since I live pretty far from town and can't get to it. I tell J it is totally unacceptable that the med makes J not be able to drive. J doesn't listen to me but the nurse. The nurse pisses me off because the med has not done much except make J lazier than J was before and very tired, dizzy etc. It also doesn't do much in controlling the blood pressure. It is all over the place and never stable. J is also suppose to go on a diet and lose a ton of weight. I see that is impossible if J can't get J's ass off the couch. I really don't have a weight problem like J. I have had to research diabetic diets and portions. Which I will stop doing because it is J's responsibility. I cook three times a day now and it isn't something I really like to do. Once a day is more my thing.(dinner) Fend for yourself the rest of the day kind of thing. I told J that J is responsible for the snacks that J is suppose to have. I really do have enough on my plate without J being a helpless zombie. I don't really know what to do about it. I really am getting frustrated by not being able to do what I need to do. (lack of transportation)

The biggest thing is J seems not to care. It was bad before all this about J's health came out but it really has got to the point J does literally nothing except seat on the couch all day and watch tv for hours. I'm about ready to explode on J. I'm also sick of babysitting a 60 year old. I have learned one thing the more I do the more shit gets dumped on me. Point is the fiances. I had that totally dumped on my lap this month. The other day I was asked what is the various accounts doing. I sort of looked at J like what are you talking about . J can check any of those anytime with the computer. I said I don't know why don't you look yourself. Then I was informed I thought you where handling the money. That was news to me. I guess J has jumped off a sinking ship . Are finances have been sort of a mess since all the remodeling. I get to figure out how to fix all this shit. Which I will with my creative budgeting. It is like pulling a rabbit out of my ass. I will make it work by really cutting something. What i don't know. I'm barely above water and treading water. We have a appointment which has been changed two times with a financial advisor at the bank. One time the bank. One time me. I just didn't feel like getting a lecture yesterday. Also, all the blah , blah ,blah you have money but you don't shit. It is frustrating when you have most of your money locked into something and will have to take a penalty but then get a lecture about how you going to pay this and this back and you say oh that locked in thing that is maturing and get another lecture you cant do that because it will still be a penalty. Also, the thing about can you think about how long you can possible live and will that money help you into your golden years bs. I have no idea how many years I'm going to live or J is going to live but I know quote planning on the wonderful golden years is speech is driving us nuts because we are in debt up to our eyeballs and are worth more money wise dead. Which we really don't care to give anyone our money when we die. We need it now to make life not so hectic and stressful.

On a better note I finally got my treadmill in at the store and just need it to be delivered. Someone will deliver it Friday or Saturday. I have a ton to clear out to give it a home. I have been procrastinating on that one and plan on working my butt off the next couple of days to make room for it. I really can't wait to run and walk on it. I really need a better stress release. It has been very cold her lately and finally has started snowing like it should. I will be toasty warm inside now. If i ever get the motivation to put the thing together. If I don't I will hire someone to do it so it doesn't sit in a box for months. I'm not a very handy person when it comes to putting things together. I'm basically two thumbs. I do better at electronics or anything else when it comes to the home. I rather lift that treadmill than put it together. I could have J to do it but J won't get off J's ass to do anything.

I need to learn how to detach real soon again because I'm pretty pissed off.

Crazy Time Of Month

2012-01-09T06:12:00.003-05:00

Lately, I have been dealing with life like a crazy lady. It has been so up and down and all over the place. Then I realized it is that time of month. I don't handle anything real well at all and if I have a lot of stress already before I start my period I become that mad insane crazy lady. It isn't normal PMS. It just made me feel good to realize where all that confusion, anxiety, insecurity and being neurotic came from out of the blue when I thought I was just feeling better.
It has been a tough week. J was hospitalized for high blood pressure. 239/129 or something like that. just remember the top number real well. The hospital didn't do shit. Really didn't stabilize it either. Hours went by and J came home with another pill in J's bag of pills. Still isn't stabilizing out either. I guess another trip up to ER is what J is going to have to do. J was informed also that her doctor is sick(dying) and won't be practicing anymore. Which is hard in a place where it is very hard to find a doc making stupid expensive ER visits more likely. J was also dx. Diabetic. I blame J's anti-psychotics for that one. J never was overweight in J's life. J is obese in the past 5 years and just keeps packing it on. Those things can be more toxic than what it cures. That is my opinion anyway. I know I used to take the same thing and had high cholesterol and high blood sugar etc. I don't take that poison anymore and I'm much more healthy physically. Once in awhile when I'm actually manic I will take some haldol. That is just to short leash my ass to society's norms. (not get locked up) When I took them everyday I had no metabolism. If I'm overweight now it is my fault but the thing is I can diet and take it off. I don't feel much like a zombie either. Each to their own though. I know it helps some people . Off my soap box about anti-psychotics. The thing about health is if you don't advocate your own health no one is going to. Tons of inadequate medicine out there. Especially, if your mentally ill or have that label. I don't have that label in Canada and get way better health care not having that label. I have never told anyone of my label in this country.J has the label and gets shit health care and not took very serious. Every since I don't tell people that label they treat me different and take care of my concerns. I get around this by having private health care. I'm not in the bureaucracy of the system. I'm tired of any system as they all have major flaws in them.

I managed to also smash and break my left index finger so typing is slow and hard. I was moving boxes to the truck and the dog tried to get out and shut my or should say slammed my finger in the door. Not to happy as I have a ton of stuff to do.

On a better note, I found another organic farm for food. I bought 7 different variety of sausages. Two roasting chickens and some chops ,eggs. Managed to get lost finding the farm but getting lost found another farm that sold lamb. I ordered a whole lamb and will probably get it in 3 weeks. 2 weeks it goes to butcher. I will be looking up a ton of recipes for lamb. Haven't cooked it much but really like it.

Well, off to do something productive maybe.

Blah Blah... Ramble

2012-01-01T04:36:00.002-05:00

I'm seating here in the early morning by myself. It is wonderful except , the satellite radio cutting up. I finally turned it off for the regular radio that gets one station. J can't hear the radio in the room I'm in so she sleeps without me being disruptive . I don't know what to call the room I'm in except it has a J's computer, thousands of books and crap loads of junk. It reminds me I'm going to have to get on the ball to figure out where to put J's drum set so I can make room for a treadmill. Very weird room indeed.

Yesterday, was J's 60Th birthday. J was in a horrible mood for most of the day. I asked why and never got an explanation except don't I understand moods . I do but I also know when in a mood their are things that actually bug you whether logical or not. I left it alone for the rest of the day . I eventually said I have tried everything to make a nice day for you and your being a bitch. I'm tired of it . Being surrounded by negativity all day just made me tired and a bit bitchy myself. I made a nice dinner and around this time j was coming around but I was by this time irritable. I made ribs, scalloped potatoes and zucchini. Nice but simple. We shot fireworks off around 6-7sh as it was pitch black and neither one of us was going to stay up till 12. We both had a laugh that it hurt our back to bend down and light all of them and it tired us out. We had a lot of left over fireworks from July 1st and July 4th. We sort of celebrate both countries holidays when it suits us or we are in the mood. We both weren't in the mood last year. We where still dealing with the death of my Father and Grandmother that happened the previous month days apart from each other. I do have to say time does help as I'm not as raw with the grief. It isn't as tremendous anymore and I do get a good laugh more often thinking about the two. I still get teary when I seen some things over the holidays such as the horrible x-mas specials . My father loved all x-mas specials . No matter how cornball or terribly made. Overall, I don't live in overwhelming grief anymore and really feel my life is back to normal as much is it ever can be. It probably helps a lot that during the time from June to current my mother calls almost everyday. Not for me but for her. By helping my mother with her grief it got me through mine. My mother is just starting to live her life again. She recently in the past month got an exchange student to live with her. it keeps her on her toes as the exchange student is a teen-ager. She also went to visit my brother out in Portland Oregon during the holidays. She never has visited him there. She isn't a big fan as she says it rains all the time and doesn't have much sunlight like the Midwest. My daughter also went with my mother to visit. I was a little jealous that they didn't come and visit me for two weeks. I got over it as they came and visited last year. I probably be tearing my hair out also as both of them stress me badly in person. I'm much better on the phone. I can always hang up and just go on about life after a phone call. Plus, I will probably see them this year anyway. I just have to laugh in a cynical way that when they went to visit my brother he was flat broke and has had my mother pick up everything. I shake my head as I could never invite someone to visit me and have them pick up the tab for everything. Also, being flat broke and wanting things that are pricey to cook and go out to eat. I really think the nerve of some people. My mother doesn't have to spend a dime when she visits .

I really don't know what point I'm trying to make. It just sort of rambles into many topics. I look forward to start the day. I will make some sort of turkey dinner with thighs and eat my black eye peas this year. I generally do but haven't in 2 years and I haven't had good luck those years I didn't eat them. I'm pretty sure I would of had bad years those years anyway:) I have a ton of organizing and cleaning to do. The house is still chaotic with plaster dust and boxes. I'm sorting through them but slowly since I have had the flu. I'm also slowly purging stuff. Did I ever mention I hate the color the bathroom is? I hate the colour. We picked a darker green and the green we got was a yellowish green. Or as we referee to it as baby shit green. It is a very hard green to match things up with. I did end up finding a shower curtain in this one horse town. I was surprised. We where just going to buy any shower curtain until we go to the city. The nearest bigger city is 90 miles away. I found a shower curtain that actually matches well as it has bamboo plants on it. Shocked me. I went with tooth brush holders and soap holders in a brushed nickle. As, all the fixtures are brushed nickle. Took me about 5 minutes to pick out. I was shocked about how simple it was and I didn't have to rack my brain to find what is hard to match. I still don't have a mirror or medicine cabinet in the bathroom. The contractor was suppose to put the old one back and it managed to end up in the dumpster. It is real hard to fix my hair. I blow dry it some and then slip into the bedroom to look in a smallish mirror that looks like a porthole on a ship to check if my hair is not sticking up all over the place. This week we will just get a mirror to hang in that place. My hair is so overgrown and needs cut so bad anyway. The lack of a mirror makes my hair look like a horror show. I have went months without a haircut since the last haircut was a butcher job. I still refuse to spend what I was spending on my hair so I suspect I will get another butcher job. I have been through so many hair dressers and even barbers in this town. I'm running out. Either I hate the way they cut my hair or I don't like their personality. I love the personality of the last person that butchered my hair but I just can't go through another butchering. I'm real picky/ neurotic about my hair in my own way. Basically , I like it real neat and soft. I also like it to only take a couple of minutes to fix. One time I shaved my head when I was going through a psychotic episode and discovered how much time I wasted on long hair and never have went back to long hair. I love wash and wear with a little blow drying now. Neither do I want to be bald. That was pretty terrible and I looked extremely odd at the time. I was just thankful it was wintrier so I could always wear a hat of some sort. Just thinking about how badly I was doing at the time makes me cringe. Knock on wood I haven't been to that state in years now. I always know no matter what I do I could end up there again someday as it comes out of the blue for me. I'm just in a safer place now and keep to myself so less likely to be thrown in the hospital which always made it worse for me. It also seems not being heavily medicated helps with not getting to that point also.

Again, rambling, I will end now and not subject you to more crap out of my brain.

Running into the New Year

2011-12-30T06:09:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here with my SAD lamp on. It works pretty well and pretty fast when I'm struggling with depression. I have to cut back the times on the lamp or it makes me hyper. I really don't need to be hyper. My energy levels have been so low since I have had the flu and other aggravations.

I'm slowly very slowly sorting out the house. I haven't done much as I have been sick. I have had a time of getting my new treadmill that I ordered back in October also. They lead me on for two months then said it was never going to be available. Took the money before shipping or anything else and told me I would have to wait 30 days to get it back. Well, this didn't sit well with me and nicely and assertive I told them they would give me something similar as to the one I ordered since at the time I ordered everything was on sale and now what I want or anything similar wasn't on sale. I was very angry. I looked at the bank account today and the money was back. I called Sears again made them give me a similar product for what I purchased the other one for. I'm happy now. It was driving me nuts when none of it was going right. I have always wanted a treadmill. I really would love to start walking and jogging no matter what the weather is and I think I will actually stick to it every day until it gets a little warmer to do it outdoors. I'm not a big fan of winter running. I also need the stress relief of walking or running when I'm consumed with anxiety. It works faster than a pill.

I'm really looking forward to next year and it can't get here fast enough. I really feel like it is going to be a better year as it is starting to look up already. The chaos of this house will be here for awhile but it now seems not so overwhelming for today. I'm hoping to get something done no matter how little it is.

Rambles of the past month

2011-12-28T06:30:00.003-05:00

Life is getting back to some sort of normal for me. It has been a long month with many changes. I haven't really felt like blogging. Why I really don't know. We have had our bathroom gutted and a lot of kitchen torn out also. It was suppose to take a week and ended up taking 17 days. 15 of those days we had to live in a shitty motel room. We managed to encounter many problems that we didn't know that existed with this house and ran way over budget fixing things like electrical and serious plumbing. It was like one of those nightmare remodel shows that they show you what someone else tried to screw you on and encounter big problems trying to fix it. Anyway, I managed to get real depressed during this time with mounds of anxiety. I think part of the reason was eating a horrible diet full of processed fast food and frozen or canned crap at the motel. At the end I found a electric skillet and a mini crock pot and ended up fixing way healthier options and could feel the difference in energy and over all feeling a little better.

It still wasn't home and we had to walk and take out two very unruly dogs and hope we didn't let the cat who was pissed off out the motel room door also in every kind of weather you can think of. One day snow storms next day sleet, then after that tons of rain. Not a very happy camper when I was suppose to smoke out side with this shit also. After a couple of days probably four I had it . I was a raging bitch for my nicotine. I broke down and started to smoke in the comforts of the room. I probably would of thought different if it was a decent place with decent people owning it. We didn't get our room cleaned in the 15 days we where there. I ended up cleaning it better than when we rented it. That dive was the cheapest in the area to rent at about 70 a day with animals which ended up costing about a thousand for 15 days. The place truly was out of the twilight zone and the people where super weird. It made me feel pretty damn sane. That is really something when a lot of people consider me eccentric and a little off

The old dog seemed to like it and loves the cold weather now. Seems to have went into a sort of remission. I'm very confused why he is still alive and doing OK for now. That can turn tomorrow. I'm just thankful he made it through x-mas and probably to the new year. It buys a little time which I need. Life has been seriously chaotic and I don't need that right now. Still having to wake up in the middle of the night to let him out. J has done it the majority of a year now taking him out in the middle of the night. Not to bad if you can just send him out and go back to sleep when he is done. But a real pain having to put on all your winter clothes and boots chain him and walk around for 10 minutes so he can find the perfect spot. He is real picky about his bathroom habits and makes you want to rage at the poor animal when your freezing your ass off in the pitch dark.
He knows when we get at the end of our ropes with him and then hurried up. Thank god we are home now and it is as easy as just opening up the door for him so he can take his sweet loving time.

My shoulders and back acted up pretty badly from all the moving I was doing getting everything out of the kitchen and bathroom and just general stuff I purged from the house since we had a huge dumpster. Ended up firing my old massage therapist because she basically worked when she wanted to and was just a serious flake. Ended up with a better assessment of my shoulder and back. It seems which I knew a little already was my accident that broke a collar bone was acting up. The scar tissue seems to be pulling everything to my right side making my left shoulder hurt. Some how my back muscles are twisted also. Never really figured out what I do to cause that but it hurts. I wasn't able to lift my arms over my head. I had two massages and it seems to release probably the rotar cuff and what ever tight muscle. She was talking muscles and everything else showing it to me on a chart and it was all Greek to me. But I really did appreciate trying to explain things to me and taking me more serious and just not taking my money and doing a half ass job. She was a real positive person and it really made a difference getting the massage also and not having to listen to negative politics that I don't agree with like the other one did. I like relaxing and not talking. It showed me how my needs where not being took into consideration by the other one. It is hard for me to be objective about dysfunctional people or even see I'm around them because I tolerate a lot of stuff from people. It wasn't until I got angry I changed. Have wanted to for along time and even stopped going to massage. I also thought it was wonderful she suggested basic yoga to stretch all the muscles that hurt me as away of helping and managing the muscle pain. Also showed me stretches for the shoulders that hurt but it hurts worse not to do them. I'm sure exercise will help with my mood as it always has in the past. I was way more active this summer and seen how inactive I have became already this winter. I will have to change that to survive winter this year.

I have been so sick over the holidays with some sort of flu. I'm pretty sure being ran down and handing a lot of stress it was probably pretty easy to pick up something. I have been just sleeping and eating healthy to make it go away. Some good all in one flu pills help mask the symptoms some. I'm feeling a lot better but still probably have a couple of days to get back to normal. I look forward to this new year and putting the old one behind. I hope to be updating more .

A blessed ride

2011-11-27T07:45:00.004-05:00

I thought I would share something than my usual ramblings. Something that was touching and interesting to me. Yesterday, we had to go to town for the usual get our smokes from the rez at the island and pick out items for our remodel , some shopping and pick up our laundry from the laundry service. Yes, I'm lazy and send my laundry out instead of doing it myself at the laundry mat. Anyway,....

After having an unhealthy lunch at the Dairy Queen we where headed out to the island to buy smokes. They are a lot cheaper than buying them in town. We buy them on a reservation. Which we simply say The Rez. We have four in the area we live. This one is on an island and closet to town. For those that don't live in North America an Indian Reserve is where the government rounded up Native people and allotted them land after they took away their land. It is pretty nasty business. Not all reserves are poor but the majority of them are very poor and have many social ills rooted into western society. The reserve when entering it yesterday would be considered a more wealthy reserve. Appearances can be deceiving also. It is home to the Anishinaabe which consist of three tribes. ( Ojibwe, Odawa, and Potawatomi). So, that is a little background in a very simplistic way.

Back t o the story. We where driving along our route out to the island. When this older women who looked elderly was hitch hiking. At first we pasted her debating whether or not to pick up a hitchhiker. I also observed this woman was probably drunk. Swaying to one side and could hardly keep her balance. We had the truck full in the back seat. We talked not to much between us before J swung the truck around and I lowered the window to offer the woman a ride. I said if you can squeeze yourself back there your more than welcome to get in. I tried to move some stuff over but it was a tight fit among 4 loads of clothes and other junk I haven't removed like cherry logs that I haven't split up into chunks yet for smoking meat. It also had dog beds and dog blanket. Very scary to me to ever have to sit back in that mess. She managed to climb into the horrible mess . I would of gave her the front seat but the floor where I sit hasn't been cleaned in awhile and was full of cans and coffee cups etc. No leg room .Harder for a drunk person not to kick out all the debris.I don't litter so have just a ton of trash there till I get to the dump. So it wasn't much better because the truck needs a serious cleaning it is so messy at the moment. I also store many things out in the truck . That is a blog into its self as that thing is a rolling storage. She was very happy to get in. She asked before she got in if we where going over to the island. We said yes. She really didn't talk much. We where seating in silence for most of the 10 minute ride over to the Island. The fumes she filled the truck up was something. It smelled like a brewery. All blew at the back of my head. It filled the cab up quickly. When we got over to the Island she asked us where we where going. We told her and then promptly ask her if we could drop her off at her own home. As, the island is pretty big place.

I tried to put myself in her shoes and so did J. We would never in a million years want or walk that far just to the Island in it's self as it is a fair distance to town. Much less have to navigate in such a drunken state to get home on a fair size island. We insisted no matter how far it wasn't a problem. Which in our boring lives we are simply not very busy people in the over all scheme of things. The woman started to talk a little in a real low voice. We where remarking how pretty the bay was. She told us the name of it in that area. She was also telling us little tid bits of life. She was telling J the directions to her house. J was driving and noticed she has been in that area before going to another friends house that lives out in that area. I guess that is when the woman over heard that remark and became more friendly. J knew a little about her family because J used to work with a relative of the woman's. J also knew a little of her families history. That is when she told us the reason why she lived in that area on the island. Her grandfather secured the land around the little area and road to house the family because many people discriminated against them as they also had white blood in them. I really don't know her story of being discriminated against. It just intrigued me as I have faced a lot of discrimination in the past and probably not as horrifically as this woman has. Being discriminated in her own community because she can't help her birth or in town where she would be discriminated against simply having Indian in her and living where she does. The woman can't simply win. It mad me feel sad. It made me sad that she was probably an alcoholic also. She was so drunk at 2 in the afternoon. So it probably is safe to say she probably is an alcoholic. Sad, because she also looked poor by her cheap attire. Sad, that alcohlism many times conflicts against spirituality and values in her community. Sad because she probably has many demons she is fighting. Also, sad that most of society just sees a drunk poor Indian woman on the side of the road and doesn't give a damn. They say it is a choice to behave in such away. All the mean things they say against the native communities isn't fair either. Most white people around here really are very judgemental when it comes to the Native community. Words that are very nasty and vile get thrown around a lot about the native people. It is because they never have and never will try to understand the native community and think they have the same opportunities as white people. They have some but really have to fight to achieve the same thing. No one really wants to understand the circle of poverty either. Everyone just wants to say pull yourself up by your boot straps. Well that is nice but not everyone can . It gets a little more complex with the native communities also. It would be like telling a mentally ill person to just get it together. As anyone that is mentally ill knows it just isn't that simple.

Off my soap box. I just really felt for this woman. All , we could do for her is give her some respect and give her a ride. I felt like she gave us more as it felt good to give her a ride and made me less pity my loathing self and in my head scream about my injustices in my head.

Another Mixed Day

2011-11-06T06:32:00.006-05:00

Grr. I can't get this to edit or spell check. I guess I will edit it and spell check it later.

I really didn't want to blog but it has been awhile. The reason why I didn't want to blog is I feel like I sound like a broken record and I much don't have anything much to say. I'm trudging along in my mixed mood. It isn't all bad as I don't have that paralyzed feeling I often get being mixed where I don't do anything except watch TV and play on the computer. I don't have much drive though and when I make myself do something I often have hyper focus. Or I'm just totally scattered not knowing what direction I should take during the day. My routine is so off at the moment. I do try though if I can remember what to do. I used to have everything wrote down for occasions like this how I do each task and didn't have to think about how to get through a task. When I get back out of this mood I shall write down my lack of routine or routine on how I do things around the house and what I need to do. Things, I need to keep up etc. Many things get forgot during this period of time. Many things lack attention to detail also. I guess it is my lack of concentration. I'm generally not like this.

I'm still waiting on word about how much it is going to cost us to remodel. The guy said he would get back to us next week well it is next week and a little past. It has been about 8-9 days if I remember right. It pisses me off as I have to plan everything to the money. Money and lack of money for this is a big stressor for me at the moment.

Another stressor is my dog is failing and I'm going to have to put him to sleep. I don't know when as when I was thinking and writing an e-mail to a friend I thought maybe this week by describing his condition. Well, Mr. Brett, surprised me yesterday and had a very good day and managed to wake us only twice . Once in the middle of the night and morning when I generally wake up. Damn, this dog isn't going to make it easy. Most days though he has been not himself and his bad days are starting to really catch up with him. I will play it by ear. I do think he can't possible make it till next month and it would be something if he could make it without suffering. That is wishful thinking though and I will deal with this and not fall apart. I have had this dear dog for almost 12 years. He has been to hell and back with me. Thick and thin. He is also my dear friend and has travelled with me over the years. He has travelled more than most people have. Basically, he is my loyal companion that never has judge me in the almost 12 years I have had him during my illness. That says a lot as many people have left my life in this time period because they didn't want to be around me anymore. Some have left because they are deceased. His life span has brought much change in my life and not all for the better. Most of all I will miss my running buddy. As, a Brittany he really loved to run and would work me out and as a younger dog run me or drag me and give me the exercise I needed twice a day at one time.
He will be missed and I have wonderful and not so wonderful memories of him. He was not the best behaved dog and a hand-full most of his life. He makes me shake my head. He has grown to be a fine dog though.

I don't know what I will do today. Probably some cleaning around the house. I never lack anything to do around the house. I also have a new spin bike that I need to make room for. I need to get J to put that thing together. I need to stay busy and get what I can get done. I'm always afraid the other shoe will drop and I will be in a dark deep funk. I always try to prepare for my funks but most of the time fail to prepare the best. I just can't allow myself to go there again. I will do anything not to get to that point.

Good Stress VS Bad Stress

2011-10-30T04:01:00.003-04:00

It is early morning.(4ish) I have been up since about 1am. I went to bed very early yesterday about 6. it was so perfect going to bed so early. I have been extremely tired and stressed out this past week. I pretty much said I had enough stress yesterday and said I would give myself two very lazy anything goes days . No structure , no schedule, no nothing except what I want to do. It is perfect. I have had so much anxiety and nervous energy it was making me very scattered. The stress started to make me have a ton of nausea.

Some of the stress has been good stress but none the less stress. Had the contractor come out for the estimate for the remodel of the bathroom and kitchen. Will hear back with a detailed estimate, time frame , plan of action, etc. A ton of work there. It makes me nervous about the prospect about the cost. Thousands of dollars and I want it right and I have to pick out what I want. I tend to second guess my self. I want it perfect as I will probably live with the results for the rest of my life. Then part of me really doesn't give a crap as long as it is fixed and clean looking. It doesn't have to be fancy but functioning. It is so not functioning at the moment because everything is busted and falling apart in bad shape. So anything is better attitude. I really don't want trendy either. As, I have trendy early 70's which is hideous in the kitchen. Oh it is an eyesore. Plain you can always work with and doesn't go out of style. I like many things with a classic look and will probably try to build on that.

Been working on the decluttering. J has actually removed a whole wardrobe of clothes to give me closet space. The shaming did work even though I feel awful about it. But like one friend who knows about the situation said J deserved it and a long time coming. The whole fixing everything in the house has sparked a fire under J and it really is wonderful. The negative in me wonders how long it will last though. The whole clearing and cleaning is a ton of hard work and stressful to be honest. I still have a ton to do. Even embarrassed my self letting the cable guy and the contractor in with two big piles I was working on in the living room. It seems to organize and clear you can make a bigger mess. I'm hopeful that things will have a place.

Made the decision also to buy home gym equipment. Made me gag how much sturdy commerical grade gym equipment cost. Bought a treadmill and a spin bike. Now to clear room for it. Major purchases give me the sweats . I look at it as saving money as the gym membership here is 65 bucks a month. The gym has worn out equipment and is very over priced. I'm also more likely to work out in the morning before a gym is even open. I can work out in my pjs. Also, not likely to walk or run in the winter here as it is real damn cold and has very snowy periods and snow squalls from the lake effect. Not my cup of tea. I will more get outside when winter settles and make an effort this year to do more winter sports I love.

I also went to the eye doctor this week. Looking at my eyes and having a scan of my eye revealed a blood clot in the blood vessel in my eye. I don't know what to make of it. He was real vague. Kept asking if I was diabetic. Not that I know of. I have been stuck and jabbed most of the year. I think I would know if I was. Who knows but with that he is contacting my doctor to do more test and treatment and will learn more this coming month. Oh and wants an ultra sound of my neck to see if i have any obstruction to prevent blood flow to my left eye. I really don't know how I feel about this. Still, many unanswered things with this new news. I don't like it I can tell you that.

Sometimes, it feels like one thing after another. I can handle it though. I was just getting used not to have to be a professional patient and all the various test etc. It was a relief when I had many test over this year to restart it again. Oh well. I do have some nice glasses again and see a lot better. I have put a ton of effort and money into taking care of myself this year. Something , I promised myself around New Years. I feel much better doing it also. It hasn't been perfect as I have had times where I haven't this year but over all it is coming a long. Even had a tune-up massage and boy I can feel the difference when I do that. The money thing of taking care of myself bothers me a little though. It is expensive to really take care of yourself. I keep telling myself I'm worth it though.

Enough rambling , babbling and time to close. I can feel another lazy day today. I love those days. Enough time to distress to start another week.

Sunday Stealing

2011-10-24T09:25:00.004-04:00

I stole this here http://sundaystealing.blogspot.com/2011/10/questions-galore-meme-part-3.html. and here : http://www.diamondsandthediva.com The rules to use it are at this link.

41. What is a quote that you love? Really I love many quotes and have many books on quotes. I'm indecisive at the moment on quotes.

42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created? I think it is part of most humans and innate

43. When was the last time you wanted to scream? This last week I have wanted to scream a lot.

44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white? I see the world as grey

45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive?Yes, don't take them out to eat and annoy me with your conversation. Why the hell do some people shout on their phones? Don't take your phone also to a place where their should be silence and interrupt everyone.

46. In your life, where do you thank the rainbow will end? In bed

47. What is something that you never want to do again? So many mistakes that I never want to repeat again.

48.When was the first time you realized the world was small? Back in the early 90's on the Internet. Many many people with the same problems and interest all over the world.

49. How you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries? Haven't in years it drives me nuts

50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people? I used to . Not anymore, most peoples political beliefs aren't up for discussion. People live in a political fiery landscape. I might not agree with peoples leanings but I can respect them. Each to their own.

51. Do you care about the environment?Yes I really do even though sometimes I'm not environmentally friendly. I feel guilty then when I can do better but don't out of convince.

52. What’s your motto for life? Be respectful of people and how they live. It isn't up to me to be judgemental. We all have choices.

