I'm in a cranky irritable mood. I took down my last post. But for those who read you know a little what has been going on. Yes, I'm still Manic and pretty full blown. Everytime, I say I'm not going to neglect my blog and I do. I have several reason but they are excuses really.
J , has been very sick lately and had to go to the ER about 2 weeks ago maybe 3. It has been a rollercoaster ride with J's health. The thing is she is still very sick and weak. Really don't know what is going on. They possible think she had a mild stroke. Her Blood pressure is all over the place and dangerously high at times. Appointment after appointment.
We had to cancel our yearly vacation also. It was going to be for two weeks at a cabin on an island. I'm very disappointed . I planned this since early spring. The thing is she just doesn't feel well. That is fine but she could of went and let me have a good time. Did I mention that the earth revolves around J. All, I have been doing is waiting on J hand and foot for sometime now and it has got worse.
Right before J got sick I told J I really was seriously thinking about a split or divorce. That I was tired of a sexless marriage and a no touch period relationship. I thought we have became room-mates with me not even having much rights. I still consider J my best friend but after 10 years I'm tired of giving every ounce of me and not getting much in return. I also don't want to be someones caretaker and maid.
J said she would do better but I don't see it. It is pretty lousy to leave a sick person so I'm holding off. I might not leave but we sure do have a lot to sort out if I'm staying.
My irritability is been off the charts and so has been my anxiety at times. It doesn't help that I'm probaly going through a mid life crisis either where I just want to get back to who I once was and I'm really examining my life . What I want and what I certainly can't tolerate.
I have totally lost myself in the past 5 years. I have became reclusive . I have hardly any friends in the town I live in. Believe it or not at one time in my life I was social. My mother the other day said it was like I totally dropped out of society in the past 5 years by moving to Canada. That I let myself become a broken person. I was a little irritated by what she said but it is the truth. My only avenue of anything social has became the computer. (facebook,twitter,blogging and texting) I haven't let anyone in , in a very long time. I have started lately to let people get to know me a little. I have also been more open with my family about what is going on. It is a step.
On a brighter note some of my manic symptoms are going away slowly.