53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? No

54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? I don't know

55. Would you like to rule a country?Hell No. I have a hard time ruling my own home.

56. Do you believe everything has a purpose? No but we can learn from things.

57. Is war ever for the best? Not in my opinion. Most war is over religion and resources

58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones? Yes

59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don't believe global warming is really our fault? I think Rick Perry is a pandering political idiot. You can only pollute so much . I think it has been happening since the dawn of people polluting though. Thinking man is superior over the environment.

60. Does love conquer all? No

61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable? I don't want to make other peoples choices.

62. Is world peace impossible? Yes

63. Is pride a good or a bad thing?Good and Bad

64.What do you think is the purpose of your life? Still trying to figure it out. Maybe I serve as a bad example of what not to do.

5. Do you believe in karma? No, Many bad people never get what they put out.

Very Irritated-Venting

2011-10-23T09:20:00.003-04:00

I'm not very irritated or even angry at the moment but was yesterday. I guess I will have to say what is irritating me. It is J. I should back up and tell you the story. Yesterday, I had to clean the camper out to store for the winter. I have been keeping the majority of my clothes in the camper because I have no room in this house full of J's junk. If you would ask J it wouldn't be junk. I have tried to get J to make room for me over the years but to not much avail. It has been one excuse after another. Everything is precious to J and has a memory associtated with it. I can understand that but what I don't understand is allowing your junk to own you and make you miserable and not making way for a new chapter of your life. I have been coming to our house which was J's at one time for going almost on 10 years. Lived here going on 4 years. It is time to make room for me.
Yesterday, I snapped and posted and tagged J on my personal facebook with the problem of not getting rid of the stuff and making room for me. I guess I was trying to shame J into action. J doesn't care what I think. But J certainly does care what other people think. I have been hearing an ear full since I have done that. But guess what. J cleared out a ton in a wardrobe that I can fit some of my clothes in. Also, J is an artist and I took J's studio and put all my shit in there. You can't even walk in it now until I get room to put my stuff:) I tried the nice way for years to get J to do something with all this disaster in this house to the point I just for the most part accepted that I wasn't ever going to have the house the way I wanted or have any room for my stuff. I can't really stand clutter. I really can't stand a messy house. Our house is messy because of all the stuff in this house. You can't put things away if you are buried in stuff. It makes it harder to clean with a house full of junk. I have managed over the years to get the paper clutter and old magazines out of the house. Broken stuff out of the house etc. Duplicates of many things, manic purchases but not down to the core. It doesn't look like a hoarders house but is still to full of clutter for my taste. I'm not even talking about 5 thousand books that J owns. I will accept that as they are all in a bookcase stored properly but never vacuumed. J has read all those books also. I pick and choice my battles and the books aren't a part of my battle at the moment. When i lived in the states I got rid of all books and found homes for them after I read them except reference books.
In the states, I didn't have clutter. That doesn't mean I never had clutter but I got rid of it and would do a purge every 3 -6 months of stuff that wasn't needed. People really don't need many things and it is also more economical not to stuff your home with junk and trinkets etc. It is easier to clean. Plus in today's world you can almost store everything electronically pictures, music, books, paper work, keepsakes etc.
Being bipolar for me I have to keep the chaos at a minimal. I can't have my home full of chaos and have it hard to clean. This house has about drove me insane for several years. I'm not going back and forth any more. I used to only be able to take 3 months at a time here before I would want to go back to the states to my home. I really miss an ordially environment. Where everything had a place and I don't have to look half a day for something. Or it take me a day to dust. I have bad allergies and this mess doesn't help it. It would also be cheaper because living here I take sinus meds every day.
I'm ready for a battle this fall to get rid of some of this crap. Every time I really go to battle with J I do get some of the crap out of the house. I just cant stand battling for my space it is horrible to get J started. I end up not being to battle that much either before J wears me down with mood and attitude. It is like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. But a 2 year old doesn't get psychotic. Also, I found you can put your foot down more with a 2 year old and reason with them.
It changes in little bits I tell myself. J isn't even happy with how the house is and is depressed most of the time because J's stuff has took over . It looks like a bachelor pad in this house. Has looked like this for 30 years at this house. It is amazing though what a little public shaming will do to get someone off there ass. A couple years ago I took pictures of the junk and junk piles and sent them to my mother. My parents who are total neat freaks had about a stroke. Well, I told J I sent those pictures and if I was to send a after pics I would need some of the clutter gone. That worked with all the old magazines stacked every where. The thing is our home is small and if we had a bigger home it wouldn't be so bad. We have very limited space and you can't collect everything. I even bought a VCR / DVD copier so I could get rid of all the vcr movies also. Well, I still cant get rid of the vcr movies because J likes the boxes they are in. I managed a lot of them in a storage tub under the table. I still would love to get t he major rack out of here.
I'm just rambling. I mainly feel hostage to the clutter in this house. I still have a storage container with my stuff in it. Will, I ever see my stuff. Probably not. I got rid of the majority of my stuff when I moved but still have a storage container full. Will I probably get rid of most of it. I probably will. I'm just not all that attached to things. I only like things that enhance my life.Things don't matter as much to me after a house fire and not being able to have my things for years living here.
I will get off here and probably have to deal with attitude all day today and passive aggressive behaviour for the next couple of days. It is funny when you push change people fight back and they know your buttons to stop it. I really don't have much to loose pushing for change as my relationship has been rocky for awhile. I care and don't care. I'm tired of this shit. It is really getting to the point I just have really have had it and the clutter in the relationship is just actually a margin of the problem.

Busy

2011-10-22T08:28:00.003-04:00

I have been very busy for the past two weeks. We made the trip to see the elderly in-laws and that was like usual a hot mess. I just want to ring my hands and pretty much have gave up any hope they will go to a home on their own or except any help. I have a suspicion they have cancelled all the help we arraigned for them in June. I do know one thing they bring out the worst in me and most of the time I bury it deep inside me when I'm there. People with senile dementia aren't the most pleasant people to be around and add that to their already deplorable personality and it isn't a pretty mix. I pretty much don't say a world and let them talk and talk about the same ole shit over and over again.
One might ask why I do this. I do this for J and that's it. Poor J is still effected by this visit. It will take J probably a week or more not to be so depressed and feel so powerless. J can't do a damn thing because J doesn't have power of attorney. J's brother does and isn't doing a thing. Even though it would be easy since J's father neglects J's mother. J's mother hasn't had a bath in a bathtub in a year. J's mother is also a fall risk. H J's mother about fell when we where there and both me and J had to help her not fall and put her in the car. J's father can barely walk and only with a walker. It is very sad indeed. He hardly can take care of himself much less someone that has been dx. with Alzheimer's. His screws are getting a little lose also. You can see he displays less cognitive reasoning and logic and is getting senile dementia.

The whole thing is a huge dysfunctional mess. I'm learning how to detach . Anyway, life is getting back to normal. Many things still have to be done before winter. I'm dealing with my mood as it gets messed up around this time. SAD lamp everyday now since it has been dark and gloomy and raining. It does work well. I just have to be careful not to get manic.

Tossed Salad

2011-10-12T08:19:00.003-04:00

I want to blog today but don't know how successful I can pull it off with my head so fragmented. My brain is like word soup or word salad. I have many thoughts but just bits and pieces of thoughts from the last week. Trying to put together one thought aka one topic is extremely difficult. So, I guess I will talk about my jumbled brain where the words and thoughts flow like Niagara Falls in a steady gush.
I guess thinking fast or rapidly is a symptom of either hypo-mania, mania or mixed. I would say I'm mixed. Half depressed and half manic. What that means to me is I go in circles like I'm on a carousel that won't stop. I don't get much done as I have no energy but my mind has a ton of energy going fast and not being able to hardly concentrate. It hurts just to write this.

I took what I call my brain glue today to get those fragmented pieces together so I can resume life. As, much as I hate taking Haldol at times I do reserve it for times like this. In a few days my brain will be back together again. I could gradually feel myself slipping into the abyss of mixed moods. Gradually, doing less and less because my brain just can't process it. Either my brain has a crash like a frozen computer locking up or it about short circuits from overload. It is a real pain in the ass but I have been dealing with for years. It is just frustrating when you just want to get simple things done. Or it makes me feel like a big idiot because words that usually come so easy to me to express myself isn't there. It makes me live in my little world in my head. It makes me stay at home because as soon as I get to town I forget why I'm there. I try to make a list but it is so hard to think about what I'm suppose to do and the steps I need to do something. I often think backwards. Never really thought about why my brain processes backwards at times but it does. Maybe, because I'm dyslexic. Probably not, I don't think that is a symptom. I really don't care why I do it but it usually process backwards when I'm in a mood. It really makes it difficult to do many things . They seem to have a label for everything these days. Labels don't change any facts or the symptoms of anything. My brain just isn't processing correctly at the moment and it will stop acting up soon enough. Just not soon enough for me. I go through this hell every year at the same time anyway. The seasons change and so does my brain.

Smile

2011-10-05T09:39:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking about blogging for at least the last 2 1/2 hours. I have had many . distractions. My morning has been very disorganized. I didn't even want to get up early this morning but the dog decided he wanted to eat and whined , winged , cryed until he got my attention. I was very irritated with him as it wasn't time. Once woke I have a hard time getting back to sleep.

Half asleep and irritated I put on coffee and was topping off my nictone levels. I started to do my check facebook and blogger rountine I have every morning. I found a blog I read and it was refreshing to see something postive in the blogshephere of someone doing good. It made me want to start my morning and not be grouchy. It is something how postivey can be contagious.

One other example happened last week when J and I vistied a friend of J's that more than likely has terminal cancer. J's friend I will call S. S is so postive about her illness. S has been fighting recurrent and different cancers of the colon, liver and now lung for probaly the last 5 years . S has never been a smoker, drinker and has always took care of herself. Pretty much has lived a real healthy life. S is now recieving very intensive chemo at the moment. When we visited S had a little break from chemo because her blood count was low and has to take breaks from chemo. We arrive and was greeted. Served coffee and had a very nice visit with cake and everything. This is from a woman that doesn't even let cancer get her down but I can hardle make myself cook when I'm depressed or sick. When talking with S she will tell you she has a choice of how to handle her cancer and her life. She can be postive or negative. Telling you negative is so self defeating. She isn't Mary Poppins either with telling you she has bad days but accepts them and doesn't let them get her down. If she has to be in bed all day she trys to enjoy tv or the warmth and comfort of the bed. She doesn't beat herself up about what she isn't doing. S is a very social person and doesn't isolate either. It is a shame people that used to drop by don't drop by as often and I have seen when you get a dx. of anything people just don't know what to say to you and are often afraid of saying the wrong thing.

With S being so open as a person. It is very easy to be around S. S is an open book with her friends and you can't say the wrong thing. I found myself being not as guarded around S as I'm with most people. I was very comfortable and open myself and recieptive. Being around a postive person made me feel from so so to great. It made me forget many of my bitches of the day. It also made me think about how bad I isolate I think I can count on one or two hands how many people I have spoke to in the past year and a half. Most of those people would be service related people(hair dresser or massage) Had two people over to the house in the past year and haven't been to anyones house except in-laws and that is every 3-4 months. As, you see I isolate. This experiance makes me want to try harder with being more social. Also, not to use the excuse I stay in-touch with people via the computer or phone. Real face to face contact is what is needed with people. Having nice laughs and sharing coffee or tea. Engaging is activities with people. It also made me aware I used to not be socially awkard and isolating has made me socially awkard. It has made me want to take chances with people even if they bail on me.

Example: With this experiance I put myself out there. I got an e-mail saying an acquaitance wanted to run. I said sure and made a time etc. Even though I really didn't want to get up at the crack of dawn and run. I prepared the night before and got everything ready. I wake up early and check my e-mail. The person bailed on me saying she couldnt get to sleep in time so bailed. In reality looking at facebook this person flaked on me and had something else better to do. People be smart enough if you say something in e-mail don't be posting on facebook in the early morning and contradicting yourself. It really makes you look like an ass. This person I had a feeling was a flake and it just comfirmed it. Will I still ever go running with this person. Sure but I will never really trust this person and take everything as iffy. It turned out that morning it was storming like hell anyway. I would of just ran by myself as it was a good way to get me started again with running. My running has been so on and off this year. I really need a good boot in the ass to start again and I thought this would of been a great opputunity.

I have been so busy with living lately I haven't had time for running or much of anything else. That is another entry though.

Blogger isn't working correctly and I can't spell check or edit.

Borrowing from the devil

2011-09-27T07:59:00.002-04:00

Since, being rejected by my mother for the loan for home repairs it has been a wait game with the bank. It has caused much anxiety . It has made us ask our selves a lot of questions and most of all where the hell are we going to get the money we need.

Yesterday, I tried to clean and do some fall cleaning. I was just a ball of nerves all day. After, taking a break I told J I can't wait till the bank calls. Call the bank. It was about 4:15pm. The bank closes at 4:30. J left a message and lo and behold the woman called back . She told us we where approved and for how much. Best of all we didn't have to mortgage our home to get the money and it is unsecured. We are now doing business with the devil aka bank. At least with the bank we know what we are dealing with. No strings attached to the bank either except they want the money back in a timely period with interest. I can deal with that. I thought it would be easier dealing with my mother but I'm glad she didn't loan the money as history and recent events shows me you don't change the spots on a leopard. Doing anything with family has had strings attached to it in the past.

It also brought up the point J and I really don't have functional family and really dysfunctional family that we can't rely on. It is hard to ask J's parents for anything as they have senile dementia and that would be taking advantage. They where helpful if we needed anything finiacal in the past but even in there right mind still dysfunctional. We really realized in the past and it cemented now that we only have each other. It is nice to know someone has my back. It has been a tough year for J and I relationship. Finiacal stuff has away to put a strain on any relationship but lately it has been making our relationship better. We both are brainstorming for the goals we want and also see why we are in debt up to our eyeballs. We even have a good laugh at it at times. When we walk around the house and pull something out of a pile and ask why did we buy this. I found a shirt I had to have last year still with a tag on it. Found several books that I just purchased recently that probably wont be read for awhile. We have been confronting our waste and poor choices. Doing this we will better be able to make better choices. Wants versus needs and get on a better budget. It has made us want to vomit with some of the life choices we have made with money.

We have to visit J's parents and I had to book a hotel for next month. At this stage of the game we have to visit and J's parents have no room for us. I booked the cheapest I could. It still cost a bundle. It made us both sick knowing that the money we will spend for the visit would of been our vacation this year. Sometimes I wish we had no sense of Duty and loyalty. We where immoral and wouldn't visit. Most of the time it isn't appreciated either. With my in-laws suffering dementia and very old age it is more like they behave they are entitled. We should full fill are duties even when it is bankrupting us. They have no concept of debt as they never would of spent themselves in foolish debt and would of done without before getting into debt. Hence, they have money because they have always been responsible. It doesn't help they drive us so crazy when we visit we run up a hell of a bar tab all week. This time we will drink in our room and bring all of our animals. We also have activities planned as the constant repeating stories drives us nuts and bores us to death. We will try to get over the money we don't have to go and visit even if it makes us sick to our stomachs and suck it up like we always do. Oh family aren't they great.

More to come tomorrow. I feel like I have rambled and the whole post could be better structured but my mind is at maxium overload. Sorry if it was hard to read.

Hurt

2011-09-26T09:13:00.003-04:00

I have in the last week got my feeling hurt. It also has made me put up a wall where my mother is concerned. Since my father has passed away I thought we where getting closer. She calls me almost everyday with her grief and uses me as a free therapist. Sometimes, it is overwhelming and sometimes I'm happy to talk to her. I'm a shoulder per say because she is lonely. I have always for the most part been the rock.

The problem is when I needed her she wasn't there for me. Which is a giant trigger for me because she seems not to be their when I need her. What hurt the most was I thought she had changed through this experience. Oh, I was wrong.

We are in the midst, of getting remodeling done on our home. It takes a boat load of money that we don't have. Some of those repairs need to be made before the snow also. We went to the bank to try to dip into some of J's investments but they are locked in till next year. The bathroom won't wait till January. So, we had to apply for a credit card with interest. We are up to debt to our eyeballs with our other one. So, that evening I called my mother asking her if I could borrow 10 grand. Which really isn't anything for my mother. I told her I would pay her a grand every month till it was paid. It would really help us not rack up more debt and she isn't doing anything with her money anyway. I would post date a cheque every month so she would know she was getting paid. She really didn't want to discuss it. Told me she was busy making freaking sushi. Then goes on about that. I told her to call me the next day to discuss it. She finally got around to calling me the next day. She said she really didn't want to. No reason either. Told me to let the bank loan us the money.

I'm pissed. I have loaned that woman money when she had none. Have always tried to be there for her etc. I'm done and detached now. I will not open myself to be hurt again. I would rather borrow the money from the devil than ever ask my mom for anything again.

SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder

2011-09-25T07:36:00.004-04:00

Fall rolls around and my mood changes from my predominant mixed mood to plain out depression. I'm not severely depressed at the moment but feel the dark ominous depression moving in. I started my SAD light today. I start around when I can really feel the days get shorter and it has been so gloomy with it raining all the time lately.

I feel like if I wasn't so depressed or mixed at the moment my attitude would be better and I could problem solve better with all the crap that is going on in my life. I have became not only sad as in the emotion but paralyzed to get what I need to get done. I know many things fuel the depression. But without fail I start spiraling down in a depression this time of year into a pit if I'm not proactive leaves me into a major depressive episode. I have to give it my all to make sure I'm not in the snake pit of hell. The vitamins I used to take I have sort of neglected to take in the last couple of months also. I can feel a physical and mood difference. I have been eating like crap lately and need to get back to a very firm diet also which makes me feel better physically and emotionally. Most of all I just need to get off my ass. I can do what I need to do by just making myself do it. Sheer will power on certain days. I feel more depressed when I do nothing at all and allow things to build up and grow. If I manage something everyday with the house and my well being I wont be in such a hole. I tell myself that anyway. Plus , I really have a ton of crap to do.
Bear, made a wonderful comment and it made me think. I need to get back to the bush. That statement to me meant I need to get back to my spirituality. The bush is part of it. I'm not a religious person but sometimes I need my spirituality. I have been so removed from it this year it pains me. I laid in bed last night and prayed to my god. It felt awkward but it did provide some comfort. I know my depression wont go away on it's own but I do need to feel comfort and it feels helpful for me. I need to go look at the awesome glory of the Autumn leaves. Soak up the smell of the earth. Celebrate the changing of seasons and realize everything changes. I change during the seasons and so does the environment. I need to embrace what ever I'm feeling and have the comfort that it changes also. Nothing stays the same.

Fresh Squeezed Lemons

2011-09-18T08:32:00.003-04:00

I haven't blogged in about 3 weeks. So little and so much has happened. I keep telling myself I really need to update. My memory anymore is crap. I will start off by saying I didn't go on my camping trip. Life came up. Life has away of getting in the way of good plans so does the lack of money. I can't remember everything that has went to hell in the past three weeks but the major one was our water pump went out on our water system. No pump = no water. That cost a good 1,700. Mostly, because the pump is located in the lake. Needed a new harness built for the pump and water line also. It is aggravating but not the end of the word.

It seems many things have been on stand still lately. My kitchen is waiting and crying it needs fixed. The bathroom is crying it needs major new flooring and sub flooring. Everything in the house is screaming "We need your attention" I scream back I'm not made of money. The house then screams we don't give a crap we will break on you. We are really trying to figure out how to get it all done before it snows. Trying to find honest hard working people in this small town is very hard. Everything is so overpriced by American standards also. Don't even get me started on how much more expensive everything is here. When the Canadian dollar is higher than the American dollar. It really upsets me to pay double and triple on some things.

I did though have one nice day exploring,hiking and going to a tourist trap and eating a Indian Taco on a Rez. I need more of those days. I was so tired hiking 3.0kms of very rugged terrain. My back and legs where a mess the next day. Oh the bush though. It calls to me at times and soothes my crazy racing head. I feel more at home than even in a mall.

I used to call shopping home but not to long ago I went and felt so out of place. I'm not used to the choices at all and the sticker shock. Ended up getting all dressed up. I'm starting to feel like a hick anymore. Example: They had a dyson hand blower that looks so different and I marveled at it. Kept blowing my hands. Did managed to get J new glasses. Also, some real nice sweaters and more dressy clothes so when we go down south we won't look like such hicks in a fine dining establishment. Ended up eating at the Red lobster. One of those all you can eat shrimp things and I have been so sick the last past couple of days. I don't think I can look at shrimp the same now. It is something when to do shopping you have to drive a good 180 mile trip and get the gift of food poisoning. I also got my monthly present at the same time. I feel so lucky. The night we went ended up drinking to much wine also and had a hangover the next day also. I haven't been so physically sick in ages. My stomach better today still gargles.

My mood is getting slowly under control. It has been a ride on the mixed roller coaster.

Fragmented

2011-08-30T07:26:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking about blogging. I have had a lot emotionally going on. My head lately has been on the muddled side and fragmented to an extend. I think in incomplete sentences lately. it doesn't much make for a good blog post. It doesn't hurt my head that much as I deal with it and pretty much live in my own head. You would need to know me well to get me when my mind is like this in person .

, I have been getting a ton of stuff done around the house. I have been actually having success with list. Generally, I don't have any success with them. I have broke down big jobs down to little things and it helps my muddle brain stay on track about 80 percent of the time. Sometimes, I get so distracted I do other things that aren't on my list that also need to get done. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can mark the things on my list done. I'm in the mist of trying to get everything organized and super clean in my house and in my life. In the last year I have let everything go to hell. It truly isn't like me to let everything go to hell either no matter what kind of space I'm emotionally or physically. But it is time to move on and pick up the pieces and be more motivated even when I lack it. I think it is more depressing to just give up like I have. Giving up grows on its self. I still trudge but at least I'm not sinking completely. I still have my days with my grief but gradually it is getting better. In no way it is perfect as nothing in life is. I guess I wish life at times would be a little bit more cut and dry. It isn't especially if your Bipolar. It can be interesting. Some days, I vacillate from taking care of myself lately with running and swimming, eating right and doing all the right things to getting stupid drunk and making an ass out of myself. Over indulging on consumption of the computer also to hide from life. I have liked distraction and have been trying to get out of it. I cancelled one of my facebook accounts that I was active on. I have moderated my drinking more so it isn't so out of control when I'm triggered by anxiety or whatever.

It hasn't been near perfect but I'm slowly learning to deal with what I have been dealt lately. I have been under extreme stress with many things. Some to lengthy to really get into and same of the same ole shit. I just want to start to be not so extreme in anything I do and have more of a balance. I have a hard time with an all or nothing attitude at times. Life comes up all the time and I just need to deal with it the best I can. It seems when I try to get structured I fret if I don't do the same things day after day.

I have went on rambling to long.

Hodge Podge

2011-08-23T07:41:00.002-04:00

It is a nice cool morning. It is about 58F. it looks like it is going to rain. I put off my run this morning to it gets a little sunnier and most of the cars have went to work. I don't want to be a hood ornament. I have been trying to get back into running even though it has been tough for me to A) Make myself B) I need to work up my endurance . Right now my fast pace looks more like jogging. I'm just proud of myself for making myself. I never used to have to make myself run at one time. I loved it.

I have ordered some barefoot running shoes. I'm looking forward to them. They stimulate barefoot running without cutting your feet to shreds trying without protection. I have probably mentioned I hate shoes and socks. I wear socks every once in awhile or to a doctors appointment and that's it. Not even in the winter. I do like slippers though to keep my feet warm. I'm wearing my Aladdin slippers now. They really look like those cartoon slippers that are pointy. I got them when I went to art in the park this year but have been to hot to wear until recently. The artist that did them takes recycled everything to make other things. My slippers are made out of leather, upholstery and some sleeve off a jacket for my ankle. They are really whimsical. I'm a real sucker for anything whimsical. It makes me smile. Even the shoes I have ordered are three different colours.

I have been feeling better since I have spoke about my anger to J and resentments. It also makes me see I need to change and just do what I want even if it takes some pushing on my part. I have already looked up the weather for this week and decided from Friday to Monday is a good time to get a couple of games of golf in. Before the dogs died last year I played at least two -three times a week and had a membership to the golf club. This year I haven't even picked up my bag. It should be interesting how rusty I'm. I no longer take score and just try to improve my swing and have fun. I just compete with myself anymore. The more I take it serious and I'm not relaxed the worse of a game I have. I have no fun either.It is one way I don't take myself seriously anymore. Fun is way more important to me.

On the cleaning. I'm making a dent in this house but have a ton to do to get it organized like I would love it. My dead line is winter to get some stuff fixed also. I would love to redo my kitchen and bathroom. This week I will go price flooring and appliances. I actually have some money in a savings account for the kitchen even though it is a start it probably won't be enough and I will at least start some of it in the kitchen. The bathroom, we have some money we hope we can touch in a locked savings account and not have to pay a sizable penalty to get at it. The bathroom is just falling apart and really need to redo it asap. My home used to be my castle. I want it back to castle status. I spend the majority of my time around the house and backyard. I'm also trying to figure out how to justify a treadmill.

With the cooler weather, I'm getting a nesting instinct and even find myself cooking more. I'm nesting for winter. Winters can be hard and cold. I just really like cool and cold weather and it makes me more energetic.

Venting

2011-08-21T06:23:00.003-04:00

I really don't know exactly what to write about so I will just let my mind flow. I have been sort of flat the past couple of days. I slept all day yesterday just to wake up to see a lame movie on TV then drift back to sleep. I love lazy week-ends where I do nothing at all except eat and sleep. It is very relaxing for me.

Most of time I feel a little overwhelmed with life and sometimes pretty angry with some of the things that have been going on with my relationship with J. J is gone for 4 days and is expected back Monday. Part of me is so glad J is gone that means less work and aggravation. I have no one to wait on except myself. No one to argue with except people on my facebook. It really is actually nice. Part of me is very pissed at J for being so worthless around the house but can do a 4 day hobby and function. J doesn't function very well around the house and is always bitching about mood or something physical. If I don't do it around the house it doesn't get done period. I have stopped asking J to do anything and the very few things that I ask J to do J forgets. It is always about J's mental illness. Switching pills etc. To be honest nothing has worked very well with J. J doesn't realize a pill isn't a cure. You have to do the hard stuff also like take care of yourself , be proactive etc. Sitting on the couch day after day won't do it.

It is a nice vacation away from J. My company is better to be honest. The TV isn't on 24 hours a day. I don't have to wait till a programme is over to do something or schedule something around a TV programme etc. I have been a little board though because I don't have a car to do anything and feel a little trapped. I could be getting more done with a car also doing errands. I have noticed being by myself how isolated I'm and I'm going to have to change that and get more involved with activities and start just doing things by myself even if I have to ride J's ass to give me a ride.It is pretty amazing to me that I was an avid golfer and haven't golfed once this year. I think I will golf next week. I really hate my isolated existence. Something has to blow over and it starts with me.

Planning

2011-08-17T07:57:00.003-04:00

I'm waking up and wondering where to start my morning. I have a ton to do and prepare for. I have a camping trip to prepare for in about 2 1/2 weeks up around Lake Superior. I was excited about it until I started thinking about all the planning and work associated with it. I try to add to my list with it as much as I can with the camping trip .

It is a very much needed trip up north. I need the peace, quiet, smell of pine , sound of crashing waves and chilly mornings. I went up North last year to clear my mind and unclutter my soul. I have been carrying around a lot of grief, sadness and just everyday crap. I have been trying to unload all that keeps me down . I need to just be and relax. I won't have t.v or computer, phone, Internet etc. It is going to be nice except that I'm addicted to my computer. I have a cell phone but it doesn't have any bars. It is a dead zone. Part of me doesn't like that at all and I really doubt the provincial park has wifi(lol) I'm easily distracted and hopefully my distractions will be with a red squirrel throwing pine cones out of trees. Or if I really want to be kept on my feet a park bear. Not the agitation of electronic devices and phones.

I plan on still writing in my journal and sending letters and postcards to a few people. I had so much fun with regular pen and paper up north last year even though I stayed at motels and had wifi. I haven't camped up north in awhile. Several years and never during the fall but in the summer. The trees are wonderful and start to turn in September. Awesome oranges, and reds in different variations. It is a breath taking sight. It is breath taking anyway past Sault Ste. Marie. I always love how many places you can explore around Lake Superior up to Thunder Bay. Not going to make it that far with the prices of gas the way it is. We will go to a provincial park called Pancake Bay. Not going to be camping in a tent either. We have a pop up but don't hook up so it is more like camping. It usually is rainy that time of year but you never know. I'm hoping for a Indian summer. It has been unusually warm this year .

It is sort of funny that I live in so called North(tourist trap) even though I think it really is central Ontario and have to escape this place to get a Holiday up even farther up north. It is nice to get away from tourist hell even though most go home when the kids start school after Labour Day and the others go home after Canadian Thanksgiving. I look forward to be a tourist for once and will not be rude like some of them can be. I have seen demanding tourist in the area I'm going to also. It really is ugly no matter where you are to be a total jack ass to people that live in an area . When asked where I'm from and J is from and we say, They are like your Ok. What they don't like is people from the GTA or TO. I seem not to blame them because we get those same people where I live. Seems like the stereo type fits most of the time. Or the bad apples seem to enforce that horrible stereo type of rude, difficult and demanding.

Anyways, I'm sort of looking forward to the trip and even on some days like the planning.

Updating

2011-08-05T07:54:00.003-04:00

I thought I would update this blog with a new entry since I have been not updating in awhile. I have been very busy with life. It might be a short update since blogger is giving me problems. My mood has pretty much leveled out and is getting better. I still have my moments. Life has been a little crazy with all the doctor appointments I have. I have one more appointment left with wearing the ekg holter monitor and I will be done with it. I have worn it twice so far and have to get up at the crack of dawn to give it back. The annoying part is getting up at the crack of dawn to give it back the next day.

I have been exercising a lot lately also. Mostly, swimming and jogging. The jogging is a little bit of a joke. It looks more like fast pace walking. I'm really out of shape and it is just coming back to me. I have not jogged more than a couple of times in the last year due to various reasons. I noticed exercising real helps with my joint and muscle pain. It doesn't feel great at the time but it seems like I have more mobility. I try to exercise at least a half an hour a day now. It helps me emotionally also. It seems to clear some of the cob-webs from my brain and stay more focused. It has been great for anxiety also. I have really been trying to take care of myself.

I also have been hard at work with cleaning and decluttering. I really hate a junked up house and dirty house. To chaotic for me. It is hard to declutter when it isn't your stuff to get rid of. It is J's stuff and it needs to go. I have been getting rid of junk for about 3 years now and barely have even scratched the surface with everything that needs to go. It has been a long process trying to get J on board with getting useless clutter out of here. It is a slow process but it is finally happening more and more. I actually hung some of my art work in the house. I really don't have much of my stuff in this house even though I have lived here for awhile permanently and not off and on. My stuff still occupies a storage locker.

Anyway, I will see if blogger will work at all and I won't loose the little I wrote. I promise I will start to update more.

Manic

2011-08-05T07:54:00.002-04:00

I have been in lala land since about the 25th and haven't much felt like talking much. I started a new blood pressure med then and I have virtually put up a sign Out for lunch but I haven't returned. I don't know much of what I say but I'm reminded when I look at facebook. I cringe and sometimes don't look for days afterwards. I was physically sick for days until I figured out it was the pill. I thought I had the severe flu. I laid on the couch for days in a daze. I finally looked up the side-effects and I was suffering from all that that pill could do. It also had another side-effect. It screws with mood and sleep.

I have been a real mental mess taking this pill. I have felt things that I haven't felt in years like killing myself out of the blue. I have felt the horrible shame that goes along with just being way out there and not remembering from day to day. I have felt when am I going to loose total touch with reality and not be able to come back. I have fought the horrible ol factory hallunications that I have been getting again on a daily basis. The smells make me on the verge of throwing up or I throw up with perceived smells or just being so sensitive to smells. I don't remember what I say to people and think Oh fuck, then I'm embarrassed to speak to them. Some days I feel like I'm coming out of my skin literally. Someday, it is so uncomfortable being in my own skin I try to drink till I pass out. I want to buy things I really can't afford either and need to buy other things. I work then I can't move for a day or two. Then I'm back to wanting to move the world. My head is scrambled like eggs. I can't keep a thought to save my life.

The past two days I started back on haldol to try to rein me in and to catch the reins of reality. I feel like reality is like a big balloon that I'm trying to anchor down with it's big ropes that I keep tugging. I will get back to me in about a week and it will take me a little longer to not feel so out of it. I don't think I have done much damage but I have shaky self esteem at the moment. It is even hard to admit that I was getting out of touch. I know this all will pass and serves at a reminder how crazy it can get . It also makes me think I'm going to be very cautious taking any more blood pressure meds as it can turn my world upside down.

The Heat

2011-07-24T09:23:00.004-04:00

It is such a lovely morning today. It is actually cool enough to blog this morning. It has been very hot here for the last week. I'm enjoying the cool this morning before it heats up again. My last week has been all about keeping cool. I even broke down and bought a portable a/c also but have yet installed it also. I'm thinking I have more to do before I install it either today or tomorrow. The room that it will go in looks so junked up that it could be featured on hoarders. Not really as it will take me a couple of hours to clean but still it is horrible with all sorts of clothes mess and etc. It has been way to hot to clear it out or work at all.

I have been keeping cool swimming almost everyday. It has been actually cooler outside than it has been inside. With the humidex it has got over 100f most of the last week. We have been drinking loads of g2 and water. I have been grilling all meals outside. I was adding a little spice to anything I made as they say spicy things help with the heat. I can buy that as most hot countries eat spicy food . We have also been cooling the dogs off several times a day also and they have been wet several times a day. Even the old dog doesn't seem to mind getting hosed down as he hates the water usually whether it be swimming or the hose. We have been sticking around the house so they will drink loads of water in this heat also. I was tempted to go to a movie on one of the hottest day but didn't want to leave the dogs home in the heat and them restricting their water as they wont drink when we are out . One day, I went grocery shopping just to be in the a/c and put up with the huge crowds. I didn't even mind how slow it was. I even went down ever isle no matter if I needed something or not. I actually went to walmart that day wondering the store. I generally never wonder walmart. I thought I was out of my mind shopping like that. I really just wanted to stay cool. I even picked up a bucket of chicken from kfc. Which is so taboo for me. I loathe KFC. More of a moral/ ethical concern about how they are cruel to chickens and process them. I have boycotted kfc for years. The heat made my concern go out the windows and procure some tasty saltiness. I also don't much eat salt anymore or hardly any fast food. I have to admit I wouldn't eat fried chicken everyday but it was what I needed. I needed SALT. I have been losing loads of salt sweating and really don't eat enough salt. i don't generally eat processed food except occasionally. I forgot how salty kfc is. I haven't had it in years. I prefer my own fried chicken as it isn't as greasy either. It was nice to bring home and not have to cook at all. I also forgot how expensive it is. Between the grease, salt and price I don't think it will be any temptation for me. It also made me feel like shit that I would actually buy something from that place. Even trying to rationalize how many big corporations that operate in this small town that I shop at didn't help anymore. It has made me realize what a sell out I have become out of being practial. I was also saddened at looking at my grocery cart with all the disposable items I had like paper plates and plastic forks and spoons. Trying to tell myself it is to damn hot to do dishes. I would never in a million years buy disposable dishes out of concern for the environment and cost.

The heat has been doing some weird things to me. I actually think it is called survival even if I hate buying unethical chicken, and overloading landfills, etc. Sometimes a person has to do what they have to and get off the soapbox of being political. It isn't like I do this stuff everyday either as it really does cost more to buy disposable things and eat crap.

With it being a little cooler I feel a little bit better and can get on with my life a lot more and get more done around here. Maybe, actually preparing for the next horrible heat wave. Where I live it really never stays this hot for very long or achieves the temps of lately. But over the past 9-10 years, each summer I have been here I swear I need a/c. Most of those years , I would just go back to the states to my central air:) Oh , how I miss central air. People in that I know or when they find out from where I'm from think I know a lot about handling the heat. I know one big t hing stay out of it. I never got used to the heat in the states. I had central air and would never go out on hot days. Or if I did it was to the a/c in the car to the a/c in the store back to the a/c at home. Or go out in the very early morning to jog back to a/c. I could never put up with the heat. That was one of the biggest draws to move here permanently several years ago. I could actually enjoy summer without being a shut-in. Also, loved the very cold winters. I like it cold and not brutally hot. A lot of people whine about the horrible cold winters and snow. I'm not one . I love it for the most part. I whine about the horrible hot. I do feel very lucky though not to live in the city where it is very hot though. I can always walk out in my backyard down the stairs and take a nice cool dip in the lake. Even though it is very hot for me it wont stay hot. It is also making me used to the heat now where I want to put a sweater on when it is 70f or around 20c. This is making me hardy this heat snap. Maybe, until I put the portable a/c in (lol) and hole up in the studio.

A Package

2011-07-16T10:03:00.004-04:00

I really don't have much of anything interesting to say. I'm trying to get into the habit of blogging more so I will try to say something. It will probably be ramblings of sort...

I'm drinking coffee this more relaxing. It is nice to have coffee and read blogs. Morning time is ME time. My mind is jumbled and hazy in the mornings though. Before, blogging, I used to do housework as it was more up my alley about being brainless. Blogging and reading blogs helps jump start my mind in the morning and relaxes me in the evenings also.

I'm trying to think and I thought a lot about this yesterday and today.One thing that happened yesterday was I received a box from my mother yesterday. It contained a small urn of my father. It was very nice and really tasteful. It just looks like a small ornate metal vase. I don't think anyone would guess what it was if they where looking around the house. I can imagine if I every had people over would be they would point out or pick it up thinking oh neat vase and say where did you get that. I can picture myself saying well that is part of my father and laugh as they would have a puzzled confused sorry look. Sorry, black humour.

The box also contained some of his t-shirts,and movies etc. It also contained my gra nd mothers antique weird clock and a doll of my grandmothers I used to play with as a child. I also found a lighter that my mother sent. She said it was my fathers and when I looked at it , I was shocked to find out it was really my lighter. He stole it from me. It made my tears go away as I was angry that he would steal an expensive lighter that was a gift from J. It was a scrimshaw zippo. Scrimshaw is something whalers and sailors used to do. They would carve pictures of voyages and different things onto whale bones. My lighter had a clipper ship on it.

Seeing the lighter brought up some old issues I had with my father. It made me feel guilty for feeling anger at my father. It was just like him to be a lighter thief also. It seemed though a zippo is more deliberate than a bic though. It also brought up feelings of how I felt about how contradictory and just his whole personality. My father was one of those dysfunctional people that you couldn't help but forgive as he was always truly sorry for what ever he did. Even, if he still kept his bad behaviour up. He did the best he could with a mental illness also. I knew some of the things that where less than desirable , dysfunctional and acting out was because he was Bipolar. He really did the best he could. Over all though he was a good decent man. I felt loved by my father so it was easy to forgive his myriad of faults. I still get a laugh out of some of the crazy bullshit that came out of his mouth. He really was a storyteller and would entertain many people everyday with some story or tidbit. The sad thing is he never realized how many people loved him and liked him. He never felt like he had friends when he was actually popular and had many friends.It is actually surprising to me since he was such Mr.gloom and doom with his family. I was speaking to my mother yesterday telling her I really want to not be a negative person and be gloom and doom. I'm generally not but have my periods of gloom and doom. Also, can have black and white thinking when I'm in a bad mood. I don't see my options and choices. My fathers gloom and doom attitude really is what killed him. I don't want that for myself. It is so easy to fall into that trap and just give up in life and not take care of ones self physically or emotionally. Especially, if it is chronic. I have felt like that in the past of just fuck it. Nothing is going to get better and not take care of myself with chronic pain ,chronic mental illness and chronic health problems. I have allowed it to get the better of me at times and just fall into the black hole. The thing that is different with me and my father is I might get into that space of just succumbing to what ever but I always end up getting back on the horse, trudging and simply just trying and not throwing in the towel of taking care of myself and being in tuned to my body and mind. I think I'm more like my mother in that aspect.

My father's death really was a tradgey . I will go into it at a later time but it felt to me like he committed suicide. Which gives me some feelings of anger. His death could of been prevented. It is a wake up for me. I can understand what happened and just feel sad. It also makes me very much want to take care of myself and be a more positive person. It also makes me want to really live and just not trudge through life. Not worry as much and be in the minute. Have fun and have no regrets. I also want to make more enjoyable memories for my family. I don't want my family to have a lot of what if she did so and so would she be alive. My grief is taking a turn around and making me into a better person over the long run . At least I hope it does. The heavy pain is still there as it will take time but I'm dealing with it and I'm not so much in the depths of despair and living life and enjoying it.

Smile:)

2011-07-15T08:59:00.004-04:00

I was reading a blog the other day http://blueskiescloudydays.blogspot.com/ and many things jumped out at me in a good way. It made me rethink how I act towards people. My negativity and my pretty bad social anxiety that I suffer from causes me not to be so kind in public. I'm not rude but I don't put myself out for strangers.

I can't remember what post on that blog had to do something with kindness also. I always have thought of myself as a kind person but the fact is that I really don't put myself out that much to be kind to strangers. I hate going out most of the time. I figure I probaly have a negative glow to me and most of the time look unapproachable. I give to chairtys but that isn't the same as being kind in my every day interactions. I have done a ton of volunteer work in the past. The word is the past.

I have been trying harder out in public lately even if I swear I won't go out. Yesterday, I tried something a little different. SMILING. Yes, I had to force it on and it wasn't easy . I'm generally not a negative person but really can get caught up into it sometimes. To be more accurate I'm a self absorbed person . I have been so caught up with myself and my own misery. I have never been a person to allow many other people in my life either. I go about life quite in public and really don't speak or have much interaction with strangers. I really have never liked small talk either. Don't much like it from anyone that provides a service either: denist, doctors, hair stylist, etc. You get the point. So, my interaction in public is severly limited.

Well, yesterday I decided to put myself out there a little. I had to walk to my dental appoinment since J had an appoinment at the same time. I decided to smile at everyone I meet on my little less than a mile walk. Some people had a tough demeanor and when I would smile at them they smiled back. I thought wow this is different. All the unfriendly faces turned friendly. Got to the denist office to get my cleaning and I found myself engaged in chit chat about the weather etc. Weather is always a huge topic around these parts. I thought I really don't care about the weather as it is what it is period. I'm trying to be friendly though and when I would engage in small talk the staff just seemed much more friendlier to me. I even when ask how are you by the denist I replied I'm great isn't it a fine day outside. He was more postive with me and a little bit more gentle also. Was told I had two small cavities when I had the cleaning and took responsiblity and said fine I will take care of those asap. My lack of dental care over the years has been horrible due to lack of money or not taking care of myself because either my mouth was so screwed what is the use or low self -esteem. They smiled didn't lecture and said when I had my cleaning wow, it isn't that bad for a person that hasn't had it cleaned and neglected for 15 years. I said I really started taking care of it this year and flossing regularly and brushing more than once a day. They reassured me it is what I do now that matters and I'm really taking care of my oral hygiene now. My mouth is a new start and I want to keep it perfect now. I find myself smiling more with a real smile.

I thought why I was in a good mood I would get more done yesterday. Even made small talk with the barber who now cuts my hair because the over-priced salon was full of negative gossipy people. The atmosphere was dismal. The price outragish as I was paying close to 50 bucks to basically get a trim for little hair. I have real short hair now. She would never want to cut it short and the last time left me in a sink for 5 minutes with shampoo in my hair. I wasn't thrilled with saying I go to a barber. He does a better job, has a better atmosphere, better magazines that deal with real life and doesn't leave hair all over me. The price 14 bucks. I still wrinkle my nose at the ideal of going to a barber though. I shouldn't just call him a barber as he actually really does know hair and difficult hairlines. He always gets my hair. I have a wacky hair lines with many cow licks which makes it very difficult to deal with and he doesn't leave my licks flipped up everywhere. I find straight men are easier to get along with also and much prefer the lack of cattiness and superficial crap that goes on in a salon. It isn't my cup of tea:)

Got done ran more errands kept smiling and noticed this one man at the pharmacy. He looked like me most of the time. Very somber, frown big and intimdating. I looked over and smiled at him. He didn't smile. When I got my things to leave looked back and smiled again. He actually cracked a smile. It made me really think about how unapproachable I'm in public and the ideal most people probaly have about me when they don't know me. I don't know what was going on with this man but when he did smile it was lovely.

I really have to start smiling and making myself smile out in public. It makes me lighter and changes how the public deals with me. I'will have to fake it till I make it but I'm starting. I would at one time tell J to smile and not have such a serious look. J would tell me I'm not a chesire cat with a big grin. Well, I will try to be more like a toothy chesire cat until it feels more natural to me and not so freaky . One small little step which see ms so easy isn't that easy but so worth it. Now if I can keep it up.

Procrastination

2011-07-13T10:01:00.004-04:00

I'm having an inability to focus this morning on any one thing. I'm overwhelmed with everything that I need to get done so my mind skips around. I really don't want to do anything today except relax. I have been making list and the shear amount of things I need to get done doesn't appeal to me. I'm a serious procrastionator and always have this slogan : (I can do it tomorrow ) The thing is tomorrow never comes for me. Because their is aways tomorrow:) I will get some things done today even if I don't go out. I always have a ton to do around the house. List tend to help me see exactly what needs to be done also. I always put what is absolutely urgent down. I know in my head what is urgent but list make it more concrete. I like making list also. I look back at my list in my little notebook or scraps of paper and it tells me a story months later of where I was at and where I'm now.

I went to the doctor yesterday. It was my first time meeting him. Before, that I went to see the nurse practioner. The doctor comes once a week to the outpost. I was very impressed with him. It has been awhile since a doctor hasn't been dismissive and has listened and listened. He asked questions and stayed silent to listen. I think my high blood pressure yesterday impressed him also as I have been half ass medicated for it for a couple of months. He wants to do some serious investigation before he puts me on anything more. But he did up my Cardizm to help with the chest pain and keep the high blood pressure level. He even recognized his/nurse practioners mistake about the one medication that had my potassium depleted and in ER. He said he has to understand how I metabolize better. I go to a specialist the 25th and start the intense testing that I have needed all along. The specialist and this doctor are going to work together to find the answers I need. I feel really relived as I really don't want a stroke or heart-attack. I feel like I'm getting some where which gives me hope. I'm doing the things I need to do also like exercising more , losing weight and cutting sodium. I still need to give up the smoking. I will do that but not right now as it helps me through this time in my life. I would totally go bat shit not having my smokes right now.

Even though I live in Canada , I don't enjoy socialize medicine as I still have to pay for it for so many years because of being sponsored. It doesn't bother me at all. I pay less than people in the states with an insurance deductable. It is very resonable and really don't feel like I should be a drain on the system either. Yesterdays doctors visit cost 30 bucks. When I had a cat scan I payed 700 not 9,000 that was charged to my daughters insurance when she had an accident. I'm very thankful for the healthcare in this country that doesn't leave me bankrupted or neglecting my health. When I see the nurse practioner it is based on donation for me. What ever I feel like giving. I always give a good sum though. I don't want to take advantage of the generiousty of the outpost. Many people I seen in this area arent very appreciative of the healthcare and sort of abuse it also. I guarntee you if their was a minimal charge they wouldnt show up with the flu or many other things that could be treated at home. I have heard people in the office not want to drive 20 miles either for free healthcare and get bitchy about it. I will drive 20 miles for decent afforable healthcare and not abuse the system. So many people take for granted many things they are entitled to. I hope I will always remember and be thankful for what my new country has gave me besided healthcare and that includes better civil rights than I had in the states. I'm starting to bleed maple leafs so I better stop.

I look forward to figuring out what I need to do as I feel better capable to deal with things even if it is overwhelming. I will probaly put around the house and get things done as I have to go to town tomorrow for a dental cleaning and combine everything tomorrow. I do need some relaxtion too as Rob-bear pointed out.
I want to thank my new blog followers for following this blog. I have found many interesting blogs lately with new followers and lurking on these blogs I have found more blogs also. It really makes me feel not so alone and heard. It puts a smile on my face to read blogs every morning with coffee whether I comment or not. I do pretty much keep up with everyone. I will also enjoy reading farther back on some of the new blogs I have joined. It really is nice to get a different view from reading blogs and cheaper than therapy:) I have got more out of blog land than years of therapy.

Bubble Thoughts / Social Anxiety

2011-07-12T10:03:00.003-04:00

I'm not going to be politically correct in my post. I'm sure this might be offensive to someone. My bubble thoughts aren't postive when I'm in a store. They are very angry at times and can be illogical. I stumbled on to a blog the other day about Social Anxiety and other stuff. I haven't thought about social anxiety in awhile because I either go out or just don't. I have that option in life. I live in a smallish town and not even in town. I have been away from the city for a couple of years now and sort of live in seclusion by my own choice. It is very safe for me and my moods and anxiety for the most part. Even the people where I live hate the tourist. Most of the time I don't care one way or another. It is something you have to accept as the town I live in swells to a staggering size in the summer because people have cottages or as I would say vacation homes. I live in the summer hell of what people call Cottage Country.

The stores are jammed packed in the summer . It is like christmas shopping season. Shoulder to Shoulder. Trying to find parking is so hard. I end up hoarding and stocking up before tourist season. I ran out of fire sticks for my Big Green Egg. If you don't know what a Big Green Egg is , It is a bbq . Google it or ask your husband as they probaly want one or are drooling over one. You can't use petroluem products with it. It is recommened that you use Lump Charcoal that is their brand as it is very clean burning. I've tried other brands and it doesnt taste right to me. Anyway, I ran out of my supply of fire sticks. Only really two places in town that has them at a decent price. Canadian Tire and Walmart. The only two stores really in town that sells anything. Other stores are more boutiques. I thought I would go to walmart. I thought I would run in and just buy that as I thought they had one of those check your own self out lines. Well, another problem I have with Walmart is I go in for one thing and have a basket of things. I just can't buy one thing. It was so hot yesterday. Got in the store it was a little cooler. I thought oh some relief until I started walking around. Not much cooler than outside. They don't like to use their AC. I go blank in the store. The hoardes of people blow my mind. I think about just leaving. I tell myself no as I just have to get these fire sticks or no dinner for awhile. I get distracted in the one section after another. I look and put things that I think I need in the basket. I'm looking around and think to myself and get mad that the selection they have in the summer is not available to residents in the winter. Also, what is available in the winter is at a higher price. I'm already getting angry thinking about this and have to drive about 200 miles round trip to get a selection and prices. I can feel myself getting a little more angry and angry. I finally get to the camping section of the store. I try to look for fire sticks and someone is blocking the whole damm section with their cart and children like they are the only person that is shopping in the store. The menality of the tourist around here is very terrible. They go on hoilday and forget simple manners as it seems with many of their actions. I finally shove in to try to find what I'm looking for and not trip over a screaming bored brat playing in the isle. Oh, I was so hot no fire sticks. The problem with the Walmart in our area is it is aways picked over and trying to find something on the shelf is hard as the hoardes of people pick it clean. I can understand that but freaking restock once in awhile. My frustrration is running pretty high now. I march through the store like a wild beast. I feel that way anyway. I just walk real quickly trying to get my cart and myself OUT. I pick up some G2 as is is so hot outside and most people in this area have no AC. I have to keep myself very hydrated during this time. Get distracted again in the produce department with the wonderful sales of fruit. I'm pissed off again almost everything is rotted. Think I find one acceptable thing of strawberrys. Look for a line. They have about 4-5 lines open out of all the check outs. Most of those lines are 12 items and less. Leaving lines that are huge. I'm amazed how they can't open a damm line. It makes me so mad as I'm hot and hate crowds. Didn't even get want I wanted but an over priced basket of shit. I count how many items I have in the cart . I have 14. I said fuck it. I'm in the 12 item line. I have the tendency to pick the worst line. Well, I got in the worst line. It doesn't help the cashier is trying to get people to apply for a Walmart master card. I'm thinking come on lady just freaking check people out. The family in front of us clearly had a cart load and not 12 items or anywhere near 12 items. They are farting around , the kids are climbing all over the place etc. The woman was the most offensive. Slow putting the items on the counter, shopping still for trashy gossip mags, etc. I'm thinking she is a creature of walmart. It didn't help that she shoved her huge fat ass in a pair of spandex stretch pants and a tight stained white t-shirt. I'm overwieght and I would never try to put my fat ass in tiny spandex pants. It is just offensive to see every dimple on someones ass. She would make the people of walmart pictures. I'm thinking some pretty awful thoughts like stupid inbreed white trash with a huge ass. It didn't help the matter they did the shopping in two orders and her order was a shit load of candy bars and gossip magazines. I'm thinking honey you don't need another candy bar. Have you looked at your ass or stomach lately. Also, what you read will just destroy that last brain cell you have. It is such junk. I'm judging this woman because she is being a pain in the ass and pushed a cart right back at me when she was done. Not considring anyone else besides herself. She is holding up the line trying to juggle her 20lb purse that is a hell of a mess. I'm thinking how sloppy she is. Take that mess of a purse and get the fuck out of my way. Go make your overweight kids heavier with all those cookies, candy bars etc. Feed them more so they are so hyper already and I have to be subjected to this out in public. Well, I finally get to check out and do it fast. Tell the woman kindly and abruptly NO I don't want a master card. We have enough credit. Manage to get out of the hell of Walmart. Go across the street to Crappy Tire. Find what I want. Got some other purchases as they are getting rid of summer things at real great purchases. Come across a real great lifejacket for J. I told J to put it on. I help with the straps and take out all my anger on the straps as I forgot J was inside the lifejacket and tighten it so much J was so uncomfortable. It felt good. We had a laugh and move on. We start to go to check out and I see the solar spotlights I bought not long ago for half the price I bought them. It kind of makes me angry at myself for not waiting to the end of the season to buy them. But I really needed the lights at night to see the puppy. J said don't we need more . We did and got them at a awesome price. Well when I was talking to J. One of J's enemies hear J's voice. The pitbull bitch swings her head around. J gets delight because this person is so petty to be holding a grudge. She looks like a hackled dog looking at J. J just smiles and we have a good laugh that J can still get under this persons skin 15 years after J hasn't worked with this person. It is just crazy.J has known this person for over 30 years. No one much cares for this person either. I'm not going to get into this exactly because I don't want to say where this person works as this is a small place and can be figured out. This person must be crazy to keep a petty grudge against many people. She is a miserable person also. We finally get into line. Most check outs are closed and moving slow. That is one reason I don't like going to crappy tire in this area becausee they are SLOW. Always have been also. I ask J has this place always hired retarded people. They aren't mentally challenged but sometimes I wonder. It isn't brain surgery to run a cash register and bag quickly.
Cool down in the truck with the AC on full blast. Swear not to go out again until I really feel like it and have the patients for it and not the anxiety that was in me that day. Soemtimes, I just have to be annoyed and have my nasty thoughts. I just have to do thinks sometimes. Also, note to self stock up more.

Getting back on the horse

2011-07-09T09:05:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to wake up this morning. I got to sleep a little to late last night. I got to sleep last night and the dog woke me up. Got up for several hours to watch rewinds of The Soup. I haven't had such a good laugh in awhile watching stupid out takes of shows. Also, had a small feast on tomatoes and a baked potato. Had a hell of a time getting back to sleep. I think I got back to sleep at about 3-4ish. Slept another 4 hours. I could of slept longer but really want to get back to some sort of routine. I will be tired by tonight and sleep like a baby hopefully.

These last few months I have lacked structure and I need it physically and emotionally to function better. I can understand why I haven't had structure in my life with everything going on in my life though. I have done my best keeping it together emotionally. It would be hell for a normal person. Sometimes, I think I'm to hard on myself. Other times, I don't think I'm hard enough. Now to strike that balance.

I'm back into a place where I just want to take care of myself. Back to wanting to get things done around the house. I'm back to wanting to eat right meaning very healthy and lose more weight. I also want to improve myself physically with exercise. Most of this is due to I feel better physically. When your body is exhausted all the time it is hard to feel like doing anything. My head also has had enough crap to last a life time. It is time to move on with my life. I'm sure I will still have grief but I'm not going to get bogged down. I still have my days and that I accept. I'm back to being thankful for my good days and not being resentful about "Why does this shit happen to me" I have came to the conclusion no one really ever will take care of me except myself. It really is true for anyone though. I have watched for years my mother take care of everyone else except for herself and is having a hell of a time taking care of herself. I have fell down pretty hard this year and expected another person to take care of me and was very disappointed when they couldn't live up to my expectations. That is because I wanted that person to take care of me like I take care of myself and others. I do a much better job but found out maybe I was putting to much of an expectation of that person that can barely take care of their self . Anyway, it is much better to rely on yourself because people come and go through a lifetime.

I forgot myself over the past months starting with my shoulder acting up again and started to become depended. My mood ran down with misc. things. I think I'm getting back though with where I was before all this crap happened though stronger and hopefully more wise. I will get there again. I'm looking forward to life again and I have always had the knack of when life kicks you in the teeth of always getting up again . It might take longer than I like but I have always managed because that is what sort of person I'm.

Another Day In Paradise

2011-07-06T06:32:00.003-04:00

It has been a busy week already. I think part of the reason I haven't felt motivation is physically my body hasn't wanted to go there. Not long after I wrote my last entry the other day , I had to go to the hospital again. I had irregular heartbeats for several days prior to that and it was only getting worse. I was waiting that day to call the Nurse Practioner. I was told to go to ER.

I went to ER. They treated me like I was having another heart-attack. It didn't feel that way to me but I was pretty weak all over. The doctor in the ER was treating me like I was having an panic attack. I know the difference with panic atttack and something wrong with my heart. Blood was drawn and ativan under the tongue was gave with the usual baby asprin just in case. I was hooked up to various machines. I had to wait till the lab work came back. I was suffering from very low potassium levels due to being depleted by one of the blood pressure medications I was taking. It was very very low. Potassium allows your muscles to work and if you don't have it it will make your muscles not function . The heart is a major muscle. I had to stay in the ER until they gave most of it back by IV. That took several bags and hours to push through my body. After, I was done they sent me home with more of this potassium pill called slow k. Disconituned one of my blood pressure pills. So , basically until I see a doctor next week I'm without a blood pressure pill. I still have another that is more for the heart. I switched to another blood pressure pill last week. The metropyhl(sp?) was blocking my heart so much that I couldn't do anything physically or have any stamina. I was in pretty good shape with stamina before taking it and made it impossible to do anything physical. I was told it was a beta blocker and it could possibly do that. So, last week they put me on a diarectic (water pill) Well that depleted my potassium. So, I don't know what is next with a blood pressure pill. I'm still on Cardizm. I was refreed to a person in this area that does hearts even though he isn't a cardioligist but a interetist. We have very little specializist in this area being rural . It is fine with me though. His office called yesterday wanting to hook me up to a 24 hour holter EKG machine and doing other testing such as stress test etc. I will know more today as I 'wasn't around the house to get the call. I will call and make that appoinment today when his office opens.

I have tried to stay busy as I have a million things to do. We took the puppy to the vet for her heart worm test. It is a little late in the season but finally got around to it. She is on heart worm now. Finally, after so long got around to taking the older elderly dogs urine up to the vet to test for cushings disease. We will know something by Friday.

After doing that we wanted something fast to eat but nothing to fast food so went to Pizza Hut. We generally don't eat out and didn't know if Pizza Hut would be terrible or not. To our surpise it was pretty good. We sat out on the patio and it was wonderful even though it did rain some while we where out there. What a smoker will do for a smoke. (haha) After, that we ran our usual errands and ended up at the vegetable tent. We have been so starved for anything vegetable or fruit. We bought a bunch of vegetables and bought some fresh salad by the pound. They have lovely salad already made. It is so nice to have a fresh salad already made up with a ton of veggies in it when your tired and don't feel like cutting that all up. I also got some fresh cut up fruit salad. It was loaded with fresh melons, berries of all types and kiwi. I also found a sicilian eggplant. Never have used one but it looks interesting. I think I will just grill it the same way I use eggplant. A little olive oil, salt and pepper. If anyone has a better way or a recipe for it please share.

I'm going to get a massage today. My shoulders and back have been hurting again. It hurts to sit and stand up. I'm not comfortable in any postion. it hurts to move around and be active. I walk like a little old lady. I push myself anyway but it is getting unbearable. The massage helps a lot but I get relunctant to do it because of the cost. I rather spend the money than to be in horrible chronic pain that renders me useless. This will just put the pain to an acceptable level where I can still move. The only other thing that really helps is percocet which I really don't want to get addicted to. I use this product also called Biofreeze. It does help a lot from stabbing pain to dull pain and makes me more flexible. I feel like an little old lady discussing all my aches and pains , health problems.

I think I will wrap this up and listen to the gentle rain and have my morning coffee.

Crazy Month

2011-07-04T08:49:00.003-04:00

I don't know where to start. It has been a hectic crazy month . The past two weeks have been a hellish and like a rollercoaster. I just got back from my trip to see the in-laws. We actually stayed longer than we wanted to due to circumstances that arose during our stay. If you don't know my in-laws are in their 90's. Which lends various crisis for that age group. We really didn't want to visit either but out of a sense of duty ,respect and love , we do. We visit every couple of months to see how they are getting along and do the things they need us to do.

The first night we where visiting in that area they didn't even know we where in town. We keep it that way to get settled etc. The second day J had an event to go to but they knew we where there. That is the night we get the call. J's mum was picked up by the paramedics. The story goes H- J's mum had a lot of stomach pain tried to get on the toilet and fell. B-J's father couldn't get her up being very frail. She also lost all control of her bowels falling and made a very huge mess.
He had no clue what happened to H so paniced and called 911. After he called 911 and was inroute to the hospital he called us to meet him there. We ended up at the hospital before the ambulance. We walked in with H being pushed on the stretcher. We didn't know if H was in serious or critical condition at all but J looked at the ekg strip and said her heart was fine. J was a CCU nurse for 25 years. Made us worry a lot less .

Anyway, we started to think we had more of an elderly crisis on our hands. J did a real good job at talking with the nurse and that is when our visit for a couple of days turned into a week. We sat in the emergency room for 12 hours before they admitted H to do many test and also hold her till services outside the hospital was arraigned. So she ended up staying about 2 days at the hospital because it was a week-end and the proper personel needed to be set up for her discharge. H suffered from a Hiatal hernia . The real problem that brought her to the hospital was J's parents not being able to completely take care of themselves. H is severly demented and totally unable to take care of herself. B, takes care of H. B is very elderly and can't hardle walk but does the best he can. Neither one of them will accept outside help and have a hell of a time living. Both H and B are very resistant to change and won't go to a nursing home. Well , because of all this they are now in the system set up with Home Health and both hating it. Last week they had many services visit the home. It was like one person after another coming in. They kept repeating we can do it ourselves. We kept repeating no you cant and just tried to set up the services anyway. It was a real fight day after day. To get them to accept the services they need. We even got H- daycare for the elderly once a week which is better than nothing. I was impressed how the system moved so fastly and they have a total umbrella of services to keep them in their home.

It took it's toll on us especially the first night staying up for over 24 hours and working on little sleep. The night before that the puppy kept us up being afraid of the hotel room. So for like 3 nights we got less than 10 hours of sleep with various things. The poor dogs had to stay in the truck overnight at the hospital. It just really stayed busy the whole visit. We even had to book to more days at the hotel. We spent so much money related to this visit of staying in a hotel and having to provide all of our own meals this ate up our vacation money for this summer. We weren't even really thanked either. My in-laws aren't even anywhere near poor either. Anyway, what elderly person with some dementia and the other completely demented want to be forced out of the home or take serices when they are so delusional they think they can do it. I guess what makes me mad is how illogical they are and have no judgement. It is like fighting with a mentally ill person in an episode. They come across crazy. I say crazy as a generic term. I should say delsunional. The week was stressful to say the least.

We have been sweating about money and home repairs. This week didn't help with that extra stress. We pretty much where to the point of giving up and getting worse in debt. We would say what is some more debt load since it is so overwhelming anyway.
Then, I get a phone call from my mother. This made us cry. She told me she was going to give me some inheritance money. I wasn't expecting this. Told her to not worry about giving me any money from my father in the past month. Told her I wanted her to live the best life possible. Well, I will be recieving a little money probaly enough to get some of our kitchen remodeled. It really took some of the stress load off. It was almost if that was one thing out of this terrible month that had a silver lining to it. I really didn't expect it. She is also gathering 2 boxes of some of my fathers things to send me also. One box is stuff of my grandmothers also. She also ordered me a small urn that has my father's ashes in it so I'm honoured.

I have spoke to my mother everyday since the death of my father. I have watched her grieve so much. It has been a great growing experiance in our relationship making us closer and more vulnerable to each other. It also has made me realize the greater meaning of being there for someone and giving till it hurts. I have gave my mother my paycheck last month to help with her expenses and etc. That hurt but it hurts me more watching my mother live without money that she is accustomed to and not a poor lifestyle. She now has most of the estaste tooking care off and has the money that will keep her into old age hopefully. I have been poor in the past and so has my parents and we just dread the hell out of ever having to live that way again. Poor isn't bad per say. It just really limits your choices and makes people make bad decision.

I have been home for almost three days now and I'm so tired emotionally and physically. I have been trying to rest and get back to some sort of rountine. It has been hard. I feel like my head is totally baked or like a bowl of jelly. Now I have my life to deal with and it is overwhelming the amount of stuff I have to get done and the things I want to do. I will chunk it down and get what I have to get done little by little. Now is the hard part finding the motivation to get anything done. What helps with motivation?

Wow, what a ugly gnome

2011-06-19T04:35:00.003-04:00

I haven't wrote in almost a week. I had I think four teeth extracted totalling six. I got my partial and it looks wonderful. I haven't felt wonderful though. The partial doesn't feel that awful and isn't as painful as I thought it would be. The thing that has just made me so sick is taking the anti-biotic. I thought it was the pain pills making me so sick. It wasn't I figured it out yesterday. It has felt like I have had some killer flu. I have been trudging on though. Gradually, getting back to some sort of existence.

I'm getting my appetite back and I'm going to have to watch it or I will pack on the weight. My sleep is all over the place. I'm going to have to watch this as if I'm up I will shop. I mostly look but one night I ordered a pizza stone for the grill, marinade injector, a t-shirt and a set of god awful gnomes. Everything seemed acceptable except the garden gnomes. Wacky purchases generally tell me that I need to keep a close check on myself. I do justify the tacky gnomes though (lol) I want to plant some roses or some sort of flower that comes up every year as a memorial to my grandma that had eccentric and at times tacky taste. I wanted to put the gnomes around that plant. I still need to come up with a plant for the yard for my father. His favorite colour was blue. The hard part is to come up with something hardy enough for this area that will come up in the summer. I haven't thought of the little statue or possible bird feeder I will use for that area. He really loved watching birds and got a thrill out of doves. I thought about something dove like but it is so funeral like to me. My yard is turning into a flowered monument to dead things. I have planted loads of colourful tulips for the dogs that have passed. Also, tulips for the soldiers as I have Canadian Liberators as a tulip variety. I have a post somewhere about them. I really love flowers and plants though. I really look forward to this coming week with getting some annuals and perennials. It is still planting season here if you can imagine that. Barely, but still (haha) I have had so much come up that I haven't got around to my yard work. Yesterday, morning I made the statement "I don't even know why I bother getting up today" Well, I'm glad I did. It was late morning and people where mowing and doing brush removal. I could smell the sweet perfume of sweet grass and all kinds of different things that I couldn't identify as the sweet grass was so over powering. The sun was so bright and it was coldish. The wind was perfect. I could hear red squirrels chatting away. Which means they where telling something off. I couldn't help but smile. I even managed to seat outside and grill. I cooked a ham and some potatoes. I managed to put up the umbrella in the patio furniture. Not a hard job but the umbrella is broke and I had to tie a very hard tight knot in it to keep it up which at first I balance my fat ass on a chair to tie the knot but ended up putting it on the ground so I wouldn't fall. I have been a bit dizzy lately. J and I played a little bit with Daisy also. We stayed out until the mosquitoes got feisty . I look around the yard and see some major yard work to be done but in time it will get done. Probably, by the end of summer. Who knows, it will be when I get to it. I have years and years of projects and have to with the house and yard.

We are thinking about getting another cat also. A kitten to fit in with the other animals. Mostly, to entertain Link and keep her busy. I have been looking at Siamese cats. I have found a breeder and the more I try to work with her the more I'm favouring the humane society again. The cat breeder is a little wacky for my taste. I also hate kissing someones ass for an expensive cat. I for the most part think each to their own with beliefs but don't impose some wacky new age beliefs on animals and customers. The more I think about it I think I will go the humane society route and not jump through the hoops of this weirdo like a trained poodle. We jumped through enough hoops with the humane society. Tons of paperwork ,references and interview. I was very impressed with the humane society here as it was super clean also and had no animal urine or feces smell. The smell of the humane society of southwest Missouri will knock you over and I have ended up with very sick animals. One of the things that turned me off of adopting animals. I would spend a ton of money to make them well from some sort of contagious lung infections or kennel cough. I had a dog that made the rest of my dogs very sick also. I been thinking I will be ready in the fall for another cat. Daisy, will be grown enough to be able to handle a kitten. I will enjoy watching a kitten interact with the rest of the animals also. Very cheap entertainment.

I'm also slowly making list even though I have had major setbacks. I have kept my unofficial new year's eve goal by taking care of my health and getting a doctor. I have totally for the most part fixed all my teeth. I have completed wearing this horrible device that keeps track of your blood pressure for a 24 hour period also. i go back to the nurse practitioner tomorrow. My blood pressure still has been on the high side and I need to get it in acceptable range. One of my heart meds drains me physically of any stamina which I need to get changed. I have been so tired physically for about two months and I had decent stamina before my heart-attack. I can hardly mow the grass now. The med isn't right. I have been off the one med for a couple of days now and already feel my stamina come back. Part of me worries that the angina will come back. I'm sure they will come up with a better med anyways that controls my blood pressure better. I still need to manage my stress and anger better. I was more aware of my stress and anger wearing that blood pressure monitoring machine as when I was stressed or angry my blood pressure would be much higher. Sort of a little bio-feedback machine. I would be aware of it and do things differently. It would lower. I still need to give up smoking also. I plan on that in the fall or winter. I need to get through some of my grief and stress. Yes, I need that crutch. I also need to change my habits with smoking to be truly successful also. I dread moving my smoking outside but will sometime. The thought makes me shudder.

Well, I'm thinking about going back to bed even though it is daylight at 5:30 this morning and the birds are all up chirping, quacking, etc. It is also nice to listen to the geese,ducks and soon to be loons on the lake. I haven't thought about what I will do today on Father's Day. Nothing perhaps, or just another day to me to get things done. I really don't want to be dreary and negative. I have started to gradually get out of my dark pit with that and accept it.

Coming out of my cave

2011-06-13T10:10:00.004-04:00

First off , I want to thank everyone that made such kind comments. It really is so kind. The blogging community can be so awesome at times. I finally started to get caught up reading other peoples blogs also . I have never got this far behind. I have pretty much have caught up. I don't comment much but I do read all of your blogs. I read regular blogs also besides just a steady diet of mental illness blogs.

Anyway, I'm trying to do better. It is off and on for me. I will get there. It is moving slowly. I'm slowly getting back to eating. I just got somewhat of an appetite back. The irony is I'm getting more teeth pulled today and getting everything finished. My partial will be put in today also. That means even if I'm hungry it will be painful to eat. The good part is I will lose more weight. The bad news is my shorts and pants hardly fit. I like my clothes and I'm also cheap can be frugal at times. I'm excited though that all my teeth will be fixed completely today. I think I had some fillings done last week in the bottom teeth. Which completed fixing my bottom teeth. My teeth where a mess and they will be pretty again. Time anymore is such a blur to me.

I have been watching chick flicks on tv recently. I was never a fan of them. They are perfect when you don't want to think and just need a laugh or an escape. They have been good for me. It makes a difference than watching a movie I watched in this last month called For Coloured Girls. That movie was deep and despairing. Not like the stream of movies like Maid In Manhattan, 2 week notice, Confessions of a shop acholic. You get the drift. Chick flicks are good for not thinking and so very predictable. I really don't need serious movies at the moment. That is pretty much how I spent my week-end. I also had a real nice dinner out. It is nice not to cook and have something decent. My only complaint is the serving sizes out are so huge. Also, most of the time not worth taking left overs. I used to take home scraps to the animals but don't any more since I really don't want them fat and the elderly dog doesn't need anything to mess up his liver more. I still have yet to take his urine in. Will probably do that today. They are going to test him for Cushion's Disease. He is doing OK though and has his days. Will know more about the options for him later this month.

I have been making list to help me with getting things done. My list is getting done very slowly. I'm just really trying to get back into the groove and find it hard. I start off good then I'm moody. Like a damn roller coaster of emotions. It really is the grief I feel and it will all level out in time. It is just one wild ride. I have to chunk everything down to digestible bites in my life at the moment are it is so overwhelming for me to get what I need to get done. No one ever died of a messy dirty house, I don't think. I'm not going to die of my disorganization at the moment either . It does cause me anxiety though and it will get done. I have so many things that I want to do this year. Summer is so short here it sets me in a panic to waste the precious days of summer. Anyway, I'm going to really start rambling and don't need to do that . I need to finish my coffee even though it is late in the morning. I probably won't enjoy my coffee tomorrow with a sore mouth. Choke another smoke down and get ready for the dentist. If I feel like it tomorrow I will blog. I have some positive news to share also and just mundane life.

Coping

2011-06-09T08:35:00.003-04:00

I really don't feel like writing. I will give an update. My Father and grandmother died. I expected my grandmother to die as she was almost 93 and on hospice. My father I didn't expect to die and it was unexpected. He passed June 5th. The week long saga with my father in the hospital felt like a million years. I had a drunken melt down and have been doing Ok now. Slowly, I'm getting back to life. I'm getting back to where I drink less. I'm still drinking to much right now and I know it and will do something about it in the near future. I really don't need any lectures. I'm having a hard time in the evening and cry a lot in the night. I do get to sleep but it is after I have held it together all day.

I have just ton of crap to get done and very slowly it is getting done. A ton isn't getting done. I'm barely eating because I can't be bothered to cook or deal with it. I did finally get my ass to the grocery store so hopefully I will have a vegetrain meal of some form of Ratouille. It is very easy on the stomach. My stomach has been in knots. I'm back to hating food which isn't good. It is nice to lose weight though. This just isn't the right way to do it. I will gradually get back to food and have a normal relationship with it. Basically, I have no structure in my life and I need to find a balance in the near future. I'm hanging mentally by a thread. I do know logically it will all work out and I just need time. Everything will get back to normal. I tell myself that and I gain some solice thinking that. I'm not looking forward to my journey with my grief with my father. I sorted out my grandmother emotionally and I'm in a good place with that. I really feel defeated at the moment in my life. Actually, I have had it and can't handle anymore shit. I have had my fill in the past year.

Hopefully, today, I will pick up my laundry from the laundry mat. I had them do it. I will eat a decent meal and not fastfood or nothing at all. I won't do a booze diet. I will deal with some basic life problems such as paying bills, my health(walk) and this messy house that looks like a bomb of beer and wine bottles have went off. I need to start making list again as my brain isn't present. Slowly but surely , I will get back to the basic things people do everyday. I will even slowly get back to enjoying life. It really can be so short for some people and I want to enjoy it.

Waiting for the phone

2011-05-31T08:14:00.003-04:00

I wait patiently for the dreaded phone call from the chaplain at the hospital to inform me that my father is dead. It has got to that now. They have resustated him to times yesterday and finally put in a ventilator. The hospital asked for his next of kin which is me. I'm not there so they will call if they need anything. My mother isn't legally married to my father and unlike Canada they have no laws for common law marriage. My parents divorced when I was four and my mother remarried had another family got divorced then several years later started up a relationship with my father for the next 20 plus years. I hate explaining my family as it is weird but normal to me. Legally, though she is screwed and that is why I'm his next of kin because I'm his only child. So, I have the nice task of releasing his body to the funeral home and making funeral plans over a thousand miles away on a phone.
I sleep with the phone as I have been warned that I probaly will get that dreaded call. I have both my homephone and cell charged for that dreaded call. I'm not flying back as it probaly wouldn't do any good. I wouldn't make it in time either. I have no one to pick me up at the airport either. That was my fathers job to do that with family. Nothing like the five hour drive to the airport and back. Everything is complicated with my grandmother dying and someone always has to be with her as she is on the final stages of dying. Anyway, my father has always informed everyone if he shall die he will have no funeral and will be cremated. He in no way wants anyone to come, period... I will respect his wishes. Even though he has never considered other peoples wishes. He is an odd fellow. Before, he really took a turn for the worst, I called to talk to him at the hospital to see how he was doing. He couldn't be bothered to talk to me. I just thought it was being him. I said it sounds like you don't want to talk. He said NO and I said I love you and he said it back. That was the last time I spoke to my father. The reason at the time he was worried about my phone bill. Did I give a fuck about my phone bill? Hell, No. Will, I probaly ever talk to my father again and the answer is probaly not. Will we ever talk about the fluff we talked about probaly not. It isn't like we ever spoke about anything serious as he never went there. But I will miss our talk about our animals or his weird rants. He was bipolar also.

I'have to just go on today with my regular life to find any sanity. I have to get out of this house today as it is starting to choke the air out of me. I have to get the sun on my skin and the fresh air in my lungs. I have to get something decent to eat today. I need to feel something except this numbness and horrible surreal feeling.

The straw that broke the camels back

2011-05-30T11:50:00.002-04:00

A quick post. I got a phone call two days ago to say my father was being rushed to the hospital. He had a heart-attack again . Well, now it is two days later and he is in renal failure(kidney failure) and heart failure. He has septis (blood poisoining) also . It looks very grim for him. I'm not postive as who would be when the facts are not good. Some of my family is religious and hang on to prayer and false postivity. I don't. All the prayer in the world wont fix the man. Science has more of a chance to fix him if his body doesn't all fail. My family is behaving at it's worse and I'm also. I just can't handle anymore anything. I snapped the other night and I'm not proud of it. Sometimes, a person can only deal with so much. I rather isolate from my toxic family and that is how I'm dealing with my own crap as I don't need there shit. I will post later but have bad cramps and my head feels as foggy as hell. It doesn't help that I had one hell of a hang-over the other day.

I absolutely hate PMS

2011-05-27T08:04:00.004-04:00

I absolutely hate PMS. I become another person mentally once a week once a month. Never fails me and works like clockwork. I become more mental than ever. I even pretty much can predict my not so regular periods by my mood and outlook on life.It really is amazing what PMS can do to a person. My head is mush. I can hardly string sentences together lately much less remember how to spell. It is very frustrating. I have so many ideas spinning in my head during this time of month. This time of month I try not to even go into public. I'm impatient, irritable etc. I can't deal with the public very much as I think at this time the general public can go get bent. They bother me. Especially in the area where I live. After an outing my blood is boiling. I can go from helping an old man get an item off the shelf to wanting to rip someones Else's head off for congesting an isle.

I become neurotic,paranoid,insecure, and sometimes psychotic. I have tried to address PMS in so many different ways over the past. Short of getting it all yanked out. I have tried ever method under the sun. I just accept that part of my life that I might be a lunatic for a week whether it might be mild or severe. Amazing enough I do remember one time my mood was so stable and that was when I was pregnant and also breastfeeding years and years ago. No period and I was a half way normal person. I 'was very lucky the whole time I breastfeed I didn't have the dreaded curse of my period or moods for the most part. I even had Endometriosis real bad in my late twenties. I was prescribed lupron shots that was suppose to make me stop ovulating which then in turn would decrease hormones and cyst etc and allow swelling go down. The shot induces temporary menopause. I was one of the few on the shot that actually still had a period. I'm special like that (lol) If a medication has a rare side-effect or my body isn't suppose to accordingly act like it says on a medication I'm that blessed one percent or ten percent of people that experience's the not so pleasant side effects. My body doesn't like being poisoned by medication of very harsh substances. That didn't even fix PMS. It did though shrink my ovaries like it was suppose to. It also manage to give me horrible menapause symptoms and a period every month. Remember , I'm special like that (lol) I regress and loose my train of thought.

Back to PMS and period. This month is tolerable. My head is spinning like a record though. Insomnia is not my friend and would love more sleep. I would also love not to ramble. I don't like having to isolate myself either whether it is by choice or part of me being agoraphobic (insert label any neurotic label here) . I hate this time of month. I can get the bag of labels out and probably label many psychiatric conditions this time of month. I generally don't though because most things go away or come down to an acceptable level. Until probably next week I will hide out or have minimal contact with the outside world and try to keep my mouth shut.

The mouse that scared the elephant

2011-05-26T07:26:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I did a follow up at a nursing outpost. I was surpised by how nice the staff was and how great my nurse is going to be. I actually have more faith in her because of how detail oriented she is and also her personality. She took my info and took my blood pressure. It was high but lower than it has been in awhile. I should say stable high. That has been good enough for the last doctor I went to. it wasn't good enough for her. She also gave me a little talk about my smoking. Generally, I don't listen to that part of my health. I listened this time. She was an ex-smoker that still struggled. She was realistic about it and gave some good advise. She was also not fit or skinny and gave realistic advise about exericse and eating . My problem with the both of those things is either I exercise and eat good for awhile but stop when my mood is not into it. For me it is going to have to be more of a rountine I stick to and not when it suites my mood.

She wanted me yesterday to wear a 24 hour blood pressure monitoring holter machine . To get a true sense of my blood pressure. It was fine until it just malfunctioned. I will have to go back and have it fixed or reprogrammed. It isn't the most comfortable thing to be hooked to for 24 hours. For the several hours I had it on yesterday before I realized it wasn't working I was more aware of the spikes in my blood pressure. The machine has a button to push when your having an event. Me and J was joking I stress out all the time everything is an event. After, the machine will collect the data, I will go back in a week. If it is on the high side I will be scheduled to see the doctor that makes visits to get prescribed another blood pressure pill as the nurse has her doubts about how well my blood pressure medication is working. I dread it as I hate switching any meds and getting used to the side-effects. It has took this last month to get used to the ones I'm on and not be extremely exhausted. It is helping me think about lifestyle changes even more as it is cheaper in the long run and I hate taking any meds. For the most part I have changed my eating over the past couple of years. It will be more exercise, stop smoking and managing my anger and stress. After, writing that I think pills are easier (lol)

Finally, a scary story for me but funny story. Last night I was in bed trying to go to sleep. The cat was laying on my side. I felt her back claws rip into me jumping off of me. The next thing I hear was little squeaks. The next thing I know is I'm laying on top of J screaming turn of the light. Well J was smashed under my big body. I couldn't bring myself to get off and when I did move I ended up laying on J's legs. Finally after awhile I moved. The cat was killing her prey a little to slow for me. As she would get a grip she would let go and do it again and again making the rodent scream. I was screaming at J to get whatever she killed away from her. The cat dropped it on her scratching post and didn't want J to take it away. J said it was a vole and threw it outside somewhere. I have a phobia of anything rodent. It will send me into a panic. I get a paralying fear if I see or hear one. I also scream like a little girl when I see one. I don't know why they scare me so bad. It isn't like they will hurt me. It is very silly actually and I know it. I feel embrassed about having such a horrible phobia of rodents. It took me forever to get used to my daughters pet rat. It took me basically several years to look at it or touch it. It was very nice also. I wouldn't go into her room with that rodent in there. It took basically the last year of its life to deal with it. I'm still not wild about the idea of any pet rodent. Out of sight out of mind Im ok. I really can't tolerate the wild variety of any rodent. I think they are nasty and filthy carrying germs. I have nothing against rodents but stay out of my house. I bet it is a sight to see someone as tall and as big as me climbing the walls when I see one or couches ,beds etc screaming. I know I look silly. I didn't sleep well at all last night thinking their could be another one somewhere.

Tired&Tornadoes

2011-05-25T09:25:00.005-04:00

I have been in my own little world since the tornadoes have hit in Joplin, MO. Joplin was home for me for many years(14 plus) and I still have friends and ex in-laws that live there. My parents live about 80 miles from Joplin. The storms and still affecting Southwestern Missouri commonly called the Ozarks.
I have been in shock and disbelief as Joplin is a place full of memories good and bad. My old house was wiped off the map and so was so many other people that I knows property totally destroyed. I even had a friend injured. He had a collapsed lung. He is doing better. He was trying to protect his girlfriend and son from debris.

It all happened when I turned on the weather to check it Sunday. I was wondering when I could mow. It has been unseasonable rainy in Ontario. It has been like monsoon season. Anyway, it said Joplin was hit by a tornadoes. My first thought was panic as I knew my daughter was in that area visiting her father. I called my mother and told her about the tornado and if K my daughter was at home and OK. She just got back from that area before all hell broke lose. I was satisfied but after checking one of my facebook accounts got even more worried. I called my daughter and told her about how horrible it was there from reports of my friends. She thought I was just being overly nuts and concerned. I told her she better call her grandma and aunt to see if they where OK. It took her awhile but they where OK. So was her father. The next day she didn't think I was over reacting and being crazy. The news of all the destruction to the media got out slowly but then quickly. The media focuses on key points of the hospital walmart and home depot. The thing is that is just a tip of an iceberg about all the homes and businesses in that area that hit. The area it hit was heavily concentrated with homes and businesses. The area it hit by the hospital was known as the medical mile. Housing many doctors offices etc. The hospital is also houses a lot of psych patients also. It has a major psych ward. If you look at blown out pictures of the hospital look at the top floors where it was hit and you can see vaguely where it was with the windows having heavy metal screens on some of those windows. I have been scooped up in a net and put there many of times. I knew the psych ward well in that town.

My mind is a little fried from all this and trying to help friends find the resources they need. The area doesn't have anything but texting and facebook. They just can't google something on the computer. Most have limited Internet access. They rely on facebook posting and emergency radio. I have been trying to find important info for them. Also, waiting and wondering if some are alive. I have found most of them but not my old neighbours. My days are endless sitting and listening to the horrible destruction on emergency radio feeds, police feeds and facebook. I have been trying to stop fixating on this whole thing as it is no good for my mental health. It also brought back some PTSD from losing my house to a fire years ago in Joplin. I really thought I was over it and got better. It just brings back those feelings of totally despair, shock, grief, numbness and a whole range of other things. It also makes me sick to see the media capitalize on the victims. I don't know how you would feel being interviewed after you lose everything but it is very evasive and not very sensitive at all. That is an understatement. It really isn't very consensual at all because no one really is in there right mind after such a major loss. The poor people of Joplin look so shell shocked. I can see reporting the devastation but for heaven sakes let the tragedy of human and property loss sink in before trying to stick a microphone in there faces. You know in a week or so the news outlets will move on and find the next area of destruction or tragedy doing the same thing. If anything they know how to make a buck and have huge ratings off of human tragedy. Off of my soapbox.

I'm going to try to just have a normal day today. I have a medical apportionment today. I'm going to an outpost nursing station today. Mainly, to get follow up and my blood pressure meds filled.

Ouch

2011-05-19T13:43:00.002-04:00

I have been basically been living on the couch for about the last four or five days in a hazy painful fog. I managed to develop dry socket. It finally donned on me today to use some oral jel pm which is like paste in my tooth socket. It was wonderful and most of the pain went all away. I was thinking about going back to the denist to get my socket packed but the thought of seating in his office for along time as he is so packed and backlogged didn't appeal to me. It has felt like I have had a nasty flu on top of it. I think the nasty flu feeling came from breaking down and using the pain pills. I thought i was taking darvocet and looked at the bottle after a few days and it wasn't darvocet but oxycodone. It totally wiped me out and made me very sick to my stomach and very itchy. Made my head feel funny also like it was numb. It is very efficent with pain though so I broke down and put up with all the side-effects. I'm glad I ran out of it though. It made me so constipated that I ended up having to take some laxative. Oh the joys of naroctics.

Since, I google everything , I googled dry socket. I had it years ago getting my wisdom teeth took out. It basically is a condition that is a matter of time to heal and not much can be done except packing the socket which takes away the pain. The tissue from what I understand generates in seven days. My head and jaw has felt like it could fall off or explode. It has very much limited what I could tolerate to eat and keep down. Between the pain pills and the dry socket I lost 5lbs in a week. I was convinced if I could get a solid meal down me I would feel so much better. I was right. Sometimes, illness and pain causes other problems and it ends up a train wreck. Or for me on the couch for days to sick and in pain to do anything. I'm not to upset to lose weight as I needed to lose it. I have actually for some reason started losing weight about for the last two months. I just don't care for food as much. Just some cutting sweets out and a few other things here and there has been a drop of about 15lbs. I have been cutting salt out for the past month and it seems to have helped also. Maybe , not retaining the water that I was retaining. I think that really has to do with the blood pressure meds I have been on also has helped. My feet used to be swollen a lot and are never swollen anymore.

Anyways, I hate pain and being sick. I was such on track before this and I feel so disorganized, at a lost to where to pick back up again. The house looks like a bomb has went off and I just shake my head. It is amazing how thinks can snowball in a week to being a disaster zone. It is very overwhelming. Everything goes to hell around here real bad when I'm not well. Some anger creeps in about how everything goes to hell with J. J is so little help when I'm sick or in pain. Nothing stays remotely picked up or anything. I'm lucky if I get fed when I'm sick. Or it is on J's time. I'm told after I finish this 2nd smoke or whatever. I'm not into waiting a half an hour for something when I want it. It was very patheic the lack of everything that wasn't done this past week and I'm pretty mad about it. I actually started to get extremely cranky about it a couple of days ago. I rarely ask J to take care of anything and when I do I'm totally let down. It does me no good to discuss it with J at the moment either. J is a total mental wreck. I can be a total mental wreck and suck it up and do what needs to be done when someone needs me but J can't it just overwhelms J more to have demands made. J thinks that J is doing more around the house. Yeah, J is but it just really is not enough. Compared to what J used to do for the last four years which was basically nothing , it is an improvement. It is so frustrating for me though. I have been learning the art of letting go . I feel defeated with any standard of anything around this house or life and it reinforces the reason why I don't rely on anyone. It is very sad at times. I have told myself it will get better and for four years it just is starting to improve a little. I got to a point a longtime ago that if it improves it will be nice but if it doesn't I didn't care anyways. It is easy to think that way when you don't have to rely on someone to do anything. I have had to rely on J much more since I have had a heart attack. I'm so looking forward to going to the doctor next week to start getting back to the physical level and doing things on my own like I was before. This month has sucked in many ways but has opened my eyes also. My at peace feeling is leaving me and I need to figure out how to get back to it. Probaly because I haven't took care of myself in the past week and have been to cranky and in pain to be bothered.

Free Flow

2011-05-12T13:19:00.000-04:00

I started some of my dental extractions yesterday. I'm a little sore and tender. I think the freezing agent they used jacked up my mood a bit. Slept like crap and hardle at all last night. It wasn't all bad as I sat up in silence and just thought a lot. I don't know how silent it was as I could hear all the wildlife outside which was nice. I was in a peaceful frame of mind as the spring peepers didn't drive me nuts with the peeping. Spring peepers are small frogs. They are loud and sound exactly like the name. PEEP, PEEP over and over again. Usually, a ton of them also. In certain moods they keep me awake. I didn't even get nervous with something prowling the backyard bumping into things. I never know if it is a racoon or a blackbear. Usually, the thought of a bear in the spring puts the anxiety in me. I just enjoyed the cool breeze and my thoughts. It has been awhile where I have been up most of the night just thinking and mauling over parts of my life. Not even regretting them or fretting. I didn't write anything down but just let my mind just menader where it wanted to go. I didn't need to remember what I thought just the feelings associated with it and the insights that I recieved getting to the point. My brain can be all over the place even in the best of times. I even confuse myself getting to the points of actual concerete ideas. It isn't really all that important how I arrive at the concerete anymore. I used to anazyle to much in the past. My thinking is pretty ADD. It always has been even when I'm so called "normal". I think myself into a big black hole when I try to be conventional and go by other peoples rules or try to use self help books . I can't remember where I seen this but I once seen something from someone that goes like this. I don't need to be fixed because I'm not broken. I just need to change how I react to things. Which is true for me. I have managed to get through life and survive and overcome many , many things. I don't think that a broken person could survive many things I have experianced. Each sad horrible thing that has happened in my life has taught me how to react and that has been good and bad. I could go on and on about my life of war stories but I don't. The past isn't imporant to me much anymore. Most of the time I have just accepted it and even forgave people. I never forgot though. I learned a lot of lessons on trust, boundaries and most of all acceptance, as it has gave me a more of a free mind.
I don't know where I'm going with this except a free flowing rambling of my mind. I feel introspective and calm. I even stopped taking my darvocet as it was making me feel dizzy and itchy. I just took a few of them yesterday. I rather live with the pain as most pain meds make me sick. It was nice though to take the edge of though. It also makes me dig very deep in myself to be annoyed with nagging dull pain . Pain also makes my thoughts all over the place. Yesterday, I had a migraine, shoulder pain and mouth pain. Today, I have a dull pain in different various places. I'm taking nothing. Sometimes, I just accept I feel like crap and can't do much. My body is saying to relax. I can live with dull pain even if it wears me out. It is much better than agonizing pain which I can't take for any lengths of time. My wandering mind helps with all the distractions in this time and actually helps me deal with not focusing on anything. Sometimes, I need to go to my happy place. My happy place is basically just shutting down into a void of all thought. I don't know exactly what it is or how I achieve it. It is a nice place to escape though in times of physical pain.
Going to go lay down for awhile and achieve nothing today. I'm fine with it though.

I can't come up with a witty title

2011-05-10T14:47:00.005-04:00

I can't believe it has been a week since I have wrote. I don't even know where to start with an update. I have been very busy in my own way. I was suppose to go bottle wine today but felt crappy (psychially). I have had some bouts of angina the past two days. Nothing serious though just need to slow down and stop over doing it and my never ending quest to handle my stress and anger. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not a type a personality. Some times I can be pretty Type A. I'm not ambitious or competive anymore. The things I can be at times are very impatient ,time-conscious, and preoccupied. My preceptions depending on mood can colour my outlook and are part of my bipolar. I can be high strung then be so easy going also. No matter what mood I'm time-conscious when it comes to appoinments and anything I have to show up for. I'm not so picky about my personal time with things like goals or work I do for myself. My time for my personal things has turned up side down since my heart attack. I feel so disorganized with my life and know it will even out in time. My life recently has been so chaotic with appoinments, errands, personal problems.

I have been going through an on going ordeal with my old dog. The vet suspects liver disease. He went in again yesterday for a bile test for his liver. Last week he went in after I collect a urine specimen in the morning and then took him for blood work. He has been to the vet twice after fasting for 12-14 hours for blood work. We haven't been billed yet but I suspect it is going to be high. After, this last blood test I decided to do no more testing and he can live till he gets to the point he has no quality of life. I'm willing to change his diet if need be and put him on medication. I will know later this week when his bile concentration test come back from the lab. I just can't take another dogs death this summer.

My Grandma is in her last stages of dying. She is 94 so it isn't a big shock and has been declining rapidly for some time. I still love the woman though and it isn't nice to waste away dying and the whole nasty process she is going through. I really feel for my mother and my Grandma is dying at her house. My mother has been her caretaker for many years. I finally ask for some pictures of her as she is right now. Part of me didn't want to see as she was a robust woman 3 years ago when I last saw her. I needed to see as it helps me help my mother through the grief process to see exactly what she is going through. Death is so santized when it is out of sight out of mind for a family. It also is one thing to study death and dying and write papers on it ( I used to) and live the process. One side of my family is almost died. I have lost 6 relatives in a relative short time. I think what hurt me the most was when our two dogs died very close to each other last year. It was literally the straw that broke the camels back with all the death that has been going on in my life. It finally allowed me to grief the other deaths in my life. Which has been for the past year. I'm much better about the grief and have went through the proper stages after even been stuck. I know for me at times I still grieve even though it isn't as fresh. Time has helped over the last several years meaning it isn't as raw. I'm not a big person on showing other people my feelings and I hate crying. Many people don't see that side of me and won't. It really is only for me and sometimes J. That is just how I'm and it isn't going to change. I have been very strong for my mother during many of these deaths and my grandma dying but as soon as I have been either out of sight or off the phone , I fall apart. It isn't a time for me getting overly stressed or emotional as it doesn't help with my angina.

I have been gradually getting back to some of my spirituality. It has been slow but it is a way I have handled stress and emotional times. I tend to lean towards buddhism philosophy even though I have been terrible with the off and on again practice. I have been meditating again and even using my mala. For those who don't know what a mala is basically it is prayer beads or meditation beads. I think off hand my mala has 108 beads. It helps me concentrate or sometimes pray in my own way. Not like western religion though. One thing my mala does for me is gives me a sense of safety and peace. It really helps me with my anxiety. It has such a nice vibe when I hold it and very comforting. I have also recently been using visual imagery in my head to help me relax and be. It is nice to escape in postive mental imagery and a person can do it regardless if they have any faith in anything or not. I basically respect anyones religion if they are not beligerent and radical about it. I tend not to be very judgemental when people are not violating my rights. I don't like many things in life but that is what true tolerance is about. What I can't stand is other people violating other peoples rights. No matter whether I would do it or not. Enough rambling.

Oh, dental update if you read this far. I'm so glad I left that other denist. I start my dental saga tomorrow with the one I went to a couple of years ago. It is going to cost so much less plus I trust him. All, the work is going to cost 1,800 and that includeds the partial, extractions, and to restore my bottoms. My bottom teeth are pretty perfect except a broken tooth and a cavity in another. I will still have a few teeth in my upper mouth to be able to hold the upper plate. I'm happy with the price and trust his judgement with what he is taking out and leaving. I don't feel like a endless money pit either. My visit with him last week cost me 25 dollars for a dental plan. I couldn't of been happier.

I will wrap up this saga.

Snap Crackle Pop

2011-05-03T08:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went to a dental appoinment to meet the denturist that works with the denist. Oh it was a nightmare. I had to meet with the denturist because I needed a upper teeth as I elected to not spend wads of money trying to restore them but keep the bottoms as they need work but not much.
The guy walks in "I guess you haven't took care of your teeth" chuckle. I wanted to say your an idiot and the array of things and bubble thoughts went through my head. Not a great way to introduce yourself . Plus it is insulting regardless why my teeth are the way they are. Strike one. Open mouth and he checks my teeth and pulls on them and exclaims why are you going to get some dentures. He never looked at the xrays etc. Me: They are bad and I don't have thousands and thousands to rehab them. Him: I don't agree. He rolls eyes at me and says it is your body I can't tell you what to do. etc. I'm the consumer , I'm not a endless bottomless pit for money . Do what I tell don't give me shit. The denist agreed with me about my teeth after looking at xrays and looking at them. (or I thought) Strike two. Oh this really ticked me off this one. It seemed like the denturist was not sure why I was there. Hmm.. I was suppose to be having teeth pulled in like 9 days. He was surpised. I was surpised he didn't know. They are suppose to corrindate that stuff. He walks out the door and has a conversation loud enough with the denist I hear it. It goes something like this: Denturist: Why are you going to pull those teeth? When are you going to? You need to move up the scheduling etc. The dentist a two face snseaky snake says . I told her I could just fill them. (lie) Believe me if I could just have some fillings I would jump on it. I can't remember the rest today. But the denist was a complete two faced liar.

I was hopping mad after I left. The whole experiance with that place was bait and switch. It began with a promise of looking at my teeth for 50 bucks that ended up costing over 250 the first time. That should of alerted me in the first place. I was stupid in the first place. Xrays always cost money. Well, it gets better. I get a quote for about a grand to do some work. I thought hmm. cheap but I have had dental work pretty cheap in this area so I didn't question it much. Then that week-end in the mail I get the true estimate for doing some extractions and some basic fillings and cleaning. This quote was 4 grand that didn't include the partials. They basically wanted 200 hundred to pull a tooth. Plus all kinds of misc. I was going to do it but I hated it and deep down thought something was real wrong with the picture and something stank bad like dishonesty. I could go on and on about this piece of work denist and denturist.

I was upset and discussed it with J later that day after having a frustrating day with some other things also. Did I mention the town I live in is SLOW. I could say some other mean things also about it but I was pissed by the time out of the dentist . So, anything one of the local rubes would do around here would make me mad where I usually suck it up and make some remark but don't let it anymore get me going. The day was just compounding to me exploding or mostly emploding. J said it look like I was going to have a stroke. I guess I was pretty mad. I should of just went home and not tried to get some pizza. Reminder to self never go out to eat in this town when angry or any other kind of emotion because it is lousy and the service is horrible. It just makes my anger worse about how slow people move in this town. I have to be severely depressed to eat out in this town. I don't expect anything in that mood and don't care at all. They can be very slow and very under average with the heated up crap they serve . Most any other time it is an assault on my tastebuds. The insanity with me is me expecting them to change there ways and it will be better after a year or two. Well, it is just insanity. Because it doesn't change. The only thing to eat that is decent in this town is sandwhichs and soup or the mobile grill, chip shack. Pretty much not a seat down dining experiance.

I'm rambling... I got back home and talked to J and after J said what I was thinking. I was thinking the man was a crook and didn't trust either one of those men. I picked up the phone book and looked to see if they had someone else different to do this work. I used to like my other denist in this area as he did some emergency work for me over the years. It didn't advertise he did such work. So, I called and to my ill research he did about anything. Also, found out he charged half to do an extraction. Better yet , I trust this guy as he is kind and doesn't BS and is proffesional. I called back the other place in a nice way and said I just had problems all around with the place. Expressed, my anger and cancelled all my appoinments and said I would be picking up my xrays today. Called back the other place and made an appoinment and fill very happy about a second opinion and will actually trust this denist judgement with what really needs to be done. As, he doesn't see me as a gold mine. I'm willing to spend money but only what is fair and not be gouged and took advantage of. It felt very impowering to change all of this .

Sunny Day

2011-04-30T14:16:00.000-04:00

It is such a nice day today. It has rained pretty hard off and on for about a week. It is nice and warm today. First day really of any warmth here. About 70F or 18C for an estimate. The daffodils are finally coming up and looking so pretty. Something, about bright colours that make me happy. The tulips are inching up pretty steady and hopefully in a week or two they will be in bloom. I planted many bulbs last year and forgot what I planted so I'm thrilled to see what colours I planned or I will be very surpised. It will be something to see as I generally am in a higher mood when I buy so many bulbs. It will probaly be very colourful if not a tacky arraigment of colours. Who knows. That is why I said I will be surpised:)
The ice went out of the lake about a week ago . I think anyway. I just managed the other day to walk in the backyard to look at it. It is so nice to see water again and also see that our dock held up in the brutul ice and winter. I can't wait till June when it will probaly be warm enough to swim in. I really look forward to swimming and floating around in the lake.
Today, is actually nice enough to bbq. How I have missed my Green Egg. I look forward to getting back to using it a lot as it is so idiot proof and easy to cook on. I really do need easy and healthy at the minute. I also always have loved no dishes. I hate washing dishes. I love easy clean up also. I like anything that makes life easier.
I did manage to walk around slowly yesterday and throw some grass seed out to reseed the lawn. You can't go wrong with grass seed that will grow on cement:) It is lovely grass when it grows so easy and you don't have to do all the complicate reseeding methods and watering all the time. I had J do the fertlizing this year. I just love nice grass that is soft that you can go barefooted on. I hate shoes and socks. Have had my sandals on for awhile even though it has been cold. Oh the freedom of sandals and not heavy clunky snow boots. I literally lost a good 5-10 pounds shedding those boots. Story on my snow boots was I accidently bought construction , steel shanked ones with steel toes in them. They where so warm and like wearing weighs around my ankles I kept them. I'm really like that story princess and the pea when it comes to finding just the right boot. I have like four pairs of various ugly snow boots. I love various shoes if I have to wear them. Love the different sandals and tennis shoes. Blackflie season will be shortly here and I will have to put the shoes back on to not get ate up.
It is very important to enjoy the nice weather because when the trilliums come up the blackflies will be out. They last a couple of weeks hopefully. The mosqutioes last longer but I don't hate them as much. I had the garden dug awhile back so will have J start planting. I was going to do it sooner but life came knocking. I look forward to puttering around the garden this year. I planted one last year and the girls (dogs) died and I had no passion for much and let it go. I can't believe Spud has been gone for almost a year. It seemed just like yesterday. I can actually finally think of her without crying and actually smile some. I still have my moments since both Spud and Flora died so close together. Next week , I have to deal with Brett and the vet. I postponed it till this coming Thursday and I won't be happy but I think I can deal with it. Either they can help him or I will have to think about putting him down. The old man has been through so much with me and has been such a loyal friend. But I'm prepared. I have been through so much this past last year nothing is much of a surpise to me and really has taught me I can deal with just about anything. It has also taught me to enjoy the small moments also as anything or anyone can be here one moment and gone the next. I have had grief in the past but this last year I really had to deal with it and really go through the stages and just not just get stuck.
Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the nice day. Absorb the sun and try to have fun and not take myself that serious.

Doing Better

2011-04-29T16:52:00.000-04:00

I'm very tired today. It seems lately my sleep is just a little off. It has to do mostly with weird dreams that make no senses what so ever. I have been doing very well though physically and mentally. Physically, I'm back to doing light housework and doing some light walking at a very slow pace. Mostly, just walking around the yard and a little bit of getting out and going to the store. Mostly, to the store to just go out. Just really picking up bits and pieces. So, I can leave at anytime that I start getting tired or have chest pain. It has been a real adjustment. I'm used to doing everything fast and walk very fast. I have had to slow down so much since this heart-attack. It has been very frustrating. I do try to keep mentally and physically active in some way because I don't want to fall into a severe depression. As, it is real easy when I'm not active and the whole thing of how I used to be so strong.
It is kind of ironic that I had a heart -attack being as strong as I was. At the same time it wasn't. Mix bad blood pressure and extreme physical exercertion, extreme stress and I realize now not coping with anger is a super bad ingertents for a mild heart attack. Before, I had a heart-attack I was literal acting like a bulldozer removing trees and doing very strentous yard work after being dormant with my shoulder for a couple of months. My judgement was very off as I was very stressed, angry and getting manic. I actually can see how people die of exhaustion now.
It has been a real lesson to me to slow down physically and emotionally. Anger now raises my blood pressure the most. I'm starting to have to talk it out more and not get so angry and stuff it. It also has taught me to pace myself. Pacing myself has been hell. When I want something done , I just want it done (period) I generally wont stop when I want something done or just want to achieve . I get yelled at now if I forget to go at a slower pace. My body also tells me to slow the hell down. Nothing like some chest pain to slow you down. Example, the other day I ran for the phone as the cat knocked it down and I couldn't find it. I totally forgot that I don't jog or run even if it is an important call. It can wait. I felt chest pain. It is so weird I have patients for somethings in life but not for other things. Or my patients can wear thin over a period of time for somethings.Generally, situtations that haven't changed in years or I see very very slow progress with. I'm being evasive but will get to it sometime when I'm ready.
I have been so much more postive in the last ten days. I'm just extremely happy to be alive. It was such a scar. I'm so happy that my heart and blood pressure meds are actually working. I also have less anxiety. I think I confused anxiety for high blood pressure and warning signs for a heart attack and stroke. I used to have severe anxiety attacks at one time and the impending sense of doom and dying is a bit different but similar. The arm hurt different and so did the chest. But as a person that has been in the mental health system for alongtime you start doubting yourself. You label it depression, anxiety, etc. Lesson take physical pain serious and don't think it is in your head as most of the industry will make you believe. I'm very thank-ful J made me go to the hospital. I was lucky J used to work in CCU for years and nag me to go. I generally never listened to J and kept going back when my meds and blood pressure wasn't leveling with meds. They are working great now. I still have some life-style adjustments to do but in time they will get done. Looking forward to life like I haven't in alongtime.

Still Kicking

2011-04-25T07:16:00.001-04:00

I had a crummy birthday yesterday and also Easter. I had plans to make a dinner but didn't feel up to it. J didn't make a fuss of it either. The only presents I got where from my family.I pretty much slept the whole day. When I was up I was pretty emotional. I'm getting a little better about not being dso depressed and emotional.
I was told it is common after a heart attack to be emotional and depressed. It is hard to have so much life in me and have to do nothing except lay on the couch. I feel frustrated most days now.

I guess I'm getting used to my meds as today has been the first day I haven't been dizzy. I get a little stronger each day. Or I tell myself that as Im not a person that wants to seat on my butt. I have a dental appoinment today and that is a postive . To get my teeth fix would help my self-esteem as I used to have pretty teeth and the psych meds made them terrible.

I'm going to try to do some activitys today as my body will tolerate it

High Blood Pressure

2011-04-23T01:42:00.000-04:00

I have had a interesting week. My blood pressure has been off the charts. Some of those lovely jems have beeen 158/120 with a pulse over 120. 165/140 etc. My blood pressure has made me feel terrible. I stayed most of the day at the hospital one day with all sorts of tests, cat-scan to see if I had a stroke and other blood test.

Felt like crap the next day as my blood pressure wasn't lowering at all. I was an emotional mess as I was having angine and some other sysmptoms. Anxiety was taking over and it was bad.

The next day went back to ER with chest pains and high bloood pressure. I was put on two more pills which makes it three. This time the doctor gave me all the paperwork and x-rays and scans for my follow up appoinment I have in May. I found my paperwork interesting as on one page it did indiciate I possible had a heart-attack. I looked at my CBCs also and had levels that where abnormal also. I was dumbfounded that everything was handled in such a sloopy manner. Now I just have to be patient these blood pressure pills will work and slow my very fast heart.

I have to move slower and get some rest as I'm starting down the road of depression as I'm suppose to avoid stress and tension . I laughed at that. I'm not one to just sit my ass on the couch etc. I'm trying to maintain my sanity. When things settle down I will have to make life style changes. Little by little. I just need things to go back to a better normal and I was doing that until this happened.

Observations

2011-04-18T12:31:00.000-04:00

I have noticed a few things in the past couple of days. The weather really does affect my mood more than I would like to admit to. The weather also effects my body also. It seems gray and dark weather makes my joints and ailements hurt more. I think I'm just more aware of all my aches and pains.

I have also noticed when the SAD lamp doesn't cause me worse head-aches and higher moods, it does wonders. That is short term though as I can't do the SAD lamp very long as it really will push me over the edge.

I have also noticed I really have to eat balanced meals even though I don't feel like eating 3-4 times a day. Also, eating more frequently never allows my blood sugar to get all screwed up and moody as hell. I also sleep very well when I eat right and I'm not hungry when I go to bed. I don't wake up a million times. Eating right also gives me more energy. I have been back on my vitamins again and they are starting to give me some more energy also. I stopped them because they where upsetting my stomach so much. I really have to eat breakfeast taking vitamins. They still cause stomach distress but not as badly. I found probiotic yogurt helps me immensily with my IBS issues and my stomach isn't as bad off.

I'm back to wanting to be healthy again. I try to be more physical even though it hurts my body. I keep telling myself I won't be where I was physically at one time but in time I might. Years of injuring my body with high risk activities have took a toll on me. I'm looking at kinder hobbies. Can't wait till the weather gets nice and everything drys out for golf season. I have been rehabbing my shoulders nicely and hope to have more range and motion back for golf. I have been working through the pain with my shoulders and back with just doing what I need to do. Even though I have my down days. I still have to do a lot of adominal strenghting for my lower back. I'm at a place physically where I can get back to rowing with weights to strenghten my shoulders now. I'm aching to get physical again as I'm not used to being on the couch for months. It killed me mentally this winter not to be able to do the things I like physically.

I also noticed being more physical helps me deal with my anxiety better. It also helps with anger to just keep moving and doing something very physically demanding. It helps my racing mind too.

Interrupted

2011-04-17T08:29:00.001-04:00

One thing that has been bugging me lately is the lack of concentration. It makes things so hard at times. So usually I opt to do brainless manuel tasks in this frame of mind. When it comes to writing it is so hard and I feel like it is all disorganized and jumbled. I just can't have interruptions at all. I got into an argument with J for interrupting me while writing. When writing in this frame of mind , I get distracted and when I'm interrupted I lose my thoughts.

I usually write out in the living room seating on the couch as it is comfortable. It hurts my shoulders and back less. The draw back is interruptions. Here is an example: "Are you chatting?", "Look at that commerical." the list goes on. It is truly annoying trying to write and be interupted. My bubble thoughts are WTF,you know I hardly ever chat and even if I was, why are you interrupting. Or do you really think I give a shit about what the hell is on television? I would be watching tv if I wanted to see it. I never say any of it but I did blow yesterday about getting interrupted as I have told J don't interrupt when I'm writing. If you see my fingers moving be quiet. I did come up with something to help the interruptions. I will now write in the computer room. I have my distractions there but not as many. I told J if you see me in the computer room don't talk to me period. My writing places will get better once we have better weather . I can write in the camper or the shack. The shack is a little building that is just on the cliff on the lake. It is basically a little shelter that is screened from bugs to enjoy the lake on the edge of our property. Frankly, I think it looks like a produce stand. Very functioning though with a bed, table and chair. No electricity though. Which means less distractions.

Talking about distractions, I was writing my pen pal and I wrote four pages. Got distracted many times writing it. It turned out to be crap. I ended up scrapping it. I will have to go back through the letter to pull out the good ideas if they are any. I will start over again and hope it flows better and my ideals are clear and better thought out. I was going to say well thought out. I haven't thought well in awhile. It is coming back slowly and the weather here isn't helping.

The weather is all over the place here. In fact it is snowing today. I want to scream about the snow and lack of sun light. The weather is the weather and I have to deal with it. We had such a nice couple of days last week with warmer temps and bright sun. That didn't last long. Spring is so unpredictable.Back, to winter weather and raining all this coming week. I felt my mood that was starting to even out go the opposite direction to some mixed hell. I brought out the SAD lamp today and hope that it will help when it will be dark, rainy and miserable. It amazes me though going from yard work and gardening to blowing snow again. That was two days ago. I did a lot of yard work and had a ton more to do. My lower back and shoulders really flared up after that though. I'm so sore. I have been getting up and walking like a little old lady. The weather turning has made a lot of my joints hurt. My knee was throbbing yesterday. I didn't even realize my knee hurts as my shoulders take the cake. I just put some biofreeze on and laid down yesterday. It worked. I also had such a throbbing sinus/migraine thing going on yesterday that made me wish I was died. Which brings me to the point if my sinus are acting up why in the hell is it snowing. I like sleeping with the window half open to let the cold air in and can always tell when it is actually spring because it will make me sick as hell with my allergies.

I'm rambling pretty good now and think I will close. I guess I will have to blog more to convey everything I want to say. I don't feel like proof-reading at the moment as it is a chore and I just want to get this out. I haven't been editing post for awhile now. I'm sorry for that as I know it makes it harder to read.

Such As Life-Update

2011-04-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

I blogged six days ago and it seems like a life time ago. The many different stressors in my life isn't very helpful for my memory and concept of time. I have been very busy this past last week and the days seem to all go together and it is hard to have a concept of time.

I have a a lot of different stress going on and that is on going. I have the family saga of chaos going on with my sister and daughters accident and my grandma on hospice getting worse by the day. My grandma lives with my mother and so does my daughter even though she is an older teen-ager. I'm the person my mother gets her emotional support from. Sometimes, it is a very hard job but mostly I'm happy with it. Finally after so many years my mother turns to me and trust me with very difficult things in her life. We have had a very rocky relationship at times and a very dysfunctional relationship through out the years. It helps me knowing she always tried over the years even if it was misguided at times. I'm passed most of the resentments. She still does irritate the hell out of me at times but less frequently. Her life is just so majorly chaotic and sometimes is to much for me to listen to or be subjective even though I maintain very good composure on the phone. It just really wrecks me after I get off the phone. I have been trying to get lighter on the phone since life really shouldn't be a train wreck and away to get through life no matter what is going on is to focus not only on the bad. To focus on trauma and tradegy will make you a basket case. The conversations have to be infused with mundane life and escapism to get through the tough times. Also, it helps seeing humour in the very dark. I know from experience as my life has been anything than a bed of roses and filled with all sorts of lovely trauma and tragedy. The more time I dwell in hell the more life becomes hell.

My, dog is also having health problems which is natural because he is an old dog. It is sketchy what he is suffering from but it is a tumour pressing on his bladder or cushions disease. He isn't suffering that much but is making me and J's life hell with getting up at 4 having to go to the bathroom and up again two hours later having to go out. It is interrupting sleep. He drinks so much and has to go to the bathroom so much. Can't be gone for hours either as he has to go all the time. He also pants all the time unless it is very cool and it doesn't help that he likes to be shoved into one or both of us at all times anymore. I just don't know if I can cope very well with him dying which he is. I just really don't think he has much time left. Mr. Brett is so much to me and has been through eleven and a half years of hell and good times with me. He is my bad boy and my ever so loyal loving dog. He is such a sensitive intuned to feelings dog. I used to joke the dog was bipolar because he picks up and acts my mood. He is hyper by nature since he is a Brittany. A wonderful dog if you have high energy. He was my running partner for years and the poor thing has stiff joints now and doesn't run as far but I don't mind as I don't move like I once did either. We jog short distantances when we feel like it and that isn't much for either one of us. He is still active though in the yard and actually had a good day with me doing yard work and preparing the vegetable garden. I played chase with him and for once it was easy. He is more of a calm dog now and just watches me garden and work where as he used to be a hand ful and want to run and play all the time and not sit still up until this last winter.

J is still doing a med change and it has been hell. I see a bigger positive with J getting off some of the doses but J is still physically ill from it and has a range of moods now within a day. It is the withdrawal process and the brain basically thawing out from the freeze it has endured. This is only the beginning and not near over. I keep telling myself it will get better as it has been getting better. Just new things to deal with now.

I have other things such as the house is falling apart and things need to be replaced and the money to buy major appliances and repairs which would stress anyone out.

The list goes on but I have lost my train of thought which is annoying but I will try to go into these things and more at a later date and try to be not interrupted as I'm now. Which is life.

Crazy Lady

2011-04-10T08:15:00.000-04:00

It is an overcast Sunday morning gradually warming up to what is going to be pleasurable temps today. About, 10-15C or between 50-6o degrees. I'm looking forward to the wonderful weather. Yesterday, was wonderful also weather wise. It didn't start out as such a nice day though. I guess I woke up wrong. I started out OK. I did my usual things I do in the morning and then almost about snapped and went all Psycho/Crazy lady. I didn't want to really go there. In my mind my anger and crazy was justifided. I still had a part of the rational me left. I told J to get me a haldol. I generally don't take meds except when I truly need them and think I'm going to be a train wreck. I really thought I was going to derail and cause a firey crash. My mind was so irrational with thoughts that bordered homicidal. Not that I would ever go that far but it is so uncomfortable to have such rage and anger that isn't in proportion with reality.

I took the two pills. They weren't acting fast enough. I had about 45minutes plus to kill until the meds would start to work. I thought I really had to do something to distract myself and something physical. I had laundry to load to take to town and to clear out the truck. I went outside and started to distract myself. I worked hard unloading things, and gatherering things . While , I was outside, I could hear the birds sing, the woodpecker peck and the ellusive squirell run around. I thought to myself it is hard to be a raging homicidal wreck when it is so nice outside and cheery with the wildlife. When this happened I knew i was being more logical because when I'm in that mood I wouldn't give a flip about some birds singing even though I love nature. The change in pace helped a lot also. Being distracted and inaged in other things helped so much not to fixate in the irrational. During this corse of time , I was very careful about opening my mouth to J. J doesn't deserve for me to go all crazy lady . I did need to voice my anger later on as it was still very real and legit. I waited till I was logical and focused to share my anger. Also, J knows when I say I'm in an irrational place , J doesn't mess with me or talk to me until I'm ready. The animals also seem to get that point also as they stay away from me. When I'm in that state of mind I'm very quiet and must radiate a lot of hostility. My head goes a million miles an hour etc. I think I must have a real intense look and look off my rocker. I had the knack of a look years ago.When I was teaching . One look and some misbehaved kid would think a little harder and start behaving. I know the dogs and cat behaved wonderfully all day yesterday. They have been a handful lately probaly because I have had such a crappy attitude and haven't wanted to bother with anything.

It ended up being a postive day. I did the things I finally have needed to do mentally. I realized how lazy I have been for awhile taking care of myself and allowing my mood to get worse over the months. I was wondering what the hell was wrong with my mood not turning better this time of year as it always turns more postive. Well for me to have more of a postive mood, I always worked at it or it is the ugly mixed crap or negative mania. It was like boom yesterday. I had enough of the way my life has been going and this crap is going to change. It won't change over night but I'm aware of the changes I need to make. Some of it is such basic things that I tend to neglect. Taking Vitamins, eating right and exericsing. The list is actually long but those little things go along ways to a start. I need to start sharing my feelings so I don't have so much anxiety and anger going on also. I got to the point I have just had it in every way and one of those areas was in my relationship with J. I don't know if J will change. But I have to change how I react to J and the lack of what J does and doesn't do.

I'm starting down a road where I'm going to start dealing a little more with how I handle things. I haven't been implusive in a longtime but instead realized I internalized a lot causing me to be more of a mixed wreck. I tired of keeping it all organized in my brain. It turned into a huge mess emotionally for myself where I was feeling dead and numb. Here is a start to a new day. Putting the knowledge I have to work.

Last Week Was Crazy

2011-04-04T07:43:00.000-04:00

This past last week blew by like a tornado. Rough and destructive. I'm glad it is in the past. It has been the most drama in my life in awhile. I hate drama and avoided it like the plaque. When we where in Cambridge visiting my in-laws, I got a call from my mother. It was early in the morning and I could hear her voice that something was wrong. At first I thought my grandmother died. Instead, she told me my daughter, sister and my daughter's best friend was in a car accident. That they where all alive. Relief set in that they where all alive. Then I was told it was a pretty bad accident. My daughter suffered a pretty bad concussion, cuts all over her face, broken collar bone. My sister was the worse injured. Broken pelvis in two places, internal bleeding that results in taking out part of her small intestion and repairing another part. It will be a very long recovery for her as the seat belt damaged her abodmen real bad and they can't close her abdomien from the surgery and will have to pack it and let it heal from the inside out. My daughters friend suffered a broken collar bone and a broken ankle. After, seeing pictures of the car they are all very lucky to be alive.

The drama started when the accident happened . No one knew at the time what happened. Me and my mother sort of had it figured out by some of the things my sister told her when she was in ER trauma unit. My mom would call and call when I was in Cambridge giving me updates. We did find out that my sister caused the accident running a red light. For what ever reason , we will not ever know. The other girls in the car don't remember anything. It is all a nightmare blur to them.I know the girls are suffering from PTSD after the wreck. It was an ordeal for them getting cut out of the car with the jaws of life, all the blood, etc. I don't know what my sister is going through as she has been drugged to the max with pain pumps etc. She has a large posse at her bedside that prefers her not to know the truth. That is where the rub starts. My sister isn't a child and shouldn't be treated like one. My mother is in the cross fire of this and hates it. So, I get a phone call everyday trying to console my mother who has enough on her plate than deal with the irresponsibility of my 38 year old sister and the people who she choices to surround herself with. She hasn't took any responsibility at all for what she has caused. We don't even know the state of the other people who hit her. She rarely ask how the girls are doing and acts like some spoiled ass princess up at the hospital. Total prima donna. It makes me sick to my stomach. My mother was a nurse and J was also an RN for 25 years. We all shake our head and loath how she treats the staff at the hospital. We also know what it means for my sister as she won't be treated so nicely either. It really puzzles me how anyone can act like a baby being so old. Actually, she is acting like a child.

This accident has brought past resentment to light and I'm working on it. This accident was the icing on the cake with my sister. I also feel if she had to hurt anyone the most I was glad it was her since she caused this. I do know that accidents happen but I have never ran a red light in my life and it could of been avoided. I do understand not paying attention causes accidents. The thing is she should take responsibility for what she has done and be truly sorry and not act like the victim. She victimized four other people and countless others that have to deal with the emotional, physical and finical impact of picking up the pieces. It has took me most of the week not to be so angry as it has triggered other shit also from the past.

I hate drama and dread when my phone rings. I subject myself to the drama of my family because my mother has no one else to talk to about it to. I try to stay out of it and neutral like a therapist would but as soon as I get off the phone I'm a mess and very angry. I vent to J about it. It is getting easier and as time goes on and it will , I deal with the emotion and the past. I move on and live my life. Years of therapy has finally paid off even though I haven't done it in years. I have had to apply the knowledge I do have. It has took me years to detach from my dysfunctional family. Also, moving out of the country has help so much. (lol) I have got to a point it isn't productive to bash my sister or her short comings so I change the subject as it isn't productive to anyone to keep rehashing it. Yesterday, was the first day me and my mother talked about something else . Life does go on and we don't have to be pulled into her drama. I do deeply care and hope she will be OK. But I limit the conversations to only her physical well-being and that's all. I don't need to be worked up over her hot mess of a life. She is what she is and probably will never change.

I felt like a balloon.

2011-03-28T05:09:00.000-04:00

I'm up very early this morning. I wanted some time to wake up and drink coffee by myself. I had a weird day yesterday and I'm glad it is over and today is a new day.
I finally decided yesterday to push myself so I wouldn't have any regrets not doing anything. I went out and had sushi and sake. I took a nice walk trying to find somewhere to eat when I found this sushi place. It didn't look like much but it was real nice inside. My head was void of decision and it isn't a place where you want your head void of decision. I was still suffering from a lot of anxiety still. I was handed this over-whelming menu. It was a place where it is all you can eat. You order as much as you want and eat and order more when you finish what they brought to you. The menu had your typical Japense menu from appetizers,entrees, and different types of sushi rolls. I stuck to the sushi and soup. I sat there for awhile eating and thinking. I had mainly butterfish, eel, crab and red snapper. I had some other rolls but I can't think of the names. I also had some real good hand rolls. I ended up eating to much and I ended up bloated and sick for most of the rest of the day. I had the attitude I payed for all this I'm getting my monies worth.
Bad attitude. My stomach doesn't like to be stuffed at all. The night before I had an appetizer of some of these chicken bites that where called snake bites. They really did have a real bite to them. Between spicy and to much , physically I was a mess. I felt so sick and uncomfortable. My body doesn't much care for anything that is from a restraunt anymore. It really hates fried food also as I have been noticing. I really don't fry hardle anything at home or use the amount of salt they use . I don't think my stomach likes cucumber either as it produces so much gas. It seems when I eat out anymore it makes me real uncomfortable and sick. It amazes me how places can make things that are healthy so unhealthy. Also, how everything is processed and ladden with salt. I think I will find a salad tonight. My stomach screams vegetables that are steamed or raw. It says hell no to starch and fried food.

I ended up getting sicker and sicker as the day progressed. I did end up taking a taxi to do some shopping. I made up only shopping at one store. It was a nightmare for me because I was scattered. I was in the taxi and my phone rang. When the phone rang I was taking out my wallet to get the money. I got distracked. I couldn't see I took it out. Got to the place and couldn't find the wallet. I made the taxi turn around and take me back to the hotel. Went in the hotel and couldn't find my wallet. I was in a panic . Went back down to the taxi with a cheque book hoping dear god , hope he will accept a cheque. Looked in the back by my purse and right there was my wallet. I could of died. Get back in and have him take me back again. The price of one fair ended up costing me three cab fairs. Which is all the cash I had on me by the time I tipped him. I thought surely I could find another atm somewhere. I prefer taxi's that accept Visa and Debit. I ended up really rattled by the time I got in the store. At first, I started to walk around like a zombie. I heard a little voice in my head that told me to get it together and shop because I don't generally have the oppurtunity at home. (selection) I ended up a little more focused. I did no impulse shopping at all because I had to stay focused to even shop because of the anxiety. I ended up with crytsal wine glasses, a wok skillet for my bbq, towels and washclothes, and some kitchen utensils. Not real fun things to shop for. I had these awkard bags to carry. I thought I was going to have to walk awhile to find an atm for the taxi. I knew J was almost done with a meeting and driving back to the hotel. I phoned and to my luck J was just pulled in at the hotel. I had J pick me up. It took about 5 minutes to get picked up. I was very happy because when it is 20F and windy, it tends to be cold. By the time we got back to the hotel, I was just totally done with the day. My head felt like it could explode and like it had to much stimuli and overload. My stomach felt like crap and felt like I could explode. I took some anti-acid and anti-gas medication. Laid down. I didn't feel up to going with J down stairs and having a drink. I watched the broken tv and tired to just shut down. At the time I was wishing I was a computer that could reboot. I got it together to be pleasant the rest of the evening. J came back from having an appetizer and a couple of drinks. Informs me that we are moving rooms. I wasn't thrilled. I really didn't say anything. J says don't worry , I will move everything. Then I really didn't care that we where moving. I was just happy it he room right next to us and I for once didn't have to handle my complaints to the front desk and the move. I complained two times to have the tv fixed that day. It was just so nice to have the assertive J back. The postives of reducing meds. It is like I'm getting the person I married back.

It turned into a quiet evening of old movies and sleep. I went to bed pretty early and feel pretty good today. My stomach is back to normal and my head is OK this morning. I will see what today brings.

To many choices

2011-03-27T11:02:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting in a hotel room today. I'm trying to figure out what to do today. I'm not really wanting to do anything except watch t.v , eat, drink and sleep. I'm tired today and really have no energy what so ever. I was an hurting a lot after loading and packing everything yesterday. A five hour drive yesterday just left me totally wiped out. I really can blame myself for being so tired yesterday because I left everything basically to the last minute again. I did do somethings to prepare for this but left a lot of the harder things to the last minute. Also, the puppy was a mess yesterday. It got into something so I had to bathe it in the morning before boarding it. Nothing like a playful huge puppy pulling on you in the bathtub in the morning. I was pretty dead after scrubbing the puppy. I thought to myself why am I even doing this when she is going to probably stink like a kennel when I pick her up.

We ended up in Cambridge in the evening since I left the big parts to the last minute. J helped a tiny bit this time. More than J has done in a couple of years. I was shocked. Usually, it all up to me to get us both packed and everything planned. I was so overwhelmed yesterday I wanted to say I'm staying home. I had to push myself and talk to myself. I told myself , just a little bit more and your done. I even lied to myself and said I probably will enjoy all my time. The truth is I will enjoy probably today and that is all. I have in-laws for two days. I love them but they are so elderly they need a lot of help. Which means we will be super busy. Also, means we are going to have to put up with J's senile demented mother also. I smile and try to be nice but it gets old and is very sad to be around. I here the same thing repeated all damn day long and it makes me want to tear my hair out. It drives J crazy also because well it is her mother. It is a sad thing to witness even though it very stressful. We have other appointments for the next two days also. We have to take our truck in to get repaired at the dealership since the dealership in our town are lazy incompetent assbags. The other is for eye glasses.

I'm trying to get the energy to do something fun today. I like shopping but I'm not much into catching a taxi all over the place. J is at a meeting today. I have the day by myself. Part of me is so afraid to spend. J is in a good mood and gave me her Visa card. I should be thrilled. If I can ever get my butt moving or had any motivation today I would be happy. I'm in moving in very slow speed today. Ironically, I pretty much cleaned the room today. I really don't like the maid to do anything except make the bed and take out the trash. I hate people in my things. I also set out my clothes today. I decided to really get fixed up. I really like getting all spiffy. Maybe, when I clean up I will feel like going out. I also dread I have to get the t.v. here fixed before I go and also might have to move rooms. I called down stairs and it won't be until this afternoon it will get looked at. We don't get all the good channels. J about flipped last night as she wanted to watch TCM. I call it the old movie channel. I just know it better be fixed when J comes back this afternoon. I could care less really as I don't care about the tv as much. I would like to watch the food network though. I don't get that at home. I get a lot of ideas from cooking shows. When I'm in a good space I love to cook.

I keep on thinking what to do today. I feel so indecisive about all the choices I have. I have so many choices today it gives me anxiety. I know if I push myself and breath in and out I will get my head together. Plus, probably if I walk to some of the places I want to I will release the anxiety from the exercise. Nothing like a brisk walk on a cold day. I will blog later as I have so much in my head and this is getting long.

Here Comes Spring

2011-03-23T08:35:00.001-04:00

I thought I would write since it has been a week or over. I haven't felt like writing with my screwed up computer. It is pretty messed up . The worst thing about it is the space bar is messed up. The cat spilled the last little drops of a soda on the keyboard. I tried cleaning it and popped off the space bar and it has never been the same. I also have many many errors on my computer. It is pretty old anyways. I could use J's but I don't want to sit in the computer room. Basically, I'm lazy and have a ton of excuses why I haven't been keeping up.

I have been busy off and on this past week with spring cleaning. I have actually enjoyed it for a couple of days. I still have tons to do. I have a lot of organizing to do and decluttering. I need to be able to get rid of stuff here so I can clear out storage and not have to pay for it. I hate paying for storage. I have became more frugal in the past 6-7 months and budject minded. I have always went back and forth with being cheap and frugal. It seems more necessary with all of our debt and bill load. Two people being bipolar can really rack up debt. It really helps living by a small town with not spending. It also helps because no one is really fashion conscious either. Keeping up with the Jones here is about who has a cool 4x4, snowmobile, huge ass dock(mine is small) , or monster house. The monster house is for the people that have a second home that they call a cottage. Who I can thank for driving up property tax around here.

I managed to order some more meat at the butchers. I ordered a front of a cow , pork and chicken. I try to order here ahead of Victoria Day as after that meat gets more expensive due to the kick off of summer and tourism. The beef hangs for 3 weeks so it is nice and aged. It is actually so much cheaper to go to the butchers and the quality surpasses anything you would get at a grocery store. I also get them to package it up in packages that 2 people would eat. It is nice to have it all wrapped up in butcher paper. No freezer burn. I can buy organic less than beef that isn't also. It really does taste a lot different. What I really love is less trips to the grocery store. I always have something on hand. I hate lugging groceries and grocery shopping. I like shopping but not for groceries.

I have also planned a trip to see my in-laws. The weather has been so miserable this winter we haven't seen them since November. My mother in law turns 91. We planned to see them for two days but will be in that town for four. It gives us time to do what we want. I'm getting excited as I haven't went this long without a mini-vacation in a long time. I depend on getting to the city. Like I have said this town is very backward. I can't even find stationary. It really is just the basics in this town. I could order on-line and I have for things. It is just not the same touching and feeling things. Also, I'm cheap and hate paying brokers fees. I try my best to shop Canadian sites but they are so lacking compared to the commerce sights in the USA. I really like being in a store though. I can't wait till this week-end even though I don't have a clue what I'm going to buy except stock up on pet food that is cheaper in that area. Also, stuff like spices that I can't find here. Basically household stuff that is hard to find or not offered. I will also be looking at computers. The prices make me choke. Even the cheap ones. The thing is I use one everyday and probably addicted to one. It really is my life line. I do everything on a computer.
I don't want to think about the cost of this upcoming trip. Even doing it on the cheap is expensive. I have been so good about not spending in the past 6-7 months. I think I will try my best but spend like I haven't in months. It scares me a little. I'm just glad they won't be having a motorcycle convention in town . I could see me coming home with one. Or they don't have a Harley store. I can blow a lot of money on clothes . I spent so much money last year in one they gave me a laptop backpack as a gift.

Well, I guess I should get busy with getting a ton done today. I have a ton to get done before we leave and just a ton of stuff that has not been done in awhile. it really makes me feel better being more active and gradually I'm coming back

The Sun Shining On Me

2011-03-15T08:24:00.000-04:00

Daylight savings times has been a little hard on me. I have not adjusted yet. I haven't changed my clocks yet. I probaly will today. The days seem to go so quickly. I had such a nice day yesterday. It was so sunny and bright. I basked in the sun yesterday. Soaking up every little ounce of sun. The lake looked like a skating rink with the ice so smooth. The snow was so white. I could also feel the sun on my face.
I used my Green Egg yesterday also. It was so hard to get open from it being froze up even though I have stored it proper. I ended up dropping down a firestarter down it to make it open. I managed to bbq a steak and a nice feed of different sausages. It was nice to only have to cook one time yesterday.

I sat outside for hours yesterday even though it was somewhat cold after awhile. It was about 0 celsius and 32 F. I ended up playing with Daisy a lot yesterday. It was also nice training oppurtunity for the puppy. Daisy, is about anywhere from 55lb to about 65lbs now. She is almost 6 months. She is a big strong girl. I'm feeling the aches and pains today from rolling her around and chasing her in the snow. The snow is so soft now. We still have from about a foot and a half to two feet left. I just sink in the snow when playing in it. It is very hard to trudge through it. I would say about 2 weeks ago it was a hard crust you could walk on. Much easier to play with the dog and not be up to my hips or knees. Anyways, it was a bright cheery day and I love and cherish my sunny days. I'm also happy that I can be active with the dogs. The older one that is eleven doesn't really like to play.

I look forward another sunny day today. It is going to be a little warmer hopefully. Just a tad warmer. I really don't care how warm it is at the moment. I do care about how sunny it is though. I have to go to the store today and I'm going to make a small trip and not spend the day getting supplies as it isn't going to be sunny all week. I think it has been predicted to rain and snow this week. The weather is really crazy and I so look forward to spring and the thaw ahead. Remind me I said I like a thaw as everything will be muddy and yuck.

The weather is really helping me get through some personal situtations at the moment also. J is going through a major med change and that hasn't been the easiest on either one of us. I think it has been tough for J but will keep on getting tougher. J has probaly over a month of time to go for this major med change. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the future. It has seemed though in the past none of the med changes has really worked or if they did it was short lived. J has been on meds for about 15 years. Some good years and some very bad years. Our relationship has been strained for sometime and med changes don't make it better. I'm just hoping J will feel better in the long term and that will fix a lot of our problems. It is also a good time for me to focus on what I can do to take care of myself. I'm less resentful when I do focus on what I can do and not worry about J and J's mental health. J has for alongtime been trapped in J's head and not real active at all. It is like pulling teeth to get J to do anything. Somedays, I don't adhere to my own advice but today I can't change anything so I'm just going to accept what is happening. It makes it easier to deal with and less lonely. I have a lovely sunny day to look forward to. I have energy to burn in the sun that makes me less anxious and in a more postive mood.

The Smell Of Plastic

2011-03-11T08:18:00.000-05:00

I thought I would blog today even though it feels if my brain feels like a marshmellow this morning. I have been going through my morning rountine of coffee, breakfeast etc. I have felt like I have been going through slow motion this morning even though I have got some things done. I have made my shopping list today as there is no way I could remember what to get at the store without one today. Usually, I just make mental list. I even wrote my pen-pal today. It seems like I like to write him on fridays.

I have had to start back on the haldol not long ago. I really hate taking meds and rarely do except when I'm loosing it. I generally do fine without meds. I feel dead on haldol. It isn't such a bad thing when you suffer from psychois from time to time though. I suffer from ol factory halluniations at times. I basically smell things that aren't their. The other day I smelt plastic burning when their was no plastic burning. It through me for a loop as I checked and checked and I just told myself I was insane and took a couple of pills and layed down. I have been fine since. Looking back I could see I was about to come unhinged. I could see every little noise bothered me really bad. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was chewing something. Not good manners but she was trying to hurry and talk at the same time. It drove me nuts to hear chewing where I usually can ignore it. The other daya I was at a massage and the therapist was chewing gum the whole time and it drove me nuts. I don't really get bothered if I'm not off. Off, is polite for insane. My patient level is not very high either. I was cooking a simple meal of ziti and sauce and about had a melt down. I did though finish it and went to bed. I have been keeping my mouth shut best to my ability with a lot of people in my life. I really don't want to say things that are hurtful that I can't take back.

I feel better today. My head sort of feels empty and foggy but I'm fine. I just wish it would stop raining and snowing. The weather is crazy. I really could use some sun and some motivation that I get from seating outside in the sun. I really don't care how cold it is but I do care if the sun is shining to be able to soak it up. I need the sun for my soul. I have an appoinment to go today. I also hope to get a little shopping done.

Hiding Under A Rock

2011-03-07T08:06:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have been living under a rock for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I haven't had much of anything to really say. I have had things to say but I have been very quite. I haven't spoke much to anyone. I think if my foggy brain serves me right , I hardly said one word in a week to even J. Or even when I would barely go out say a word to anyone else and have a blank stare on my face. I read blogs but really didn't have much to say either. Didn't really update my facebook either. It has took me the last 4-5 days to get in a more social mood with anyone or anything. I really have just looked like a stump for two weeks. I haven't had anything to say good or bad.

The weather has been up and down for the past two weeks. Sun and dark grey. This time of the year it is generally sunny and edging towards spring. I get excited about spring. Not this year. Winter hangs on with it's cold hand. Blowing it's cold breath and spreading it's greyness and tantrums of unpredictable bouts of snow, ice and rain.

I wish I could recall of the past two weeks but it was so boring and it is foggy. it seems like it all runs into each other. Basically, it has been just daily life. Life without much emotion or passion. It has been getting about getting by.

I did have a nicer day yesterday. It was very sunny and very cold. I sat outside in the sun. I played with the dogs in the snow also. I broke out my green egg and grilled a steak. Nothing like the taste of hickory. I also took pictures. I haven't snapped a picture in over 4 months. I didn't snap anything special but at least I took some. Everything has looked so bland that it hasn't caught my eye at all in the past couple of months. I usually carry my little camera everywhere. I'm hoping that I will break out my Nikon pretty soon even though it is bulky. Who knows it is my b-day next month and I will get a better little camera. I think J will kill me for asking as my Nikon cost a fortune and I have hardly used it much in the past 2-3 years as I do the little camera. Mostly, because it is bulky and costly where I don't want to damage it.

I just wish my mood would make up it's mind about what mood it wants to be in. I have got many false starts into my usual mood for this time of year. My mood cycle is pretty predictable and this winter has been harder than usual for me mood wise.
It seems either the depression or the mixed just won't snap so easy. I really think it has to do with the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) with the mood not wanting to move to hypo-mania-mania. It really doesn't matter as each mood has it's baggage for me. I'm just bored and long over due to get out of this one. I wouldn't mind being more productive though. I feel it coming on and hope it will just stick. Actually, I feel more normal than usual and that is a good sign. Even though it is on the lazy side.

Hoping to catch up on more things today and being more communicative.

This could be two post

2011-02-18T13:42:00.001-05:00

It was such a grey windy morning when I woke up. I was less than thrilled about this winter thaw we are having. A couple of hours later it was so bright and sunny. I changed my mind about the hot day. The temp is (40F)or (5C) I'm getting real good at converting back and forth from Fahrenheit and Celsius. I should say more of a ball park as I have basically memorized what is what. I still don't think in metrics. My head clicks back and forth with metric and Celsius. It reminds me that I'm taking to my new country and home. I have also pretty much have shed my southern accent and slang also. I was never raised in the south but my parents where southern and for awhile lived in hillbilly hell in the states. It has took me a good 2-3 years to shed my accent and also develop an ear for other ethnic accents. I was totally lost when someone from certain countries from Europe, Asia or India spoke to me. Not any longer as it sounds very normal to me now. I watch the show swamp people and you would have to run sub-titles on that show now for me to understand them half the time.

I went to my massage though yesterday and realized though when I'm totally relaxed my new non accent and old accent comes and goes . It is weird. Sometimes, I still have to think how to articulate something in clear English or I should say without an accent. I have picked up more of an English vocabulary since living in Ontario full time. When my mother and daughter came and visited this summer, we all looked at each other at times and wondered what the other one was saying. I never realized they had an accent. They had a hard time with my non-accent and different words for different things and some cultural differences. Example, if you order tea in Ontario, you will get a cup of hot tea. In the states , you will get Iced Tea. The Ice tea is different also here. You will get a can of Ice tea. In the south or mid-west you will get some blend of probably Orange Pekoe that is cooled and made into ice tea with tons of sugar. Here that would be like drinking cold hot tea and why would anyone want to do it. Like drinking cold coffee. There is so many little subtle differences between Canada and the States. I could write a whole blog on it. Many differences even in the different provinces just like in the states from North, North West , South West, West, Mid West, and South.

This is going on my third straight year here without going back and forth to the states. I think it has helped me adjust better not going back and forth every 3 months or 6 months living here and there. It really has been a positive on the pocket book not maintaining two houses and for my ability to really find myself. I hated living here full time at first. I hated the rural area etc. I hated being away from my family. I hated to have to start over again. But to be honest , I just hated change. I have always hated change. It is very stressful to me. It is a trigger that makes my moods upside down. I should say what ever mood I'm worse. I have been more open to some change in my life .

Spring coming up is always open to change to me. Just like the season changes so does my mood. Even though we still have a couple more weeks of who knows what here. I can see the gradual change to spring. I see the gradual change in myself. The depression is lifting. The yearning to exercise is coming back. So is the yearning to be healthy and active again. It is like I'm going to get my leafs back or bloom. Even in my depressed or mixed mood down deep I wanted to get back to living a healthier lifestyle and fixing some of my nagging physical pain. I never really thought of myself having chronic pain as it wasn't as horrible as some people with chronic pain. I would just have bad day after I did something like real heavy activity or lifting. Then it increased to a couple of bad days after that kind of activity. Then after all my pain is easier to deal with if I'm in a higher mood or not depressed. Depressed , I don't deal with anything much less pain.

I have been coming along real good physically. My shoulder which was totally immobile went from horrible bitter sharp pain to nagging dull pain to more stiff. I still have a little ways to go but I really feel so much better. I'm also working slowly on other nagging areas such as back. It really has me intouch with how much I need to shed some pounds and get active again. I used to work out to make certain areas strong such as my abs for my back. I also did rowing to strenghten my shoulders. When I gained a ton of weight last year and stopped being active I started to hurt gradually more and more. I was also real skeptic about massage. I got to tell you , I'm sold now. I had a ton of scar tissue formed around difference various muscles in my shoulder and rotator cuff. It has been slowly but sort of fast 2 times a week for a month and I don't feel the pain like I did years ago injuring myself. They are able to break down the scar tissue without surgery. The best thing is doing it new scar tissue doesn't grow back. My body is a mess of years of accidents. Accidents caused by poor judgement and high impact activities. I don't want to be a old lady before my time. I have stopped that stuff for the most part. i just think things out a little better now. I hope I can stay with my new stife to get better.

Flu

2011-02-15T10:03:00.000-05:00

I woke up Saturday morning to a surprise. I was so sick. Sneezing, nose dripping and my stomach felt like a volcano about to erupt on both ends of my body. My body has felt like a wet noodle for the 3-4 days. I feel a little better and I'm gradually enjoying solid food. Haven't done my morning ritual of coffee and breakfast yet. My schedule has been totally been in upheaval for the past couple of days. I really haven't done much except watch a ton of television.

Valentine's Day was just another day also with J being sick also. We where sick in bed together yesterday. We where going to get take out Chinese and watch a movie yesterday. Both of us don't feel good enough to watch a movie. Our attention spans are so low to begin with and then throw in having the flu and you get no concentration at all. It has been a ton of reality programming on the television. I usually have some sort of theme something for Valentines Day. I can be a real cheesy sap at times. Most people don't get to see my soft side and J does get to see it. J likes it but thinks it is a bit to much at time. A little too girly.

Back to trying to get some structure back in my life today. Looking forward to cooking a complete meal also today.

Rat...A...Tat..Tat

2011-02-11T15:05:00.000-05:00

I have been pretty busy the last past two days. My mood is climbing. I don't know if I like it or not. I'm getting things done though and that is good. It is my cycle though to start climbling this time of year. I think I gave it an extra push last week with the SAD lamp. It works just like an anti-depressant. Which everyone knows bipolar people should discontinue when it makes you manic or pushes towards mania. It really is a fine line. Just glad I caught it before I totally pushed myself over the edge.

Been trying to work on my triggers also to manage. One of them was to give myself a nice space on facebook without all the negativy on my other one. It is a vicious cycle when I get into negativy because I respond negavtive and aggressive back. Pretty normal for anyone really. Look at the internet, filled with hate with opinions when people answer to a news story or even some blogs out there. Never been subjected to the hate letter thankfully. No one practices tolerance anymore. No one gets the point you don't have to agree and still get along. Example, I'm far from religious or go to church. I would never bash people of any faith though. It might not be for me but I don't make fun of people who go to church and respect them. I'm not conservative but don't bash there views either. It just isn't my cup of tea. They are no more wrong than I'm right. (sorry for the tangent) Anyway, getting away from my other negative facebook lets me avoid this trap of intolerance and negativy. It really isn't an bipolar facebook either. It is just a nice space of fresh air that I can be me. Believe it or not I like to talk about more than how fucked I'm today. I really need to jump onto twitter as I really like to say little blurbs than write all the time. Sort of how I use my facebook.

I'm trying to get this house in order. One of my other triggers in this mood is mess and disorganization. I just can't stand it. I have to have peace and order. A nice safe place. Mess is overwhelming. Even though the mess I have now didn't happen overnight. I trudge through it everyday now for the past week. It has been a little harder though being in pain. I used to be able to tackle it fast but it is taking time now. It makes me a little irritable with myself for letting it get this way and especially J that can't ever take up the slack for me. If I'm down nothing get's done. I have two fold the mess .

Another, thing during this time is to communicate my distress and what bothers me no mater what gets resolved. Or I build up the anger and I don't want to get passive aggressive. I actually don't like that trait in anyone and try my hardest not to do it even though I do at times.

Time, to fix dinner and blog later. Ramble Ramble like a machine gun firing . Poping off like a machine gun.

I have a new facebook

2011-02-10T18:13:00.000-05:00

After, reading blackfogs comment it just made sense to make a facebook for myself and to keep certain people off of my new one. I can be me more. It is great. Just friends and making new friends. If anyone one wants to add me : Kristy Thorn. The picture is of a winter scene. If I could figure it out at the moment I would add a facebook badge to this page. After, I publish this I will look up . I miss being in a bipolar community or just having a community of my friends and not family. Welcome to my new split personality:)(sorry fog for using your words) but loved it.

Family and Facebook Defriending

2011-02-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

I have had a lot of traffic on my sight ranting about facebook. I though I would bring up another annoying problem about facebook and that is family. I'm unfortunate enough to have about 35 people on my facebook who are family. I have the option to set my privacy settings to where I block there access to my content. Defriend them, or to set up another facebook account where I can post what the hell I want. I have all kinds of annoying family on facebook. The one that sees my status update and calls my mom to ask her what the hell is wrong with me. The family member that post something on my status that has nothing to do with the topic. The religious freak relative. Ones that are up in my business. (stalker) Don't get me wrong I like to stalk at times. Yahoo, post so many articles about security and makes it hard to stalk people since the security settings are tighter. The thing is I don't want to be stalked or my information being sold to a third party. I also have that relative that is the chronic inviter. I get a request for all sorts of games. I have dealt with that by blocking all invites from that person. I really don't want to play mafia wars, farmville or any variation of those games. I play about 2 games and that is about it.

The thing is I'm not even close to my family and in little brief tidbits I post they seem to be an expert on me. I also when I call my mother I hear can you refrain from posting what ever is offending or anything at all. I guess my solution to be me on facebook is to create an account where I can be me and reinvite just friends. I don't know when I will do this as at the moment I'm liking to stir the pot and get some of my family members offended. Frankly, I get sick of most of the whiny ass relatives I have bitching about the weather, being fakes when I damn well know better, etc. So, I will play along a little longer because I'm in the mood to screw with them. My advice to annoying family members is to block access to your wall and responses. Or not accept the request in the first place. I feel like my facebook is for me and not my family. My views are mine and if they don't like them they have a hide feature to hide what I post or vent on. I'm opinionated on facebook and have beliefs some of them don't like. That is fine but I don't want them commenting to my mother what I'm doing. Some of them totally lurk and get info to suit them and don't have the balls to say shit to me. Time for another account.

I Wonder....

2011-02-09T21:10:00.000-05:00

I wonder if I only write this blog for myself? Which I do. I never hardly get any comments. Neither do I much ask any questions. I wonder if anyone even listens to me really. I wonder why I even want to be liked. I never really cared in the past. I have always had thick skin. I used to have professions where you had to have thick skin. In every way I have always been a minority that has been discriminated against.

I have visitors on my blog and that should satisfy me but not repeat all the time visitors and never ones that stick. I occasionally have people comment and I'm thankful for it. I'm trying to not whine as I don't think I do very much. I guess I'm in a tender place and want to know if I offend people are what it is that I do to not get repeat visitors or comments. Or is there nothing to say about what I post. I know in the past I never commented much on blogs because I was shy or they said it for me. I read many peoples blog everyday and never say anything. I have started to change that as people really need to be heard. I don't feel like I'm being heard. I'm also pretty insecure about my writing abilities. I have always been dyslexic and it is hard to organize my spelling and wording. I can understand if my writing skills suck. The thing is I have read many blogs that suck that have tons of comments and followers. Suck in content and everything about grammar, sentence structure etc. What am I doing wrong? I'm not that tender to get constructive criticism.

Random Ramblings

2011-02-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

I don't know what direction, i'm going with this entry. One of the reasons I haven't been writing more is my mind is all over the place. It is really hard to pin point it down to one topic. I guess knowing myself... I named this blog ramblings. I'm very capable of rambling from one subject to another. I'm more unfocused today than even yesterday. I'm not really in a bad mood or good mood either. I'm just in a space that is trying to move to something more concrete. I'm caught in a mist of an mixed mood and physical pain. What an interesting mixture. My brain at the moment has a hard time coming up with the words to put down. They fly through my head but trying to really pin point anything is hard at the moment.

Today, is a little harder than most because my shoulder is acting up so is my rhomboid muscle. I guess that muscle holds the scapula together. It can get aggravated by being behind a desk all day or using a computer. I thought I was going to die yesterday getting the trigger point rubbed out yesterday. I had a new therapist yesterday and DAM it HURT. I told her that I could take a lot of pain. Well, I feel beat up today. I could barely tolerate it yesterday. I can take a lot of pain and generally am rewarded by it feeling so much better. I thought she could put me through the table yesterday. I'm a big girl also. Tall,big boned, and somewhat over weight. It is hard to manhandle me. I never was into gentle anyways but after that experiance I could imagine she had a box of whips somewhere. I could barely move this morning. I'm better this afternoon as I have moved around more. I'm back to a heating pad and over the counter muscle relaxers to get some relief. I have drank so much water in the past two days also. I feel like a camel filling up. Actually, I don't mind drinking all this water as I feel much more hydrated than I usually do. I didn't realize that most of the time I would be dyhradated. I just feel a general malasie. I have had a nagging head-ache all day also. It makes me somewhat cranky to be in pain.

I was doing so good with getting things done around the house in the past week also. It has been slow but I have been getting back on track. I will get back on track tomorrow. My body says rest so it is going to be rest. I was feeling so postive yesterday that I actually went to storage and got a few things. I got my snowshoes, breadmaker, and some more winter clothes. I couldn't get the back open on the truck as it was froze shut. I would of got my cross country skies out. I don't think I'm going to be skiing anytime soon but I was hopeful in a week or two. Snowshoeing is basically just walking so I can do that. It is really a low impact exercise but wonderful cardio. It also burns about 400-900 calories. I could use that. I have been sitting on the couch mostly all winter either from my mood or physical pain and I'm going stir crazy being in the house. I also really love photography and haven't took a picture in months. I actually put my little camera in my pocket just in case. That is a good sign to me. Even though I didn't take a picture yesterday. Nothing really caught my eye. I have had little passion for anything in the past year due to mood or personal problems. I find my heart is less broken though so it is good.
The girls birthday was the other day. I cried and moved on. I miss them very much but life goes on. Last year was wrought with so much turmoil and it is finally getting back to somewhat normal. I never made much of a resolution this year but it was to take better care of myself and I'm doing it.

I don't want this post to be a novel so will talk about some of these things later.

The Benefits Of Massage

2011-01-30T07:58:00.002-05:00

I'm up early this morning. I slept good. It has been a couple of weeks since I haven't woke up several times in pain . My shoulder is coming along. I'm pleasantly surprised by the results of massage therapy. Massage therapy is very under-rated in the western world. I was even unsure about something that wasn't traditional in a medical sense. I have pretty much gave the medical profession the middle finger since 2007. So, I was willing to try something else when my shoulder came up. One thing that also helps things along is drinking plenty of water. I think the theory is to wash out the toxins after a massage as the body trys to get rid of lactic acid. I'm not sure. I also soak in Epsom salt to get rid of the pain. It doesn't really get rid of the pain but it isn't as pronounced. I don't feel like I have been beating after a massage if I drink a ton of water and soak. A big factor is to keep it flexible after a massage. I keep active now no matter how painful it is. I have surprised myself lately with keeping more active. I didn't think I could with the pain. I get tried easy now and don't have the endurance that I did. It will come back though in time.

Keeping active and working through the pain gives me hope and is a boost to my self-esteem. Sitting around and doing nothing was really effecting my head. I was feeling defeated and helpless. It was effecting my mood. I'm still working on my energy level and just doing things slowly but eventually things will get done to my liking. The house is a little overwhelming at the moment. Nothing has much got done in several weeks. I have been gradually working on it this past week in small chunks. I'm back to cooking though and it makes a big difference not eating crap. Eating packaged food made me physically sick. My body isn't used to a steady diet of crap. My digestive track is getting back to normal. I'm also not as irritable and cranky. I do experience some irritable still though but not as bad. I have a handle on it. I can stuff it more and bite my tongue. I'm also able to deal with my rapid fire of thoughts by writing down the words that pop up in my head on paper . I take the words and make a sentence with them. I also make more list lately so I know what the hell I'm doing. I would be lost at the moment going grocery shopping without one. Usually, I can kI guess I will close. I have the morning to enjoy by myself. I also have a relaxing day to look forward to.

The Benefits Of Massage

2011-01-30T07:58:00.001-05:00

I'm up early this morning. I slept good. It has been a couple of weeks since I haven't woke up several times in pain . My shoulder is coming along. I'm pleasantly surprised by the results of massage therapy. Massage therapy is very under-rated in the western world. I was even unsure about something that wasn't traditional in a medical sense. I have pretty much gave the medical profession the middle finger since 2007. So, I was willing to try something else when my shoulder came up. One thing that also helps things along is drinking plenty of water. I think the theory is to wash out the toxins after a massage as the body trys to get rid of lactic acid. I'm not sure. I also soak in Epsom salt to get rid of the pain. It doesn't really get rid of the pain but it isn't as pronounced. I don't feel like I have been beating after a massage if I drink a ton of water and soak. A big factor is to keep it flexible after a massage. I keep active now no matter how painful it is. I have surprised myself lately with keeping more active. I didn't think I could with the pain. I get tried easy now and don't have the endurance that I did. It will come back though in time.

Keeping active and working through the pain gives me hope and is a boost to my self-esteem. Sitting around and doing nothing was really effecting my head. I was feeling defeated and helpless. It was effecting my mood. I'm still working on my energy level and just doing things slowly but eventually things will get done to my liking. The house is a little overwhelming at the moment. Nothing has much got done in several weeks. I have been gradually working on it this past week in small chunks. I'm back to cooking though and it makes a big difference not eating crap. Eating packaged food made me physically sick. My body isn't used to a steady diet of crap. My digestive track is getting back to normal. I'm also not as irritable and cranky. I do experience some irritable still though but not as bad. I have a handle on it. I can stuff it more and bite my tongue. I'm also able to deal with my rapid fire of thoughts by writing down the words that pop up in my head on paper . I take the words and make a sentence with them. I also make more list lately so I know what the hell I'm doing. I would be lost at the moment going grocery shopping without one. Usually, I can keep a list in my head. It is just that time of year for me where my mood changes .

I guess I will close. I have the morning to enjoy by myself. I also have a relaxing day to look forward to. I really don't know what I will do today as it is a free day for me.

Ramblings

2011-01-30T07:58:00.000-05:00

I don't really have a solid idea on what to blog on. So much and So little has been going on with me. That sounds like a contridiction. Bare, with me my mind. It is jumbled up. It feels like a salad. Salad meaning it has many things in it. You can identify the pieces in it but it is all mixed up. My lack of writing has been about how to structure what I write. With my thoughts all over the place or feeling blank it really is hard to write. I also have been in a lot of pain still and it is hard to hang my arm in the postion to have to type. So, if you still are following my post, I will try to actually write something.

Like my last post previously stated.... I have been dealing with physical pain. My shoulder is pretty screwed up. I have a lot of issues going on with it. It is ironic that just one thing isn't wrong with it but many. Such is my life. Sometimes, I get a cynical laugh out of it. I really can't recall what was the catalyst that set the shoulder to really act up. I have dealt with my bummed shoulders for years. Like the therapist said "it was probaly something stupid you did like grabbing a box of something" I was very active one day and two days after woke up not able to hardly move my arm. I had pain that I haven't expieranced in years. I knew I had issues with the shoulder but it didn't bother me on a chronic bases or get in the way of my life. Whatever I did was the straw that broke the camels back. The funny thing was before this happened I scheduled an appoinment to deal with it. It was part of my resolve to start taking care of myself better. I just have had to deal with it at a faster pace.

I must be in an OK mood to even deal with it as much as I have been. My mood always picks up around this time to escalate into mania by the end of Febuaruary. It hits like clock work every year. I could feel like a switch flipping right before this happened. I was actually relieved as I could get on with life and my winter sports. This year the season for downhill skiing and cross country skiing is peaking. I was looking forward to starting back again. Well, I'm disappointed. This year I'm not going to be able to do any skiing of any sort. I generally take a vacation in the winter also . Mostly a skiing vacation or some version of something I enjoy. With the cost involved of getting my shoulder tolerable and gaining mobility , it is very expensive. I'm gratefully that even though it hurts my bank account like hell, I'm able to afford it. The other thing is I can't risk farther injury and any set back. If you don't know anything about cross country skiing you use your shoulder a lot. Lower body for downhill. Just can't risk a fall with that though.

I go through periods where I feel defeated. It isn't depression. I'm getting to a place where I'm accepting the things I can't do this winter. I'm trying to think of other things to do even though I really had my heart set on other things. It pisses me off. I'm trying to focus on getting better and just hoping like hell this shoulder won't affect my golf season this year. This shoulder issue also pushes other buttons for me. Like always having to give up things I love to an illness and settle for other things. I have a suspcion that the shoulder will be a life time thing. That I will have to modify how I live. I never did in the past and I'm paying the price for it now. I have always lived hard and played hard. It is hard to think , I'm going to have to slow down during my good periods and also do things like ask for help around the house. (Less lifting)

I have been exttremely irritable. I was told that by J. I just thought I had less patients being in pain. Which for me , was I just don't have patients for J's bullshit. Usually, I accept J for who J is. In pain and frustration I think differently of J. Lately, I think WOW. Why do I put up with half the crap? , I do. That is a whole post on it's own. Also, a topic at the moment I don't want to deal with. But this whole thing of being in pain does open my eyes to many aspects of my life. It is funny what you see when you are stuck on the couch and have limited activity. I have had plenty of time to think and to open my eyes towards life in these past 2-3 weeks.

I'm going to wrap this up. Hoping that I can get to the store today. I think I will take a little nap.

Ouch

2011-01-24T16:53:00.000-05:00

This entry is going to be short. I have been in a lot of physical pain lately. My shoulder is acting up leaving me pretty much tired and cranky. I have been in acute pain for a little over a week. Now it is just nagging chronic pain. It is getting better. I have been going to someone who is a massage therapist that specializes in Sports Medicine injuries. I have got little sleep in two weeks with the pain. It is getting better though with the treatments and I'm up to about 4 hours straight last night.
I have had a full day of trying to live. Living = doing everyday things around the house. Like housework and cooking. I have even made that elusive list of things I want to work on. Way different than I planned on doing but works with my flair up of my shoulder. I have this real funny feeling that this injury is going to last awhile and I will have to do things differently for awhile. It will not be a short rehab of the shoulder area. I will get more into the shoulder in a later post. But it is pretty broken down this time. I'm being very proactive this time around about it. I'm proud to say I haven't had to break down YET with taking pain pills. It is very tempting but really a short term fix for the problem. So far I have been able to deal with it. When I can't I will opt for narcotics. I really don't wannt to as I'm prone to addiction. So far I have though found something that has been short of a miracle for me that it does make the pain bareable. It is called Biofreeze. It isn't a cure all but helps more than anything over the counter. Physical Therapist use it. Others that use it are Sports trainers, Chiropracters, Massage therapist. They also use it to take ultra-sounds for things that need to be manipulated . It helps with the pain.
I will try to write tomorrow and discuss some of the things that are going on in my life and some of my new outlooks.

Climbing

2011-01-16T02:41:00.000-05:00

I couldn't sleep so I thought I would write. My shoulder and neck is hurting. It has hurt pretty bad for hours. Nothing much has gave me relief except trying to stretch it out and some alieve. The alieve gives me bad heart burn. I have scheduled a massage with someone that specializes in sports medicine. She can really manipulate aches and pains pretty well but it is over a week away.

I haven't wrote in awhile. (maybe a little over two weeks). My memory has been bad lately. My head seems so full but it seems I have writers block. I feel like I write about the same ole crap a lot . I hate being negative also. I can feel though that my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is about to make a switch to a more normal mood for me . What ever that is. It is very subjective to most people, whether I ever act normal. That is another blog entry. i caught myself thinking about going ice skating, cross country skiing and snow shoeing. I haven't thought about my hobbys since November. It really is a glimmer of hope. I even played in the snow with the dogs. It is a small impoverment .

I still live in my head a lot and it is improving some. I'm not isolating as badly and keeping everything to myself . I do have to limit my time reading it has became obessive . I can spend endless hours reading anything. I think it has to do with living in my head so much and it is easier than having to deal with life.

One thing I was thinking about this year is I want to do more with my blog. I have been lacking so much with posting. The last time I checked my readership is down 249 points. I had a decent year last year with over 50,000 views and with my neglect the readership is dropping. I have just got to the point I haven't wanted to share and frankly I get sick of writing about moods. My life is so much more than my illness.

HoHoHum The Holidays

2010-12-26T09:17:00.000-05:00

I made it through Christmas. Actually it was Ok. I have had a head cold for several days and it is wearing on me. I had some snacks planned for the hoildays but could barely hold up my head or not ache all over so I didn't have the gorgeous spread I planned. Better news is I'm gradually getting better or I have found the right over the counter medication to mask my symptoms.. It hasn't helped my mixed mood one bit but it helps to know the reason I have been so lazy is I have been sick lately.

I started to get into the spirit on the last minute doing so food shopping last week. I was surpised to find myself smiling at people and opening doors. Something as random as giving someone my 25 cent pay cart to someone and saying Merry Christmas made my dull mood a little better. I also called my parents and daughter yesterday to wish them a Merry Christmas. It was nice to hear their voices. I had a nice chat with everyone of them and it made me happy that they where having a nice hoilday. I miss them but had a nice time by myself. I had a nice relaxing day talking on the phone, lounging, watching t.v. and a nice turkey microwave dinner. I
also recieved some nice presents over the season. A Wii fit, sleep pants, printer with scanner, copier and fax. British comedy series and a 100 dollar Itune card. When I feel better I will try to set everything up and download my music.

I washed Daisy (Dog) yesterday . That was about the only task I got done. I strained my back pretty good. Which makes me realize I need to streghten my back muscles more as I have had trouble for many years with it but seems to go away when I do more exercise. I did relieve some pain with some cream that has some sort of aspirin in it and doing what I do best nothing. It is so sunny today and I need to get my butt out and walk the dog. I really am walking myself though as I think I need it more than the dog. One new goal is to try to get out of the house everyday and walk even a block to just get out since I'm back to hating to get out. I know logically I will feel better and it is the push I need.

I know most of my mood will change like clock work in the middle of January. It will be like a switch. I already feel a tad better with the days getting a little longer now. I couldn't of been happier when I realized yesterday it wasn't so dark at 5pm. It has been sunny also lately which is real weird for this area at this time of year. Usually, we get tons of snow at this time. I won't question it and enjoy the sun even though you can't feel the sun here in the North. Usually when the sun is out it is very cold also. It is -12 this morning but gorgeous. The sun makes the snow glitter. It makes me want to get my snow shoes and ski's out this coming week. I haven't been in the mood at all to do anything but it is coming on.

The Grand Illusion

2010-12-17T14:40:00.000-05:00

I'm still in my mixed state of crap. I really don't even know if I want to post but my brain is busy and my body isn't. I have felt like snapping lately. I'm overly bitchy and sharp. I really don't have patients of any sort at the moment for anything. I muster up some patients everyday for Daisy the puppy. I'm about to lose it fast with her also. I feel like running away. Actually, I'm great with running away from anything and anyone. I guess I have stopped running since I moved to another country. I don't have many places at the moment to run to to escape my insanity.

I have been getting up every morning at 5 for a couple of days to take the dog out that seems to do nothing but play. I slept on the couch last night and all I had to do was throw on a pair of pants, snow boots and jacket . I'm hot with all my clothes that I wear to go out in the cold. The part that pisses me off which is related to this but I can't structure this very well is Daisy and the breeder. The breeder charged us an insane amount of money for this dog. J has used this breeder before so didn't think we would have a problem. In the past we have had some of the sweetest, smartest, gorgeous, and behaved dogs. That is why I use a breeder. It is to keep away the problems that I have experienced in the past with pound animals to a very minimal. I should of had a clue when she was the only dog that survived the litter. The bitch had two pups and one died. I don't think the bitch had a clue how to raise a pup either as a crate doesn't work with the dog. She is a nasty vile little pup that wallows around in her business. That is SO NOT NORMAL. They are suppose to not want to do that. She even didn't know how to clean herself and her private parts. We have had to teach her to clean herself with putting peanut butter on her parts. She has took to it like a champ. She is much cleaner but still won't housebreak. She is old enough. In this mood I have had it but won't give up either. I take her out half the day and J the other half. Dog books aren't even helpful with a lot of her problems and I can say it honestly isn't me that is the problem. I guess she will train in her own time and I hope she won't be the last straw that drives me into the ward. Today, I'm stepping back and washing my hands with her. It is J's problem now. J wanted the damn dog. I was happy with Brett the almost 11 year old and the cat.
It will work out and I know this logically. But at this moment I could throw the dog out a window. I wouldn't and at this point I have control. I wonder how much longer I will maintain control of myself. Which would never be took out on a dog but more likely J , our an object around the house.

I hate medication but had to start taking haldol and it is working . Slowly , but working. The hard part is to get my sanity back without losing myself to the fog of the medication and becoming a zombie. Right now most of it is self control how I deal with it. It might not sound like I'm dealing with things but believe me I'm.
I'm just thinking a lot of thoughts that most people don't say or admit. I have a lot of bubble thoughts. I even get a laugh sometimes out of my bubble thoughts. In a dark humour sort of way. Also in a cynical way that amuses me sometimes.

One thing I could live without at this moment is the hyper sexuality. I feel like I'm in an intense heat of some sort and it is driving me mad. I'm so frustrated. Sex with J hasn't been going on for awhile. I'm horny all the time no matter what my mood is for the most part. But it is so much worse now. It really helps with all this tension I'm experiencing. I haven't been acting out as that got me no where in the past except to experience shame and grief. I do seem to be having sex with myself a lot lately. It does help but is no substitute for the real thing. I just don't want the drama that comes along with acting out. I have had enough drama for a life time with having affairs. Just the though of the drama snaps me out of thinking I could go have one. I shutter at the thought of acting out in anyway even though a part of me thinks it is tempting. I guess that is the thing about being bipolar is to try to get the impulse's with anything under control before the impulse's control you. I tell myself that anyway. It doesn't always work but for the most part it does. I'm still trudging along even though I long for more than that . I still haven't got all of my plans and goals together . I have no passion or motivation for anything at the moment. Basically my plan at the moment is to get through the day and just do some basic surviving. That is hard enough and very time consuming. This is long enough post maybe I will save some other stuff for later.

Blah, Blah

2010-12-13T09:21:00.001-05:00

I was going to make writing more of a priority but have been living in my head more than anything lately. I have also been feeling pretty low. I even managed to get food poisoning a couple of days ago going out eating a sample of sushi. My stomach hasn't been the same in the past 3-4 days and is just gradually getting back to normal. It is just my dumb luck to do an intensive shopping and getting things done and get sick.

On a better note someone found our cat. She has been missing for three weeks now and I pretty much gave up on her. She was found yesterday in some one's garage. She was trapped in there for three weeks. The people are seasonal residents. They left a couple of weeks ago and came to blow out the driveway this week-end and found her. She looks like a total wreck. She is just skin and bones. It is truly amazing she survived. She must of ate some mice to survive. It has been so bone chilling cold at times also with temps that deep below 0,Farenhiet. Thank-god she was in a sheltered place because we have had a little over 2 feet of snow . I'm going to take her to the vet also. She is just so thin . She probably has worms also from eating something like rodents. Her ears also have a little frost bite on them and acts like she has ear mites. She is a total wreck. I was going to do it today but we have snow squalls and still need to dig out some. Our plow guy that does our driveway hasn't got to us yet. I hope he does so I don't have to blow that mess out myself.

Getting back the cat made me in a better mood. Before, I got her back I was looking high and low for just a little motivation. To get motivation you pretty much have to be inspired. I haven't had inspiration or motivation in awhile . It makes putting a plan and goals together very hard when you just exist. I'm still working on that plan. Right now it is hard enough to live and my plan at the moment consist of getting more structure together and living. Sometimes, that is all you can do.

Take Responsibilty for your mental illness

2010-12-04T15:33:00.000-05:00

I'm seating here wondering what to write. I have been in some sort of mood for the past two days. I lack concentration, patients and feel very scrambled at the same time of feeling paralyzed to do much of anything. I have a bad attidude also. It sounds like a dysphoric mania which is basically a mixed mood. I also have tunnel vision and sleep erractic hours. I feel just a tad better today acutually sleeping through the night from prior nights of sleep deprivation to get on a better schedule with my sleep. It seems to be working slowly. My brain is mis-firing where I have a hard time thinking how to spell words when blogging or saying what I really mean because I can't think of the accurate word. Things that generally come easy to me baffle me lately. Which causes impatients and anger if I'm distrubed trying to figure out the very basics of life. Even when I close my eyes at night I have a display of images and colours like a kalidoscope in my head. My head plays songs in it like a radio. To cope with this I go with what my head is doing and it puts me to sleep. I don't fight it but try to be comfortable with it watching it like a movie. Lately, I have been off my rocker but for some reason unknown to myself right now I try my hardest to be productive and get anything done even if it takes a little longer.

When your bi-polar you have many things that don't make sense at the time but you can't give up with getting better and learn after several years to years how to manage the pain and the misery with coping mechanisms that you pick up . I don't hide from my symptoms and if I can't be around people I don't go around them or limited my expousoure to them and I'm fine. Sometimes isolation can actually be a good thing if your going to act out. I did go out yesterday and it about drove me over the edge. I thought maybe if I went out it would do me good. I should of took a walk outside and not went shopping. I hurried it up yesterday and came home. I was a mess. I retreated to the bed until I had my emotions under control and wasn't hurtful with my verbally abuse mouth . I can get very verbal abusive when my mood is this way. I had a mantra in my head don't say anything you can't take back. Well, it worked for the most part.

I'm still working on a plan and think about it everyday. I have small ideas but need to expound on them and it is taking time. I'm just surviving at the moment and better yet taking care of my mental health the best I know how. It will work over a couple of weeks and I will be back to some other mood but I'm managing my moods to have no damage that I can't pick up. Way better than it used to be because I used to leave a trail of destruction and impacted other people. I'm not into that any more and try my best not fuck up everything I touch in some manic psychotic mood. I know I'm gradually gettting better because the paranoia is not there anymore. I'm to the point I don't care what people think and do at the moment. I'm more annoyed and impatient with people. Since I have limited my contact with people lately. My impatients is with the dogs. I keep it in but I really wish they would leave me alone lately even though I love them so much. It is just my mood. How can you tell a puppy not to be playful. I just suck it up and try to distract her with different play so she leaves me alone. She is such a sweet dog , I just can't get mad at her . I just keep it to myself because I know I'm not being reasonable. I have to remind myself I have to be responsible for my actions and mental illness isn't an excuse to act like an asshole or to blame it on something or someone for pushing my buttons. It is hard but I have coping mechanism. I sometimes take pills prn but only when I get to this point. Pills are helpful to get some control but the pill will never do it for you. You have to develop life skills as well and really reach into yourself and no matter how hard it is don't act on impulses or at least find healthy things you can tunnel vision in.

The Season to Gift Card

2010-12-02T15:36:00.000-05:00

I generally don't blog twice in a day. This is the exception. I actually feel like it, while the topic is still on my mind. I have been trying to get anything done lately. It has really depended on my mood what I get done. I really don't feel like cleaning today but had to get something done. I have felt like being on the computer today. Since, I have felt like a good computer fix , I have done all my Christmas shopping. I had a little done before but finished it today on-line. What a big difference it makes shopping on-line. No lines and better yet no rude people. I think the best thing about shopping on-line for me is keeping to a budget and not impulse shopping. I also mostly stuck to gift cards.

I'm picky about presents and don't want most things. I assume someone else rather pick out a present also. It will be the right colour, size, etc. Better yet since I have to ship everything to my family and J's the shipping and handling is free. The only actual presents I bought where also picked on-line. One was for my daughter and I did it on-line so they would ship it to her. I got an awesome deal on a Toshiba laptop, bag, mouse and Microsoft Office. I also bought some clothes for my in-laws(they don't get out). Stuff like diabetic socks,robes, sweater, pants. I had it shipped in a gift box. I had 12 people to shop for this year. I didn't put any of it on credit. I really don't want to pay interest on crap that is probably crap for the next couple of years. I spent in the neighbourhood of 1,200. I feel good about it. Best of all I won't be broke spending what I don't have. Guilt at Christmas usually gets to me and I spend more. I know it is a little impersonal but I hate spending money on things people don't like and use. I don't know the people on my list that well any more also. Most of the people on my list live clutter free also. Nothing like nick-knacks to clutter a place up or a book anymore.
My parents just ask me what to send according to how much they want to spend. I like it and if they would get me something I didn't like I would just throw it away or re gift it. I can't return things as they have different stores and return policies here. J's parents are just so old and not very mobile. They just send us a cheque for what we wanted this year. It works for me. One year, I got this god awful scarf and gave it to Goodwill. One relative gets us some theme of things every year. It isn't bad if you like what ever theme . If you hate the theme they get you the same thing till the theme runs out. They get it in their head that you actually love it even if you don't. I don't know if I'm right this year or not but I mentioned something about that movie Julia and Julia. I suppose it will be a Julia Child's themed Xmas. I hope not as I already bought her books. I have to be real careful not to mention anything so does J. I let J pick out what J wanted. It was a record player, CD, tape combo that records everything retro into CD format. Then I can reformat it into mp3's . I'm not into surprises this year. I want something we can use and be budget conscious.

After, shopping I renewed the truck tags on-line. Why wait in a line and blow gas. Nothing like sitting in line at the MOT to get me cranky. People at the moment make me cranky and grouchy. I'm still in a good mood without going to the post-office, stores, and the MOT. Plus I didn't have to use gas to do it.

Mixed Bag Of Nuts

2010-12-02T09:21:00.000-05:00

NI trying to do my morning routine. Dogs done, coffee made and checking around the net has commenced. Now I'm blogging with my light on. I have had a massive head-ache or something for the past couple of days. The light makes the head-ache worse so when I have a head-ache I don't do the light therapy. My sleeping lately has been so messed up. Insomnia is something to behold. I have been sorting it out . I just feel so lousy up and down all night. I finally had a nice nights sleep. The things the experts say about sleep pretty right on. Also, just knowing in time I will get on a better sleep schedule is good. I caught out the caffeine in the evening also. I need to add more exercise also to get a nice deep sleep. I take nothing to sleep except the occasional melatonin supplement which works nicely for me at times. Nothing lately though except sleep depriving myself to a schedule , nice sleeping area, nothing busy at night, and I can't think right now about the others. I have also got back on my vitamin regime. I have been on it faithfully for about a week and I feel a little better. I have also started eating more well balanced meals. I know eat 4 small meals a day and try to get all my hydration also. Nutrition is so important for mental and physical health.
As for a plan , I don't have one wrote out yet. I really to be truthful don't know what I want from life. I have some basics like feeling better and things like cleaning up the place and organization. Overall though I don't know what is being realistic. I will have to divide the house up to conquer it. I know I need to get a more concrete plan but right now I'm just barely living. My concentration is shit. My head is all over the place and gradually settling down. I have a hard time staying on one task and breaking down even the smallest steps lately. I feel like a non multi-task. I was making homemade chicken strips the other night and something so easy was just making me a nervous hot mess with the dog trying to get my attention. I mumbled to Daisy the puppy , that I couldn't chew bubble gum and walk . Basically. I had to yell for J to get the puppy away from me so I could focus. I feel when I'm in this mixed mood of muck I have to communicate that I can't focus at all or I look pretty petty and grouchy. I just can't have any distractions when I'm doing something right now and have to have tunnel vison to get anything done. I'm getting things slowly done will have a plan . My head drifts so much lately and it isn't all a bad thing. When you think about so much , you don't fixate one one trivial thing or focus on something bigger. Like my cat has been missing for a week. I have now lost hope to get her back. I have done reward posters,newspaper ad, contacting the humane society, a radio lost and found on the small local radio station, looking for her and calling neighbours. I miss her but I'm not going into more of a down-ward spiral for the cat either. My mind is all over the place lately and as it shoots around like a pinball, I get glances of all the areas of my life until I turn on TV and drown it all out with dribble. Will try sometime this week to update my ramblings with something more concrete .

Ramblings Of A Crazy Woman

2010-11-28T10:46:00.000-05:00

I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.

I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.

I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.

It Hit Me

2010-11-20T06:28:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my mother the other day on the phone when she asked me a question.
" Do you want your grandmother's ugly old clock"? I thought about it for a minute and sad oh hell no. It is so ugly. I speak to my mother a lot and get updates all the time on my grandmother's well being and also my families well being. My grandmother is on hospice living with my mother. It has been very hard for my mother to watch her mother die. I hate hearing the heart-ache and misery in my mother's voice. My mother has been taking care of my grandmother for around 5-6 years. She has dementia and finally was put on hospice about three months ago when she started declining and failing .
I thought I was immune to the grief of my grandmother dying. She is very elderly and has not been in her right mind in years. I didn't think anything of her being on hospice until that damn clock. The ugly antique clock with metal pegs in it. I thought about that clock and gave my mother a call back. I wanted the clock after all. It was like it hit me. Grief that I didn't know was their. An overwhelming sadness came over me and the pain hit. The clock is eccentric like my grandma. It is a piece of her. The quirks I miss and have long missed. I have missed my grandma for years who has been locked in her destroyed brain from age. Now , I won't even have a grandma. I grieve the better aspects of my grandmother. As, much as I want to be a hard ass and not cry it came out. Buckets of tears and sadness.

I was so worn out yesterday from my grief and physical display of emotions. I was like a limp rag. Instead of denying my grief like I usually tend to do or run away from it, I just accepted it. I cooked good food and enjoyed some movies. I rested and took naps. I didn't try to drink myself into a crazy stupor. I was finally just in the moment and allowed that empty dark longing feeling fill me. As, hard as it is to feel grief sometimes we need to . This year has been just chalked full of grief for me. I lost my girls(Golden's) both in about two months. I also lost my uncle . I have been losing a family member about every year for the past 7 years or so. It isn't anything new but it never gets easier to lose anyone. It doesn't even get easier when you know someone who you consider a friend like my grandma is losing a battle with old age even though it is a part of life. I will miss her very much and I have missed her for many years. Sometimes, when death lingers for years it takes something out of you.

Getting to know your family and friends

2010-11-19T08:59:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the new 2010 edition of getting to know your family and friends.. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun.
Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can delete and change the answers. Have fun and be truthful!

'getting to know you'

1. What color are your socks right now? I don't wear socks
2. What are you listening to right now? Regis & Kelly
3. What was the last thing you ate? Plum
4. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes
5. Last person you spoke to on the phone? with a real voice :)) Mother
6. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes! i do.
7. How old are you today 37
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on tv? UFC
9. What is your favorite drink? coffee, and Dr. Pepper
10. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes
11. Favorite food? Sushi
12. What is the last movie you watched? Atonement
13. Favorite day of the year? My birthday
14. How do you vent? I let it all out
15. What was your favorite toy as a child Lego's and my snoopy dog
16. What is your favorite season? Winter Skiing time.
17. Cherries or blueberries? Cheeries
18. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? yes-
19. Who is the most likely to respond? Don't Know
20. Who is least likely to respond? Don't Know
21. Living situation? I live in a house on a lake with two dogs, cat and partner.
22. When was the last time you cried? I cried last night my grandma is dying
23. What is on the floor of your closet right now? everything
24. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? none
25. What did you do last night? Listen to records and drink beer and cry.
What are you most afraid of? My love one's dying
27. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy - spicy hamburger
28. Favorite dog breed? Golden Retriever and Brittany
29. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
30. How many states have 3 states and one province in a different country

31. Diamonds or pearls? i don't care for either. I like silver
32. What is your favorite flower tulips

Marching On

2010-11-18T03:51:00.000-05:00

I have started my morning routine. I started by letting the dogs out and feeding one and waiting to feed the puppy later since she is on a schedule. I have been enjoying my coffee and my cancer sticks. Planted my butt in the computer chair with my SAD lamp. I also have been enjoying my solitude in the morning. I love having my own time alone and it is great. I can do what ever I like. I'm listening to music and enjoying the 80's on XM.

It is a new day and I already feel better about J for a fleeting moment. I remind my self that I have to accept somethings about J. We all have our moments and the things I can't accept like the lack of her doing anything. If it is important to me , it falls on my lap. The more that I have been thinking is that, I need more space. I will get it when ski season approaches. I will go to the local cross country ski club by myself for a breather. I was thinking last night I need to blow off some steam as I'm getting to my boiling point. I need to exercise more and do less picking up. I will take a walk today and get some things done to escape. Anger is real good as a motivator to get things done. Then I will escape in the book I'm reading. I found a real good series. It is the Sookie Stackhouse series that they made True Blood into.

On a better note I started my x-mas shopping. I ordered my daughter a laptop, carrying bag, mouse and Microsoft Office. Now eleven gifts to go for the other people on my list. At least I have it in my head what everyone is going to get and it is budgeted out. I really don't like Christmas btw. I could be happy if it never happened . I feel the Holiday season is over rated and is very stressful with unrealistic expectations. I'm just happy I can celebrate it at home without anyone except J. It is less stressful that way. I don't even know if I will decorate this year. Call me the Grinch.

Venting

2010-11-17T18:19:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little low today and exhausted. My body has said enough of trying to get things done. My muscles growl with pain. I have been pretty busy trying to do the last touchs of winterizing and getting some more clutter out of the house. It is like I'm doing spring cleaning in the winter. My shoulder has hurt pretty good for about a week now and hopefully it will get a little better with the rest. It has been one ailment after another for the past month. Flu, cold, upper respotory infection and bummed shoulder. It truly is wearing on me mentally. I have felt more vulnable today and useless when this whiny mood sits in with me. I really don't get much help around the house and it leaves me angry and resentful. Sometimes, it feels like I'm married to a child. It probaly is just me being overly senstive today and overly everything. I would really love to just not have to tell J to do anything and for her to take the intutive to do it . Thats means anything that needs to get done and also cook when I don't feel like it. I barely bitch about J because it could be endless at time. Anymore, I feel pretty lonely in this relationship and the less depressed I get the more I notice. I thought I would just vent a little as I'm less than happy at the moment

SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder)

2010-11-16T07:37:00.000-05:00

I thought I would blog while I was doing my light lamp for SAD. The lamp I have is called lamp book elite. The doctor recommended it . I have feel in love with it as it is portable and small. I could even travel with it if I wanted to. I have been using it for about a month and have seen results. The results where slow at first but build over a period of time. Sometimes, I have had to use it two times a day to get optimal results. This time of year in Ontario is dismil and the days are real short. The lack of light causes my mood to spiral into a dark place . It causes me to hardly do anything and that also means take care of myself. Much less any house work.
With the lamp and taking vitamins , I'm gradually becoming myself again and tackling the real messes in this house . Feeling better also means I'm eating healthier meals and taking care of my self. Which is all hard to do when your extremely depressed. I even find myself running with the puppy lately. Sometimes, I lose sight of who I'm when I'm depressed . I'm generally a active , fun person. It is something when your personality is coloured so badly with a mood. I'm just happy that I'm digging myself out of my hole. I will try to expound on getting better because this is just the start of my recovery from depression and SAD.

Facebook is a different type of beast

2010-11-14T05:58:00.000-05:00

I feel pretty quiet lately so I was thinking about what to write. I was looking at my stats on blogger the other day and it told me that the most googled thing about my blog was facebook. I have a entry about facebook defriending. So, I thought I would write about facebook today and about the divison of people that make up my facebook. They are such diverse people. I would assume a lot of people probaly have these type of people also. I have one group of friends that don't do anything else on facebook except play endless games such as farmville, mafia wars and fish something. Tons of games. I'm not bothered by it as I have blocked most of these invites. To be honest I do play two applications but it doesn't consume me. Then I have the political advocate facebook friend that gets so excited about anything political. They seem to breath politics. I used to be a political junkie but I'm pretty apathetic anymore and really don't give a crap about this cause or that one. I do stay informed though. I have friends from both political parties in the states. Like you can only imagine they differ so much on beliefs. I have even seen fighting in some of the threads they have. Interesting indeed. I also have the group of people that are just family. I would have to say this is the most awkward group as I have a couple that embarrass me a little with some of the things they put on my wall. Most of my family don't share some of the same beliefs I do and I just don't want to argue with them. But as a group they are great. They get to see my pictures I post and it seems to help them keep up on my life.
Then there is a few that I have came into contact with over games, blogging, past life, etc. They seem to be my favorite. My friends by choice.
The other thing I have observed is most people don't comment on anything on facebook or very rare. I don't know what the problem is on my facebook. Sometimes, I think is my status update is not interesting enough to start a conversation? The times I do I think of possible one person that ruins it and people don't want to comment because of her antics. Then I was told most people are lurkers and don't really care. I do know I don't comment on a lot of stuff either do to mood or whatever but I do try to be involved . Facebook is adifferent type of beast anymore with many factors for many people and why they do use it.

Back Into The Light

2010-11-09T07:20:00.000-05:00

I fill like I have not wrote for a very long time. I have had so much going on in the past three weeks. Some exciting and some stuff not so exciting. I have been sick with something for about the whole time or it seems like it anyway. I have had the flu , cold and some sinus thing going on. I even managed to lose my voice. My mood stays still for the most part. I started a SAD light several weeks ago. I think without it I would even be more depressed than I'm.
Last Friday we got our puppy Daisy. She is a English Golden Retriever. She is 8 weeks old and just full of beans. She is also a very big girl for her age as she already weighs a little over 13lbs. She isn't fat but just BIG for her age. Which means she is into everything. I have been so exhausted since last Friday. I'm just starting to get settled into some sort of routine. We also put a collar on her. She is on a leash going out. For three days she was not on a leash and was like a pinball in the yard. I could hardly catch her she is super fast. We have no physical fence and she can get up to no good real fast. I even twisted my ankle chasing her so she wouldn't go into the swamp. It is a tad cold here right now and didn't want to fish a puppy out of the cold muck.
Lately, I feel so overwhelmed. Part of it is I put everything off till the last minute. I have had tons of things to do around the house and outside and none of it gets done when it should. I was slowly trudging away last week until we got Daisy. Then exhaustion took over. If I could ever get over being sick I think it would help so much.
It is suppose to be sunny for the rest of the week even though it will be cold. I hope I will be able to pick up some final mess out side. It doesn't help that we lived outside this summer and have so much junk. We did finally get the camper put down and winterized. I was using the camper to store all my clothes junk. I still have tons of clothes to wade through stacked nicely in a huge pile in the studio. The work is never ending and I don't know when it will be ever organized as I have lived here full time for almost 2 years. It is way more manageable in some ways though. We both need to get rid of a mound of possessions. Mine are mostly in storage except my mounds of clothes.
I will be blogging more as I'm starting to feel better.

The Beat Goes On

2010-10-17T08:44:00.000-04:00

I woke up about an hour ago and I have been checking different social media and catching up on blogs. It has been a whirlwind past couple of days and I'm tired. We have been out of town taking care of J's elderly parents. J's parents are 90. J's mother has Senile Dementia and her father has a hard time getting around. They need to be in a nursing home but won't go. I voice my concerns to J and bite my tongue in front of my in-laws. We took H the mother to get her hair done since it hasn't been done in months and she looked like a homeless person. She ended up in a panic attack at first and didn't want to go. After, we loaded her in the truck she stopped and went calmly and got her hair done. We also did all their shopping and misc around the house. For three days we where consumed by them except at night. The motel had a bar and we went there every night having three drinks until the last night. I was at my wits end and just got roaring drunk. I haven't been drunk in awhile. It made the 5 hour drive home horrible. The drinking has made my mood dull. I really need to come up with something else than drinking when we have to go to Cambridge. One good thing is I haven't much thought about my life in the past couple of days.

I have so much to do before it snows or hits November. I'm still in the process of winterizing. When the sun is up it is helpful with my mood but it is predicted to rain all next week which is going to be interesting. October is an interesting month for my mood as it is changing like the colours on the trees and blowing all over the place like the wind that cleans the tree's to a barren state. I'm hoping my mood won't bottom out next month. With the grey bare ground and bare trees where it looks like death . My mood gets flat and dead also. It is nice to know what my mood is going to do but it is also sad to know also that I will be so flat . I will try different things but it won't help that much.

Angry Ramblings

2010-10-08T08:34:00.000-04:00

I'm on a roll lately keeping this blog updated with my ramblings. I have so many lately. I hate to admit this but I'm still angry from yesterday. Part of it is mood. Part of it is things like what happened at the dealership happen so much where I live , it upsets me. Part of it is that I view J with no backbone as this is not a random incident at this place and the list goes on. Another big part of it is that it wasted my day. I was so caught up with my anger that I forgot to do many of the things I needed to do. My number one pet peeve is not being on time or anything time related. You could almost say I'm OCD about time and if you want to make me over the top mad waste my time, don't be on time or anything that has to do about wasting my time. I find it to be very disrepectful. I'm a very punctucal person always showing up on time . I'm actually early every where I go because I fear not being on time. Anything, time related gives me anxiety. Not a little either. I have tried to overcome my rigid time rules but nothing has worked and frankly I think being on time with anything is a good thing. Better yet if you can't be on time , be honest about it and I can rearrange what ever comes up. I'm not a total time nazi and when a person is honest about why they can't be on time or what the hold up is I can accept it.

I have a lot of time on my hands any more. The thing lately is my time isn't used wisely. I have been trying to be more structured lately and my time matters a ton. I'm working as fast as I can not to have the other shoe fall off and be mental for about three months. I'm going to try to get over my anger today. I need to get over it to be productive. I will probaly have to do something like more yard work to get out some of the energy the anger has build up.

The Worst Ford Dealership

2010-10-07T16:23:00.000-04:00

I'm fuming mad. We took the truck into the dealership today in Parry Sound. They only have one. They are so inept. The times they quote to get anything done is so beyond anything I have ever experienced. We took the truck in a 1pm and got it back around 3:30pm. Just to check the brakes, and do a oil change. Oh they where suppose to do a tune-up but they said it didn't need one. Weird to me because in the service schedule it says it needs one. What ever it is the squeals still squeals and they where suppose to take care of that and didn't. I thought the economy was in a recession and this dealership will let your vechile go to shit before they catch it. It has to jump out and bite them on the ass. I seen the parts manager barely able to operate a computer. J has been doing business with this dealership for 35 years and doesn't know what has happened. A oil change cost 80.00 in the states the same service cost around 24.00. If it where my truck I would never subject it to the local rubes that operate the place. They do shitty work and won't even do the work you order on it. I could say many mean things about the staff but I will refrain and stick to the subject of how fucked up the service and repairs are. I'm really pissed they didn't fix what needed to be fixed and wasted my time. I have tons of shit to do and not staying in the horrid town doing shit like looking at what they claim to be local art and trolling the local book store that has nothing in it except a small section of books and Canadian artist. I can get the same books on-line for half the price and a better selection. It amazes me that any of the shops stay in business as I won't pay the high prices for tourist crap and shitty service. I shop out of town and order off the net. I won't give my money to many local business because they are so crappy when it comes to product and service. I could go on and on but it only makes me rant more.
If J keeps taking the truck there she will have to do it herself and I will loose all respect for her. As, they take advantage and don't deserve her patronage.

Season Change...Mood Change

2010-10-07T07:23:00.001-04:00

I can feel autumn in the air. The pretty colours of the trees are bright. Yellows, reds, gold and burgundy light up the landscape. It has been nice and sunny lately. Every wonderful fall something happens that isn't so wonderful. My mood changes and not for the better. My mood picks up to only drop into a nasty vicious mixed mood. I'm not mixed at the moment but I know it will come by November and stay until about Januarary. My moods are highly predicatable but not the severity.

I try to busy myself waiting for the other shoe to drop off . I know I will be paralyzed with depression and mania. I plan for this mood and try to take the burden off some of the things I have to do. It isn't working like I want it to at the moment as I'm so scattered. I try to get things done anyway. I prepare for the winter and also as I prepare for the winter I prepare for things to come such as becoming a hermit for months and not wanting to get out. I'm hoping to possible get my SAD light next week. If it doesn't come through I will buy one as I don't want to suffer the light changes that make my moods worse. I have already started on my vitamin D and a complex B vitamin to give me some natural energy as my energy is a flip of a coin on any given day. I really need to start my exercise back up also. I have been trying to be real structured as it is real important bracing for the blackness that I experiance. All, the little things count . I tell myself that anyway. Just like seasons come and go . I know my moods come and go also.

House Cleaning Fairy

2010-10-05T05:14:00.000-04:00

I need a house cleaning fairy. I have a ton of crap to do before winter. I don't have much time as winter will be knocking at the door very soon. I have a way of doing what I want than what needs to be actually done. Yesterday, I bought more tulips since the ones I planted last year came out so good. Some of the tulips and bulbs I bought are Canadian Liberators, Lover's Blend tulips, Muscari, Dark Eyes, Crocous, and more daffodils. The lover's blend is a colour blend of purples and pinks with white in them. They look so pretty. The Canadian Liberators are red and I have a story from last year about them in this blog around the same time last year. Flowers are something simple that make me happy. Yesterday, when I mowed and groomed the area where I would be planting them. I found out I couldn't find my little shovel. I looked everywhere. I gave up and will just buy another one today. I usually put my stuff up. I have been so scattered lately it could be right in front of me and bite me in the ass . I have not been grounded at all and it feels like my head isn't attached. I really need to screw it back on and be a little more grounded to get what I need to around here. I put a little dent in winterizing yesterday. I had a ton of errands to do also. It might have not been the best thing to take a little vacation last week. I have so much to get done and left the house looking like it exploded before we left. I did however finally get everything unpacked and put away. I didn't get around to it for about three days. Mood permeanting I'm generally some what organized. When my mood is a little off, I guessing a little hypo moving into manic. I'm a wreck. I can't connect the dots or remember where I put anything. The concentration isn't there. I work harder at everything I do. Minial task are easy enough to do but I need more complex task done like tackling some of the organzitational problems in this house at the moment.

We are getting another puppy at the end of the month. Her name is Daisy and she is an English Golden Retriever. She is what is pressing me to get things put up. Or she will probaly chew the hell out of them. I have already pulled out the crate to set it up when I get more room in the kitchen . I just have to move some stuff around. I also found out the dog gate is a mess and will need to be rebuilt or I will have to buy something else. I know less stress and order is needed when getting a new puppy and I'm working hard at getting things a little better.

Traveling tips on how to be cheap.

2010-09-29T06:17:00.000-04:00

I have been traveling since last Saturday. I thought I would blog about how to make traveling more comfortable and affordable. One of the things I do is bring food along for a road trip. I mostly bring things that will stand up well. I have took with this trip noodle cups, trail mix, assorted fruit, muffins, goldfish, cajun mix, almonds, all sorts of assorted cheeses ,salami and crackers. I have a little cooler for the cheeses and drinks. I always buy my own drinks before traveling as drinks can add up. I also try not to buy any booze in a lounge as that also adds up also. I bring my own. I also don't like the coffee the hotels or motels provide. I bring a coffee press. I bought mine from Starbucks and it has paid for its self. I bring my own canister of coffee so I can measure it out and get the strenght of coffee that is suitable for me. I don't like weak coffee. I boil the water in a hot pot. Basically it is like a electric kettle. I also make instant soups and noodles with it for lunch or a light dinner. I can also make a nice pot of tea if I want to. If a place doesn't offer free breakfast which is rare if they don't I have made my own. The hot pot will also boil eggs. I usually have that with a muffin. I buy a box of 9 muffins at walmart for about 6 bucks. They are huge. Remember though if they factor in extras such as breakfast you are paying extra for that room. Every little fancy thing or what you think is a freebie is factored in to the price of a room. That is why I loved the Motel 6 in the states traveling. It is no frills and totally stripped down. Every one I have been to has been very clean but with no perks . The perk is the cheap price one saves. Another thing is take advantage of all the travel sights in making a reservation. Tonight's stay is booked as that is the only place where we have stayed in a bigger city with chain hotels and motels. Most of this trip is just been picking places at random and availability as it is more remote and they don't advertise. One motel was the only motel . Guess what they can charge what they want in the middle of no where. It was nice enough but not worth the price. It was the most uncomfortable place I have stayed in awhile. It was very pretty but very unpractical with log furniture. I about needed a back adjustment in the next city. So all the divas out there pretty isn't always comfortable . In the good old days you could check out a room before you paid for it. Some are still like that and I wish I would of checked it out before we paid. My back is shot now and probably will be like that for about 2 more weeks or a sports medicine massage. See, I could of saved myself the agony by checking out the room.
Also, if you have to buy something do it at a real store and not a quicky mart or a gas station. I had to go to the mall the other day because I forgot the charger for my ipod. I found one on sale at The Source. Truck Stop stuff is of low quality usely and will damage your cell phones or other devices by trying to save a buck or two. That brings me to another point don't forget things at home. Make a list and check it off. Organization will save you much money.
The things I have done have been pretty cheap if not free. My whole trip has been viewing the scenery. Every year we get a parks pass. We have been to many parks this trip. Generally, a parks pass will pay for it's self . Also, a day pass will cover all the parks in a day for Ontario. Parks are fun. I ride a bike so a day of bicycling is fun and just about free. I also hike and do photography. You will get the best pictures in a Park up north and many hiking trails also.
Always read the hotels or motels little book they put together of the facility. It will tell you of the local attractions. I looked in the book and it told me about a local wild fowl viewing platform that was by the motel. It is free to look at birds and fun. it also told me about local hiking trails and other things. The book and brochures are valuable. So is looking at the phone book. It will tell you where to order food cheaper than the places the hotel and motel advertise. It will also tell you who deliverers food and what is available. It is cheaper to decide where to eat after you know what exist than blowing gas and dining on impulse. Which brings me to another thing if you don't bring things for a sandwich , Subway is pretty cheap and more low cal than most places.
Travelling can be cheaper or more expensive . It really depends on what you want and what your lifestyle is.

The Cat Chewed My Power Adapter

2010-09-28T20:02:00.000-04:00

I have been on a much needed break. I have been traveling up North in Ontario. It has been so relaxing. The fall colours are wonderful. So many trees with orange, yellow, gold and red. Mixed in with the pines. I have stayed right on the north channel of Lake Huron and discovered the cat chewed my power adapter for my laptop. It wouldn't of been so bad but that was the first night of the trip. Drove a little farther and have no cell phone coverage . It has been a total dead zone for about 150 miles of our trip which is really the core of my trip to some of Lake Superior. Lake Superior is gorgeous this time of year or any time of year for that matter. It is very hilly cliffs and water like an ocean. It is pretty rugged scenerary. It is also very rural with towns very far apart. I was surpised at all the places we have been that has offered wifi in the motels. Most get it through satelitte but the speed is awesome. Even though we have been in a dead zone for cell coverage. I will blog later about the perils of my trip.
Just before I left for the trip my uncle died. It is sad but I have been handling it. My biggest fear was about my daughter and yesterday I found out she doesn't have cancer. I have had like cement blocks lifted off me. It has been a very stressful couple of weeks. The onocologist has ordered more test for other things and what ever it is , I can handle it better than cancer. I have been so much lighter today and in a much more upbeat mood.
I also was able to manage to make my power adapter croak on and charge up my almost died laptop. I might spare the cat some terrible wrath. Life is starting to look up. I can much deal with anything after the last year I have had.